Ok, I want to make this short because I'm fucking cold. My house seriously has no heating. Well, it does, but I don't know what the fuck it does, because heating the house and keeping me warm is not one of them. Brrr! Anyways. Today. Well, even if today was good, I would say it was bad because it ended badly. Sort of. You ever get someone telling you something over and over, but you just don't get it, you think it'll work out the way you want it to. Yeah. Man I can be a real idiot sometimes. But how can you not love someone that aplogizes for hurting you, then holds you, and tries to make you feel better. It just makes me love him more. And it doesn't work that way. Not for us. Not for me. I'm not going to get what I want, and the faster I realize and accept that... I guess the better off I'll be. But "deep down inside," I know he doesn't want that anymore than I do. To move on. Or for me to move on at least. He doesn't want that. I've been told it's for selfish reasons. And if it is, he doesn't realize it, because he's not that kind of guy. He really is confused. I'm not used to having someone be more confused than me. Usually I'm the one breaking hearts. And I suppose this is my punsihment (finally) for all the damage I've done. If only I'd known. But if it doesn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be. But for now it hurts, and for now it feels right, and for now is all I can think about. I'm lost. Not sure if I'm still supposed to try, or if I should keep my mouth shut and let life take it's course. It's going to anyways, but I have a hard time trying not to intervene.

      I moved my blog over to blogger beta and I don't like it and I can't change back and that makes me mad. You know what would suck? If blogger went down permanently like Ujournal did. My journal seriously just disappeared along with everyone else's without warning for several months. It really sucked. I should back this up somehow. The only written journals I keep are really private stuff that I don't write on here, but it would be nice to know that I'll always have access to what? Three years of my life recorded on here? That's pretty cool. It's weird. Memories are one thing. But when you can go back and read things you said, man, it's a strange feeling. Maybe I will live on forever on the internet, in one form or another hehe :) So cold. Bed soon.

      I miss Alyssa. I'm going out tomorrow to 70Below for the first time since she moved. It's gonna be weird. Josh is taking her place as my right-hand man. But no kisses for him. Hopefully we'll have a good time. I've had an appetite for partying for the past couple days. Possibly because of the heavy listening to Britney Spears Greatest Hits, and B: The Remixes. Great great CD's. Is that wrong? Britney Spears turns me on. Let's not get into it. I was all emo today. It was lame. I hate it when you're listening to a totally "emo" CD, and you're like, yeah yeah I can identify with that. Ugh, takes me back about three years. I am set back a few months right now. But hey, I know the future then right? That's comforting. I love how my blog can at times make sense to no one but me. Except when I go to read this entry years from now, I'll be like, "what the fuck was I talking about?" So yeah. Josh took some pictures of me today in the spare bedroom. Didn't turn out as planned, but they kinda had their own appeal. I put my favourite one up on my myspace. Go comment on it. I like pictures. I like the way they capture one moment in time, in history, one feeling. Maybe that's why I like having pictures taken of me. I feel as though I've captured myself forever at that one moment in time. No matter what happens, that one moment will always exist. And I like taking pictures, because I like to be the one to capture those moments. Anyways, I'm rambling. I want to be sexy tomorrow. Night.
music. i've just begun (having my fun), toxic (Peter Rauhofer Reconstruction Mix) - britney spears

Labels: blog, chris, partying, photos