my life without me

Thursday, November 30, 2006

So here's the thing I've realized. I want to say something to him everytime I talk to him. But I know I've said it all before and there is no use saying it again. So I don't talk about it. It hurts right now, but eventually it will hurt less. He likes somebody else. But then again, so did I. It's really pointless to be involved with anybody else for me. I just compare everyone to him. I know it's not gonna work out right from the beginning. I don't like doing things when I know they're pointless. So just takin' it day by day here. Trying to make the right choices. Sometimes they are really hard to make. Sometimes I feel like I'm not really getting anywhere at all. I hate winter, officially. Snowboarding doesn't even make up for how much I hate it. I think I'm going to go talk to someone about it.

The mountain opened today. Sorta wanna go up soonish. Not loving the snow too much right now though. I don't like the grey skies, the way I never see any sunshine. It's bright out today, but it's this empty white kind of bright. I don't really feel motivated to do anything. Shaw called this morning and I got an interview at one on Monday. Should learn some computer stuff before I go to that. Hopefully i get a job there, it would be nice to be away from Domino's for a while. As much as I love it... it would be good for me to be away. My tattoo appointment is tomorrow. Black lining and coloring. Hopefully we can get into the coloring, provided I don't pussy out this time. I was sick last time. Fucking dammit. I fucking hate how I can't make decisions. I am so fucking angry or sad or whatever all the fucking time now. I can't stand it anymore.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

PS. Anyone who is fluent in css/html, what the fuck is wrong with my blog. Is everyone seeing it-- most of my posts are all bold and my archives is eating my posts. I can't figure it out.

      What do you do when you don't know what you want. By default only, because, well, you do know what you want, but you can't have it. If you're told, don't ever settle, you're better than that. What do you do then? These are confusing times. These little things, those little words, and stupid songs, and work, and everything. I should stop talking. I told myself I wasn't going to write about it anymore. Tough though. Nothing else really... I guess.

      I don't really feel like writing about anything else, but I will. It snowed a few days ago. It hasn't stopped since. I hate it. I hate going out and getting wet and being cold. Snow should be reserved for the mountain only. Which opens in like two days. Writing about this is tiresome and pointless. Why oh why does it all seem pointless. The snow is driving me insane. I hate being stranded places. I get cabin fever here at home. I have to work, I have to pay for my tattoo on Friday. I should really save up some money. But Christmas is coming up, so that's not gonna happen. I wish I didn't want so much. I'd give it all up. Looking for someting that makes me happy. And I'm rambling. Haha, this isn't gonna make any sense.

      Me and Janelle shovelled out my entire street to get her to work on Sunday morning. It was hard work. It took us two hours and fifteen minutes. I was so super exhausted when we were done, I'd actually made myself sick. Spent the rest of the day sleeping basically, and generally not feeling too good. Saw Phil for a bit. I don't understand him, but I stand firmly by my decision. I spent the rest of the day with Josh, on his couch, missing work, being sick. Went to bed at my house, woke up at eleven to call ICBC, got upstairs and totally blacked out. I hate that feeling right before you do. I swear it's the worst physical feeling ever. Ugh. So gross. I was dripping sweat. My roadtest got moved to January eleventh. I'm never gonna be a paramedic at the rate I'm going. Then I slept til five, dug my car out again and went to work, where I was like so weak that I couldn't do the simplest things.

      Man, I am so sick. Like... just entirely. Don't know whether I want to chalk it up to one thing or not. Maybe. I'm just never hungry, always tired, always.. not weighing a whole lot, and it's gross, like I look so dumb. No no, being this skinny is not a good thing. Not when your friends are noticing. And then I think about erasing all this paragraph. I'm not looking for attention or anything, maybe I just want to say - I know - don't worry, I've noticed too. I know something's wrong.

      It's like. Man, what am I holding onto here. Like you've got this thing that's like your rock, and then it's gone. Then I don't know, you've always got yourself, and then your body starts falling apart, and you're grasping, trying to hold onto things, and they aren't the right things. Where do you go to then? Where do you start from? Rock bottom is not a cool place to be, but I appear to be throwing myself in that direction. I just don't understand so many things about life. It's so frustrating. I spill my every thought to complete strangers. Why?

      The best and worst year of my life. This time with more knowlage, but still not enough. I wish I had the answers. Actually, for the most part, somewhere inside of me, I already do, just right now, they aren't the ones I want. But since I can't have what I want, maybe I'll have to face up to that too. Life isn't going back to normal. I'm fairly sure of that, but right now it's all I want. I was bored, I wanted change, and I got it, didn't I? Why did I go and mess it all up. Haha, I know the answer. I remember asking for that one person that would stand up to me. Fuck. Be careful what you wish for, hey? And the strangers, they say I'm so wonderful, but they really don't know. I always laugh when they say that. My heart is seriously closed for business.

      In other news... I don't know how I feel about this blog thing anymore. I always wonder who's reading it. Do people go back and read old entries, like from years ago. Do I want people that I've just met to be able to know things that I woulnd't noramlly tell them. When I meet new people, I don't want to tell them everything I did when I was seventeen. It's embaressing. I don't know. I don't like what I'm doing. In the big picture, I suppose. I got the winter blues. Seriously. I felt like I should have been in the hospital today. I want to erase everything. I want to go back to... last winter. Too bad. Now I'm stuck here, and I gotta make the best of it... and I'm not. Every winter, every winter I go through this. Why do I still have this stupid fucking glimmer of hope that everything is just gonna work out the way I want it to.
music. at arms length - open, parachute!

tashalaughs AT 1:25 a.m.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

http://seizemyday.blogspot.com/2006/11/dreams-arent-what-they-used-to-be.html
music. degausser - brand new

Saturday, November 18, 2006

      Alright. So a few things. I tried to send in my photos last night and they're way too big, so I burned em to a CD today and I'll send them tomorrow. Except I was just looking at the information area and it says they get like 3000 applicants a week. I am slightly discouraged. I don't know if mine are good enough. To my discredit, not Christopher's. But we'll try and see how it goes. I was looking at some of the self-shot sets and they seem to be fairly low quality, so maybe I still stand a good chance. We'll find out. I sent Isaac a photo. He didn't say much, hahaha :P

      So, I have to tell you all this amazing this that happened at work today. I was taking a double, and while I'm at one house delivering pizza, I put the other pizza bag on the roof of my car. I get to my next delivery, look in my passenger seat and... no pizza. I figure it probably slipped out right at the first delivery and hope it's not in too bad of shape. So I'm driving back to the other place, and along the way on a MAIN road, I look over and see my pizza bag, laying upside down, in the rain, already having been run over several times. I was suprised it had managed to stay on my car for so long. So I pull over, watch three other cars, run it over, and then I grab it. I look inside. There is some strange mixture of pizza, wings, and brownies. It smells like chocolate. I call the store and tell Cleighton that I need him and Keegan to very discretely remake the order without Chris knowing. We gett'er done and I eventually tell Chris and Loren. They laugh. The end.

      Mk, something I want to say. I am so so sorry to several of my past boyfriends. Specifically the ones I dated when I wasn't over Nathan. Dear Lord, if I caused you half as much pain with my indecisiveness as I am in right now over his, then I apologize. I had no idea how difficult it is to watch as someone day in, day out changes their mind about you. It destroys you, it makes you hard, it messes you up. Life isn't funny anymore. I don't know how those boys put up with me for so long. You know you'd be better off if you just moved on... but you can't. You've got that small chance still, and you can't let go while you still have that. And I finally realize why even if you say something a million times, the person who cares about you just doesn't seem to hear it. Funny the things you learn on the other side of the fence.

      Cause I see you lying next to me, with words I thought I'd never speak, awake and unafraid, asleep or dead! Ah, My Chemical Romance, your CD is so excellent. I stayed up until five for McDonald's hashbrowns. They were delicious.
music. famous last words - my chemical romance

Friday, November 17, 2006

Mk, so pretty much. Chris and I did THE photoset today. It turned out pretty well. Chris is happy with them, which is rare and awesome. It was a little weird at first, I didn't know how to pose and such. Usually Alyssa or "Jeff" (the lights guy) would have been there, but no, it was just me and the wonderful Christophe. Hmm, guess I can't really say too much about it here, can I? Too bad. Well, needless to say, I'm stoked about the whole thing. Uploading said pictures right now. We took 110, I'm sending 71. Hopefully they are well recieved. Chris' umbrella came in yesterday, so that gave the pictures a nice softer look. I'm glad Christophe's here teaching me about photography. I totally would have given up long ago if I didn't learn from him here and there.

Uh, I just ate some reisens, which probably wasn't a good idea, because now I feel sick. I didn't get any sleep last night... too stoked for today's shoot, maybe? Look up snapalope hunting on Google. You'll enjoy it. It's chilly in my house. Thinking about staying up for McDonald's hashbrowns, but the upload'll be done by then, and then I'm going to bed. Although the lure of said hashbrowns is extremely tempting. I fell asleep at work today. Christophe has been super cool lately, it's been great. Today was a good day. Today was a loud day. Tonight, I will sleep well. Ps. Yesterday, Olly took me longboarding and, I ALMOST DIED. Seriously. Snowboarding in a ridiculously short number or weeks. So stoked. Might die. Bedtime. Go check out 'At Arms Length' by Open, Parachute! Myspace.
music. american love - haste the day <-- special song.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

I feel lost. I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something more than this. I'm happy. I just feel like I'm missing something. I know that I am missing you. Very much. You say that you still care, but it doesn't seem to be that hard for you. It is so hard for me.
music. lips of an angel - hinder

Monday, November 13, 2006

      Everyone is doing that fifteen thing again, so I decided to jump on the bandwagon. Again. I'm pretty sure I said something about a bandwagon the last time I did this. This is hard, I'm at twelve here, and running out of people who are worth writing about. So here goes.

      1. You seem to show up and then disappear for months at a time. But that's alright with me, I don't think I can stand you for too long at one time. You dropped the L-word on me and that's kinda weird. I don't know what it is you want with me. We might be able to be friends, but your lifestyle is a little too crazy for me.

      2. Last time I wrote this, I said I didn't know you very well. I suppose I still don't in a way, but we just kind of understand each other. We ask each other those questions we don't think anyone else can answer. You're always there for a hug and some quick, simple advice. You're a friend, without any of the negative stuff.

      3. Well. You just found out a bunch of "horrible" things about me. You didn't really seem to have much to say. We're very different, you and I. So as long as we're both happy, then that's all that matters. I still love you even though you're "too good."

      4. Known you longer than almost all the people on here. You've always been a true friend, always putting me and everyone else before yourself. Always selfless, to the point where you never get anything done for yourself! I enjoy our new favourite pasttime very much, and I have plans for you and a certain someone.

      5. Well, it's been a difficult long while for us. And I can finally say that we're friends. You can finally take most everything I say as a joke. Quit your damn bad habit!

      6. Haven't known you that long, but it seems like quite a while. Things were going a little fast, so I slowed them down. I'm pretty sure things will never work out in the long run, so what am I looking for right now? Companionship, I guess. You're a cool guy and I like your company, but it seems like someone needs to bring you back to earth.

      7. You left me. And you're not coming back for a long time. Not much to say, but you're the best, we have some crazy memories. You always leave for a while and come back though, so I know I'll be seeing you sometime down the road! I miss you!

      8. You also left me, but I hadn't really been seeing a lot of you anyways. You're going in a totally different direction than me. I don't know what you're gonna want to do when you get back, cause I don't think we're gonna be sharing a lot of the same interests anymore. We'll give it a try. Complete opposites can always balance each other out, right? Don't jump into a certain something when you get back. You're too young, kiddo.

      9. You think we're going to be like this forever. But I don't want that. But, it is better than not knowing you. What you want changes day in, day out. Make sure you're doing what you're doing for the right reasons. You're something huge in my life, so either you're here for the long run, or you're here to teach me an extremely painful lesson. You're always going to have a special place in my heart. You made me a much better person, thank you.

      10. You're fun. We need to hang out more often. You make me laugh.

      11. I wish I found it easier to say no, but I don't like to hurt feelings. I don't really want to hang out with you. You aren't quite picking up on what I'm saying, I guess. I don't like you like that, and if you keep on insisting on trying anyways, after I blatantly told you that, then I'm not going to like you at all.

      12. I see you enough that we aren't friends anymore. You're seriously my brother. Not even "like." You are. That tone of voice you use on me. Yeah, you're family now.

      13. Thanks for the reality checks. You always give me the worst possible outcome, so that when I finally get my answers, they always seem better because I was expecting the worst. You don't need to impress everyone, and believe me, some people can see right through that.

      14. Buddy. You know I care about you so much. I got your back from way way far away. You make me feel good everytime we talk. Seems like everything is just not working out for you lately. But I'll always be here to chat.

      15. It's been a full year! How cool is that? Thanks for an important lesson in growing up. Looking back, I can fully appreciate it, and I harbour no hard feelings. If we're friends someday, that'll be cool, if not, that's just fine too.
music. lips of an angel - hinder

Labels: friends

Saturday, November 11, 2006

If asked why I'm doing it, I suppose I would say that I want to be desired. Maybe that's not a good enough reason. To feel sexy, to feel wanted, to feel important. My intentions are good. I want to do this. It feels big. To be noticed. Yes. To be noticed. I am bigger than this small town.
music. lovestoned - jt

      Ok, I want to make this short because I'm fucking cold. My house seriously has no heating. Well, it does, but I don't know what the fuck it does, because heating the house and keeping me warm is not one of them. Brrr! Anyways. Today. Well, even if today was good, I would say it was bad because it ended badly. Sort of. You ever get someone telling you something over and over, but you just don't get it, you think it'll work out the way you want it to. Yeah. Man I can be a real idiot sometimes. But how can you not love someone that aplogizes for hurting you, then holds you, and tries to make you feel better. It just makes me love him more. And it doesn't work that way. Not for us. Not for me. I'm not going to get what I want, and the faster I realize and accept that... I guess the better off I'll be. But "deep down inside," I know he doesn't want that anymore than I do. To move on. Or for me to move on at least. He doesn't want that. I've been told it's for selfish reasons. And if it is, he doesn't realize it, because he's not that kind of guy. He really is confused. I'm not used to having someone be more confused than me. Usually I'm the one breaking hearts. And I suppose this is my punsihment (finally) for all the damage I've done. If only I'd known. But if it doesn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be. But for now it hurts, and for now it feels right, and for now is all I can think about. I'm lost. Not sure if I'm still supposed to try, or if I should keep my mouth shut and let life take it's course. It's going to anyways, but I have a hard time trying not to intervene.

      I moved my blog over to blogger beta and I don't like it and I can't change back and that makes me mad. You know what would suck? If blogger went down permanently like Ujournal did. My journal seriously just disappeared along with everyone else's without warning for several months. It really sucked. I should back this up somehow. The only written journals I keep are really private stuff that I don't write on here, but it would be nice to know that I'll always have access to what? Three years of my life recorded on here? That's pretty cool. It's weird. Memories are one thing. But when you can go back and read things you said, man, it's a strange feeling. Maybe I will live on forever on the internet, in one form or another hehe :) So cold. Bed soon.

      I miss Alyssa. I'm going out tomorrow to 70Below for the first time since she moved. It's gonna be weird. Josh is taking her place as my right-hand man. But no kisses for him. Hopefully we'll have a good time. I've had an appetite for partying for the past couple days. Possibly because of the heavy listening to Britney Spears Greatest Hits, and B: The Remixes. Great great CD's. Is that wrong? Britney Spears turns me on. Let's not get into it. I was all emo today. It was lame. I hate it when you're listening to a totally "emo" CD, and you're like, yeah yeah I can identify with that. Ugh, takes me back about three years. I am set back a few months right now. But hey, I know the future then right? That's comforting. I love how my blog can at times make sense to no one but me. Except when I go to read this entry years from now, I'll be like, "what the fuck was I talking about?" So yeah. Josh took some pictures of me today in the spare bedroom. Didn't turn out as planned, but they kinda had their own appeal. I put my favourite one up on my myspace. Go comment on it. I like pictures. I like the way they capture one moment in time, in history, one feeling. Maybe that's why I like having pictures taken of me. I feel as though I've captured myself forever at that one moment in time. No matter what happens, that one moment will always exist. And I like taking pictures, because I like to be the one to capture those moments. Anyways, I'm rambling. I want to be sexy tomorrow. Night.
music. i've just begun (having my fun), toxic (Peter Rauhofer Reconstruction Mix) - britney spears

Labels: blog, chris, partying, photos

Thursday, November 09, 2006

      So, Chris ordered his photo umbrella in, and it should arrive in around ten days, so we're gonna wait until then to do the set. But I'm getting so antsy. I tried to do my own photoset today, but it's so tough without a remote control. I even borrow Chris' tripod. But yeah, lighting was less than desirable. I was trying to shoot in front of the guest bedroom window cause it lets in this really soft light, but I need... an umbrella or a softbox or something on me. Yeah, I actually love totally getting into this. Especially this new thing hehe, it's super fun and well, I don't know, I'm just really excited about it.

      In other news, Christophe came over last night and we watched Blow. He's really confused and man, he does make a whole lot of sense on the what-he-wants front. But at least he knows that. And I'm not just friggin' crazy. So hopefully he understands where I'm coming from. At least I know what I want. But hey, life goes on right, no matter what kinda shit happens. So may as well make the best of it, do everything, make the best choices. Those can kind of conflict. Anyways, if anyone has an idea for a photoset theme, tell me! So far, we've come up with a business woman, mechanic, and well, I really want to do SexyBack, cause well, that'd be hot.

      Finally, my three days of time off is over, and I can make some money tonight, which will go towards my huge pile of bills. Then maybe I can buy a freebord, or you know, one of the many things I currently want. Some photography equpitment. Hmm, maybe I should make a wishlist. Snowboarding in a month minus two days kids! Weather permitting. Anyways, Joshua is coming over to possibly help me with some of these photos before work. Then I'm going to Olly's to do homework. Hahaha, FUCK, I'm so hungry. Mr. Noodles suck. And PS. I have super cool eyebrows right now. Yeah, that's right.
music. sexy back (linus loves remix) - justin timberlake

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

      Well, Christopher, your lie was a good one. You should have kept me beleiving it. That was a really really bad idea and I don't know what you're getting out of telling me truth. Hope you got something, because it really just fucked everything up even more.

      My application is going well. Last step hopefully should be coming up soon, if my photographer and I can stand each other's company, haha. Olly stole and molested a chicken for me last night. Wish I knew more about him, but he's really... mysterious or hard to read or something. Not used to that. And not going anywhere. Anyways. Took some pics yesterday with Phil and Olly. On my msnspace. Should be a link of this page somewhere. Locked my keys in my car again. Don't have money to money to call a tow truck. Fuck, I'm so poor right now. My car insurance comes out in a couple days, so hopefully I get some work in before then. Really should get a couple keys cut. What's this? The third time. Argh. Bad Domino's habits, I swear.

      Jordon bought a fucking freebord in Cumberland! WHAT THE FUCK! I'm so spending every single penny I make in the next week on one. Anyone wanna go for a drive? Fuck! I'm stoked about that. Life's pretty cool. I guess. I like being sexy, dancing, certain illegal things, and boarding. I spent my last few bucks on wagon wheels. Healthy. Sex? Yes please? I'm going downstairs to dance and clean my room.
music. dance dance (tommy sunshine remix) - fallout boy

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Well everyone. I have to keep this short cause Kayley's sleeping on the couch next to the computer. But I just wanted to let you all know that I did just what I said I was gonna do. I said as soon as I got my dreads and started my sleeve, I would apply. And I just did! I'm so excited! For pics, go check out my myspace. You may be seeing my smiling mug elsewhere soon enough hehe :)
music. mama - mcr

Thursday, November 02, 2006

      Ok. Time for an update. Alyssa leaves tomorrow morning. Me, Loren, Josh, and her are catching the five fifteen ferry outta Tswwassen. Good Lord. That's early. Dunno if I'll even bother going to bed. Maybe Olly will come keep me company? Haha, no, I keep him up late all the time, and the poor guy has school in the morning. Yeah. So on that topic. He's pretty darn cute. And sweet. Did I mention that he's cute? He made me waffles this morning. And I met his dad and his brother. Uhh, yesterday he came with to 70below. Good times. Not used to being there and NOT being under the influence. I guess that's a bad thing. Anyways, so yeah. He's cool.

      Got my half sleeve started. Just got the greylining done cause I was feelin' outta it, and Dave couldn't stop laughing cause the inside of my arm is so tickelish. BUT! I got some of my armpit tattooed right up in the corner, but MOTHERFUCKER! It hurt so bad. Uhh, yeah so it looks pretty good. Can't wait to get some of the black lining done and then some color. That'll happen December 5th. Pretty sweet. Dreadlocks happening on Friday. So stoked. Mt. Washington opens in a little over a month. I am FUCKING excited for that. You don't even know. Opening day? I think so. Olly snowboards, so that's good. A lot better than me, but that's a given haha. I'll try my best to keep up.

      And yeah. Working, partying, looking to move out again. Should get on that. No roommates, cause I wanna live by myself. At least until Alyssa gets back. Maybe pick up a second job. Hangin' out with Olly. I got myself a doctor's appointment on Monday about my weight at the suggestion of everyone plus me. Yeah, it's getting kinda ridiculous. But hey, at least I know right, so don't anyone go thinking I'm trying to look like this. I want to be big and meaty! Snowboarding. Dear sweet baby Jesus, seven pounds, six ounces, let me go snowoarding soon. Ok, I'm gonna start rambling here soon.

      Kayley comes up this weekend for family photos. First ones in like eight or ten years. Maybe I'll post the old ones haha. But yeah, haven't seen her in a while. Should probably pick up her birthday present. Haha.. I'm a terrible sister. I told her to get on giving me some neices and nephews. We'll take some pictures. Woohoo! I saw Damien at the mall today. Hehehe, I love tattooed boys. Speaking of which, I should probably get that done... Uh huh. Fucker. Wish he didn't fuckin' hate me so much. He should probably just get over it and make everyone's lives better. Sorry, if that sounds harsh, buddy. But I don't like coming to work when you're like that.

      In closing. Olly's a babe. I don't know what I want or what I'm looking for. School maybe next year. I dunno. Moving out sounds good. Party? Settle down? Date? I don't knoooow. I hate not knowing what I want. Thought I had a nice little thing going, but well, I guess you never know, right? Should probably start by curbing a certain nasty habit I seemed to have developed. Perhaps Alyssa's absence will help with that. Maybe. 70 this Saturday anyone? Maybe I'll take PHIL. HAHAHAHHAHA, oh God. Life is not what I thought it was gonna be.
music. the diary of jane - breaking benjamin, sexyback - linus loves remix