I miss Parker. A lot. I want a puppy. Or a cat that acts like a dog. Like Parker. :( Goddamnit.





      Okay, so. I was gonna be all pissed cause I didn't think my last night's post actually posted. But it did. So now I have some explaining to do. But first. I feel like I got hit by a goddamned bus. And it knocked all the food out of me, so I'm hungry. Fuuuuckkkk. I've been chewing the same piece of gum for about thirteen hours now. Pretty sure my jaw died at some point last night. I don't think I slept. Maybe a little.

      And explaining. So I was Wilma Flinstone. There was a costume contest and I told Em and Sean that I needed to money for my half sleeve so they totally fixed it for me. I feel bad. ...Anyways. I won a hundred bucks at Tranceformations. I met Salmon's/Matt's brother whose name I don't remember, and he asked for my phone number for Salmon cause apparently I'm the first girl Salmon's liked since he told his family he was gay or something. Ah, the joys of not having a care in the world.

      Kevin and Trevor from Stock Exchangers show up. Trevor is the 34 year old that hit on me two weeks ago. Turns out he's married and was hitting on me right in front of his wife. Who now wants to kill me. Goodtimes! I'm just a twenty year old homewrecker apparently. Lord, the trouble I manage to get myself into. So I was asking Kevin about the whole thing cause I was curious, and then Kevin goes on about how much HE likes me blah blah blah. So. That was interesting. Kevin is thirty-one. And scary. And he was dead, so that didn't help matters. I saw Trevor later that night and he gave me this little apologetic smile. Moving on.

      My dress was so short. Pretty sure everybody saw my bum. Olly came down after work. We danced. It was good. Really good. Uh, Alyssa was amazed by his AMAZING hot-ness(?) and after we discovered his tummy... well, she decided to ask me if she could kiss him and I said sure(??) and so she did and he's just standing there with this bewildered look on his face. We then remembered that they don't know each other, and that he is sober. He probably thinks we're weird now. So... Olly's a babe. Mhm. Bar closes. Staff are allowed to stay. Plus me. So everyone leaves. Me and Lys say no to shrooms. Em says yes. Em gets really high and proceeds to tell me how beautiful I am, and what a big crush on me he has. I love him, in the way that you guys would love me if I was a twenty-five year old black dude with a coke habit. Said no to that too.

      Yeah, me and Lys hang out with Sean and Emerson for the rest of the night. I am sooo tired, I am falling asleep on Emerson. Who is high. Everyone gets kisses. And I mean, EVERYONE. Don't think I've ever been kissed by some many people in one night! I wasn't kidding when I said I was messed the FUCK up. If I said that. Josh is pissed which I find annoying. Me and Alyssa go back to Brendan's house and sit around for about three hours talking about random stuff and watching his lava lamp. Which was strangely entertaining. We finally go home. It is light outside. I don't really sleep. I have drug-induced dreams.

      On side notes. Alyssa and I decided there has to be something totally wrong with Olly, because there's no way he just so happened to be single. I could go on? But we'll just leave it at... amazing/hardcore. The ocean is cold. Snake tattoos. And when you smile, your whole face smiles, and it makes me smile. And if anyone thinks (and you would be right to) that I'm 'moving on,' way too quickly, well I figure I was getting over him for the past four months where he didn't know what he wanted. This is super easy and it's great. Maybe we could have been friends, and I really would have liked to... you helped me become a way better person, but something about you changed. Well, a lot, actually. I hope I didn't cause it, because it's definately not a welcome change. But I sincerely, honestly hope you're happy and I wish you the best. In another life when we are cats, perhaps. Just thought I would put that out there, cause it's been on my mind too. Don't worry. I'm taking my time. I'm being careful.

      In closing. I am so scared because everything is changing. My best friend is moving to the other side of the country. My tattoo is haunting me already. I have to move out cause our house is going on the market. These changes never seem tiny to me. They always seem to come all at once. It's like, my whole life changes once every year or so, I drop everything and start something completely different. This time I am so scared because... I dunno, this time it's just more complicated and completly unexpected. I'm really worried. I am literally skin and bones. It's not attractive, and it's kind of scary. Think I'm gonna need some help in that department very shortly. So yeah. Those are sort of the big things in my life right now. And all of them are gonna change. I wish at least one of them was staying the same for a bit longer.
music. sleep - my chemical romance





      This is gonna be one of those posts where when you get to the end, you're going to say, "what the fuck was she on?" So I'll have you the time and tell you I AM SO FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW! And then I'll give you the teaser to last night. "WILMA!" Giving my phone number to Salmon's brother because I am the first girl Salmon has liked since he figured he was gay. Tasha wins costume competition because Emerson and Sean fixed it. Tasha gets $100 bucks for Tranceformations. Kevin and Trevor are there. TREVOR IS MARRIED. Tasha shows everyone her dumb tattoo. Olly coming. Dancing with Olly. Olly has a nice tummy. Alyssa kissing Olly, and then when trying to figure out why he was so weirded out, we remembered that they don't know each other. Olly leaving. Tasha and Alyssa say no thanks to shrooms. Emerson eats shrooms, confesses undying love for Tasha. Sitting for a long time in the DJ booth. WTF. Some more WTF. Tasha and Alyssa sit in Brendan's room for like three hours watching the lava lamp. Fuck. Seriously. What a weird fucking night. Way way way too messed up. Seriously, if you need more detailed info... ask me after I've slept. We ran around in the surf today. It was cool. You're funny. I like you. I'm probably going to be embarressed when I read this tomorrow. Remember: Not in my right mind.
music. revenga - system of a down





      Alright. Seriously. Time for bed. I just spent way too many hours moving my old old journal over onto here. As you can see the entries now go back to September 2003. Don't read them. It's embaressing. Seriously. Could I have been anymore emo? I moved over one hundred entries one at a time. Just for my own damn benifit. You really don't have to go back there. Certain thing I wish to forget. Well, I guess I could, but I chose to immortilize them on the net. How cute. Anyways. If you do have a peek back there, remember how cool I am now, and I'm sure we'll be good. I played poker with Isaac. Isaac won.
music. my chemical romance





      So yesterday. I bought the new My Chemical Romance CD. And I like it. You should listen to 'Teenagers' and 'The Sharpest Lives.' It's a different sound from Sweet Revenge. Anyways. I bought the rest of my costume to be the narrator from Fight Club. Got a gunshot wound, some blood and some bruise tattoos. Pretty sweet. That's for Tuesday. I'm thinkin' I wanna be Wilma Flinstone on Saturday. Alyssa's idea. I think that's what she intended. It'd be hot. We're going to Seventy Below I think. So, everyone, go there and dance with me.

      I made my journal more me. Fight Club is awesome. Uhh, my tattoo is soon! Then dreads are soon after that! Working with Chris is cool. We're getting along great, so that's nice. It's a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. So. I had a hot date last night. His name's Olly. He plays guitar in Johnny Good. He asked me to a movie. Don't bother seeing the Grudge 2 is all I have to say. And if you do.. well, even if you don't I have to tell you about this one part. This girl who's been affected by the grudge or something drinks two litres of milk in like ten seconds and then starts to throw the milk back up into the container. No sense. Whatsoever. Anyways. So then we went to Timmies and talked for some time, and then to 70Below, and then for a long walk and talk at the waterfront. It was nice. He is cute. (And really cool, but who needs that?) Yeah. Good times.

      So my parents have a 'hold' on that property which is actually in Ladysmith, but they're getting a lot of work done around the house, so I guess they're actually serious about moving. My mom wants to have the house on the market in the next month. Anyone looking for a roommate? I guess this means I actually have to keep my room and bathroom clean. Not likely. Worked tonight, work all night tomorrow. Supper on Saturday, then dancing. Everyone: Come. In costume. Life is treating me pretty frickin' well right now.

      By the way. The countdown has started. 42 days. 42 days until my life gets like ten million times betters because in 42 days... Mt. Washington opens and I can go snowboarding. I smile just thinking about. Snowboarding? Anyone? If you don't, you're missing out. SO FUCKING EXCITED!!
music. the sharpest lives - my chemical romance





      I got my answer last night. Finally. It wasn't the one I wanted I guess, but for some reason I'm calm and even... happy. I'm just glad it's over I guess. No more wondering, I can move on and be done with it. Don't know if we can be friends right off the bat, I guess we'll see how it goes. Hopefully making some new friends anyways :) Alyssa moves to Ontario on November 2nd. That's really sad. But I hope she finds whatever she's looking for. Chris and Loren are leaving for Europe most likely in January. So! I'm gonna need some new snowboarding buddies!

      I keep having the most vived dreams when I sleep. Like full on, I can remember hours and hours or minutes haha of dreaming. It goes on forever like something that actually happened to me the day before. So weird. I wonder if it's something I'm eating before bed... or not eating since I don't really eat or drink anything before bed. Hmm, weird. Ok, wait, I have another idea of what it might be haha, but we won't go there.

      So my half sleeve is coming up on Halloween, so Tuesday of next week, and then dreadlocks appointment is the Friday after that, so wow, I'll be spending quite enough money that week. I want to buy a cheap little tripod for my camera and learn some more about that. I bought a book about glamour shots today but maybe I should stick to learning the basics first. It would be nice if I actually learned to do something right from the beginning. I suppose this could be self taught. I definatly do not have a drum set to teach myself how to do that.

      It really is ridiculous how good of a mood I'm in. I seriously hope it lasts. I've been dealing with it for like the past four months, so maybe I got it all out of me then. I knew it was coming for the past couple weeks, so yeah, maybe/hopefully the worst of it is behind me. Just gotta do a few... things hahaha, but I don't need to rush to get that done.

      Harry came into the store last night while I was working, completely wasted and kept asking me out for Tuesday and I kept saying no, and man, he just did not get it and kept hassling me. Anyways, I still said no, but it was pretty funny. He climbed in my car at one point. Keep in mind that I don't exactly know Harry. Uhh what else? Cleighton wants to do something on Saturday. Hahaha, ah long stories. Josh is trying to avoid me. I want someone to come with me on the third to Vancouver to get my dreads done. It's gonna take all day and I'm gonna be so bored. But sooo happy when they're finally done.

      I've been thinking about moving out again. I want to be by myself, but I can't really afford more than say, five hundred a month rent, so those are few and far between, and I would be so picky about who I lived with if I had a roommate. Anyways, I'll look into that later. I should burn a CD today with all my old favourite songs on it. We moved all of Alyssa's stuff in my garage yesterday and man, she has a lot. It takes up half the garage. I went to AJ's after work on Saturday and that was fun. Didn't stay for very long cause I don't think I know anybody well enough to just hang out after Chris is gone.

      Alright, so these spaces need to be filled. Friend to come with Tasha to Seventy Below most Saturdays, and friends to go snowboarding with. Even my parents are moving. Well, I am twenty, I should be looking at getting outta here anyways. I like Nanaimo, so I'm happy staying in town. Okay, burning a CD, then heading to work alll night.
music. untitled - silverchair





      Where do I fit into all this. What impact do I make? What am I supposed to be doing. Who the hell am I? I hate these days. Choice, Tash, choice. Fuck. I hear it all the time and it's true, but sometimes I just wanna feel. What AM I supposed to be doing. I wonder if it's something more than this. Need something to take my mind off things. Need a change of scenery. Need to get away. Am I running away from my problems? Maybe. I wouldn't know where to go. Maybe some new friends would help. Don't know how to make those. Doing okay though. Maybe hangout with some boys tonight. Maybe be awkward. Maybe overanylyze and forget to have a good time. Why do my parents hate me. Not hate. Why do they dislike me so much. I'm not a perfect kid, but I'm an okay one. I'm not paranoid. I swear to God my mom hates me at least. Severley dislikes. Karma. Whatever it is. I deserve every bit of shit I suppose. Think you're invincible, until that one person proves you're not. This is a fucking weird ramble.

      What I'm doing to him, he's doing to me. I thought it was different, but maybe not so much. Why am I such a bitch? I don't mean to be really. I'm just selfish I guess. Seriously. Too optimistic for my own good. No, reading this I would say too pessimistic. But really I'm both. But I daydream and they always have happy endings. I don't know how to feel anymore. Why can't people just tell you how they feel about you? Why do they have to say things behind your back and be nice to your face. Why did I fuck up? I'm sad. Really sad. I cried for the first time in a while today. You were so mean. How can you be that mean to somebody who only wants good things for you. Eating my words now. I guess everyone sees it from the perspective they choose. If I put myself in his shoes, I don't stand a fucking chance. Maybe it's time to buck up and realize that.

      Everyone's going. I'm going to be stuck here, by myself. Then what will I do? I like Nanaimo. I just don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I'm too dependent on people. When did that happen? I was always the loner. To never fall in love, to never fall in love again. Today is a bad day. Gotta work tonight. Sorry about the ramblings. Nobody said you had to read it.
music. hypnotize - system of a down





      So. Myspace has been keeping me from updating. I have way too many web based things to look after. Alyssa's trying to send me a slutty picture of me. I declined. Got those pictures Chris took of me and Alyssa back. There's a few good ones. One of them is on my myspace if you wanna go have a look. But beware! It's sexy. There are some pretty bad ones too, so we just won't talk about those. Uhh, things are dramatic lately, but I don't really care. Life has become more relaxing for the most part. I do have my drama moments, but they're getting fewer and farther between. The hurting is less now too.

      Alyssa's gonna be crashing here for a couple weeks. That should be fun. We went costume shopping today. I bought lots of sexy black things to be a Dominatrix, and then decided to just stick with being Jack from Fight Club. Narrarator. Whatever. I practiced putting on a black eye today. It sucked, but it fooled a few people. Sent in my pictures to the Knotty Boy studio in Vancouver, and hopefully I'll be able to make an appointment tomorrow. Woohoo for dreadlocks. I actually got invited to go somewhere on Saturday by new people so that should be pretty cool. Things are on the up and up ever so slowly. There's this cute guy.
music. the mission impossible theme - limpbizkit





      It feels like everything just got turned upside down. And I am calmy watching it all happen. I'm tired and numb and just here. Everything feels backwards and not normal. Like when you're just about to go through a major change in your life... in regards to the people you hold dear, I suppose. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel, or what's really even going on. Everything feels just a little off. I hung out with Phil today. We had breakfast and went to Culture Craze and then to the hospital where we found out he had broken his hand. He has a cast now. He was a little bit different in the way you would be when you are seeing someone for the first time in a long while and you are trying to impress them. But I could tell he was still the same old Phil. And I am a different Tasha. I am so quiet and thoughtful right now. I can barely hear myself speak, and this is strange to me. I feel like I'm watching myself doing things.
music. i slept with someone in falloutboy and all i got was this song written about me - fallout boy





      Thank you for reminding me that I know you better than that. That you're not using me. That you do care. That you don't like hurting me. That you're only human. That you don't have all the answers, but you're trying your best to answer mine. You even out the score. You balance the negative things everyone else says. And when everything is balanced, the bad and the good, I know exactly what I want, and that is to wait for you because I love you. I'm not foolish like they say. I know you better than they do. I know that I have changed, that I love you, and that I want to be with you. If I thought I would hurt you again, I woulnd't be persuing you because I respect you enough to not want to hurt you. Not wanting to hurt you more than wanting to be with you. Forgive who I was and what I did. Be with me. I will never make those mistakes again.
music. breakaway - kelly clarkson





      I suppose what I'm afraid of is becoming a burden. I already feel like I am. Someone's been mad at me already for it. Someone's asked me to leave because they wanted to be alone. All I wanted was to be around someone. It sort of feels like you're going crazy when it's really bad, but when you're normal, you feel stupid about things you said and did. I feel like I'm following you around and like I'm the one nobody actually wants to see because they don't know how to act and they feel like they have to watch what they say. And when I'm really good, it's comes off as funny and weird and I know exactly what it's like to watch someone you know be like that. It's embarressing. I feel like I am taking everything and not giving anything back. I feel like an afterthought.
music. the used





      I didn't really realize what it was until today. It started again with my Dad last week. I didn't notice it or anything, he just brought it up and was talking to my mom about it and then he started using his light and taking the meds again. I noticed it was getting really hard to make that 'choice' about how I would feel everyday. It's like I am PMS'ing times ten everyday now. It only dawned on me tonight that it might start early this year. This is only my second year doing this. I'm really scared because last year it only lasted a week, and it was the longest week of my life. I'm scared of being on meds. And I'm really scared of going through this again. It just feels like everything keeps piling up on top of everything else. It feels hopeless and I am so scared.
music. stereo disease - the februarys