So I just got home from work. Did some major cleaning. I love Chris. We all went dancing on Saturday. It. Was. A. Blast. Holy Crap. That's all I can say about that. Things with Chris are good on the friendship level, I hope it, you know-- goes somewhere soon. It's so hard not being with him. I could live without him, I just really don't want to. Knowing that keeps me knowing I'm not crazy and obsessive or anything. So can't sleep for unnamed reasons right now, so I'm going to entertain you with a survey type thing. Edit: Holy Crap. I just finished that, it's a quarter past four and I'm going to bed... as soon as I'm done my Snickers. Enjoy! I'm sure you'll laugh a little bit if you know me!

PART 1

1. What curse word do you use the most? Fuck.
2. Do you own an iPod? No, I wish. My money's for a truck right now though.
3. Who do you IM the most? Chris, Alyssa.
4. What time is your alarm clock set for? Who needs an alarm clock when you never work until 4pm?
5. How many suitcases do you own? One. Unless the other fifty count as suitcases, but I don't think they do.
6. Do you wear flip flops outside when it's cold out? Yep, but not as much as Alyssa!
7. Are you having a good day? Yep, today and the last several have been mostly great! It's all about choices.
8. What was the last movie you watched? Grandma's Boy. People over thirty being high is weird to me.
9. Do any of your friends have children? No :( I want to be an aunty!
10. Who is your bestfriend? Chris, Alyssa, Josh, and lots of other GREAT friends.
11. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster? No, just stuff that keeps me awake all night! But it's not "medication," per say.
12. What cd is currently in your cd player? A mix CD that Janelle made me for my twentieth birthday party. In my car is a mix CD of club music :)
13. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? Dumbest question ever. I think I had two and a half litres of chocolate milk today. 5 cartons.
14. Has anyone told you a secret this week? Yep, I get secrets from all angles!
15. When was the last time someone hit on you? Well, when I was delivering pizza last night, this guy said I had delivered to him a couple days ago and he asked me out. At the gaybar, I gave a girl my phone number cause she was cool... hopefully she doesn't think I'm a lesbian. I'm going to have to avoid Stock Exchangers at all costs now... thanks Kevin.
16. Can you whistle? Yep, sometimes I can do it with the fingers in my mouth too. I can inwards whistle like Jack Black does inwards singing.
17. Who was the last person to text you? Chris, after I sent him a naughty text hehe :)
18. Do you think people talk about you behind your back? I don't doubt it. Probably my closest friends do, but I trust them. It's not usually meant to be hurtful, but sometimes you gotta talk to someone else about problems and whatnot right? I know there is at least ONE jerk who says really horrible things about me, but I just choose to recognize that I'm better than that.
19. Did you watch cartoons as a child? Lots, like Bucky O'Hare, anyone remember that. Rugrats, Muppet Babies. I wish I still had TV. Wait-- does Family Guy count? Then yes.
20. How many siblings do you have? One, Kayley, she's 17, gradded this year. She's a cool sister.
21. Are you shy around the opposite sex? Hell no. Like 98% percent of people I get along with are guys. And the girls that are like... not so girly. I'm only shy if they think there's feelings there and they're really isn't. But even then, shyness is mostly reserved for boyfriend's parents!
22. What movie do you know every line to? Fight Club, the Matrix, Princess Bride! (Yeah, Kayley!)
23. What is the 4th text message on your CELL PHONE? Frazer sent me one that says, "Where you at?"
24. What is your favorite salad dressing? The stuff you put on Greek salad.
25. Do you read for fun? Yes I love books, especially the Time Traveller's Wife, The Chronicles of Narnia, I know this Much is True... let's stop there.
26. Do you do your own dishes? I don't eat at home. I am probably so unhealthy.
27. Have you ever cried in public? Lots, mostly because my heart is hurting... not physically, although lately I guess that would include physically!
28. Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop? Desktop.
29. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? Um, I don't know of anymore peircings that I want. I have my labret, nose, nipples, unmentionable, industrial, and stretched ears, along with many that I no longer have, so I've covered most of them. I have five tats, one of which has a wonderful guy's name on it. I have a tattoo consultation on the second with Dave at Tranceformations for... my first half sleeve! I am so excited.
30. What is the weather like? Well, it's three thirty in the morning. So Dark, and cold.
31. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos? Oh my God, I told Chris I wouldn't marry him UNTIL he had a sleeve... and a neck tattoo right up the front. Oh my LORD, tattoos turn me on way too much. Must stop thinking about Chris. Nah, I'd marry Chris in a heartbeat.
32. Do you have an online journal? This is my blog?
33. When was the last time you slept on the floor? Uhh, don't know. I slept in the backseat of my car not too long ago.
34. How many hours of sleep do you need to function? Fuck, at least twelve or thirteen.
35. Do you eat breakfast daily? Does it count as breakfast if your first meal is at like... 3pm?
36. Are your days full and fast-paced? When I actually get up... yes, I got to work and that's fufilling cause I work with all my best friends. It's great. I love my job and my life.
37. Did you ever get in trouble for talking in class? Yeah, not until grade eleven or twelve English though. My teacher was so shocked cause I had always been so quiet. I went badass in grade twelve, so did Janelle.
38. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of package? I'm a fat person at heart. But I don't think it's ever gonna happen.
39. When was the last time you drove in a car for over 2 hours? I was mad the other day so I went for a drive and got pretty close to Courtney before I turned around.
40. Are you picky about spelling and grammar? Yeah, I correct people's mistakes... maybe that's why nobody likes me?
41. Have you ever been to Six Flags? No, but I love rollar coasters.
42. Do you often dream when you sleep? I dream every night. In color. I remember them every morning. They're usually weird if I had chocolate milk or ice cream before bed.
43. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex? Opposite, but I have a couple girlfriends that fit in with the guys too :)
44. Do you like mustard? Ew, no.
45. Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back? Usaully on my side, sometimes on my tummy... I thought of a dirty joke.
46. Last person who called you? Alyssa. "OMG WHERE ARE YOU, COME PICK ME UP!!!111 LOL" Hahahhaha, juuuust kidding Alyssa.

PART 2

1) Single, taken or crushin? In the famous words of Jordan Davies, I'm with him, but he's not with me... but it's more than a crush. I'm permanently taken. I'm married in my heart hehe :)
2) Are you happy with where you are? Yeah, things are great. I have a really good foundation. I have Chris ("someday"), wonderful friends, an awesome job, fun on the weekend, and SNOWBOARDING soon!
3) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast? I feel like I loved him before we even knew each other. The moment I saw him... there was just something about him. Wish I'd known about the "choices" back then, right Alyssa? So that's a yes, if you didn't get it.
4) Have you ever had your heart broken? Yep, worst feeling ever. I hope this one forgives me. In my heart, I know he will choose to someday, because he loves me too. I just wish someday was soon!
5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where you find cheating acceptable? Cheating is never okay. If you cheat in your heart, it's just as bad... maybe ever worse. Unfortunately lust is my weakness, and I only just learned, after making the worst mistake of my life, that it's a choice, and I don't have to give into it.
6) Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you? It would depend on the person. If it was someone I loved and he was truly sorry, then in a heartbeat. I wouldn't have to think twice.
7) Have you talked about marriage with another person? Yes, but I get the feeling I'm a long ways away from that. It'll happen someday. Good thing I didn't end up going to that wedding with Chris, I would probably have wedding fever BAD!
8) Do you want children? Yes, but not for quite a while, like a good eight years at LEAST. I had baby fever recently... I would make cute little snaggletooth babies. Me and Chris with our lovely teeth, and terrible eyesight... maybe we shouldn't mate.
9) How many? Two at least, but more likely to be three.
10) Would you consider adoption? If I couldn't have kids... but I don't want to think about that. I don't like kids as it stands, so pretty sure they'd have to come outta me to make me like 'em.
11) If somebody liked you right now, what do you think a cool way to let you know would be? When I'm in like midsentance of something completely random, just grab my head and give me sexiest kiss ever.
12) Do you enjoy playing hard to get? I wouldn't quite call it playing hard to get, but you gotta be a little mysterious and not EASY. Don't make 'em beg. Relationships are based on respect. Playing hard to get with Chris would never work. He doesn't do mind games...
13) Be honest, do you play the "game" when you are dating? I seriously do not even know what the hell that means. Maybe I'm too old for this teenage lingo now?
14) Do you believe love at first sight existsts? Lust certainly does. Not love, because romantic love is a mutual thing. I beleive you can see a certain "something" in someone the first time you see them. You can have a feeling. Like about a kid with longer hair than me and lots of piercings and tattoos...
15) Are you romantic? Always thought I wasn't because I don't like... really absolutely love flowers, but yeah, I'm fucking romantic and I want a guy who is a least a little bit. I would love a guy to learn my favourite song and play it for me, or write me a nice letter, the old fashioned way, or take me out for a candlelight picnic... or watch the Notebook with me in a hayloft while it's raining... Walks in the rain at night and making out on the wet grass in public... that's hot. Definatley would like a litte bit of that.
16) Do you believe you can change someone? No, and I wouldn't want to. People will only change when they want to, are ready to, and decide to.
17) If you could get married anywhere, money not an object, where would it be? Uh, I don't know, nothing fancy. Outside on a crisp day in October with all the Fall colors... maybe at Butchart Gardens or something.
19) Do you easily give in when you are fighting? Not at first, fighting CAN be kind of sexy, but not when it's really hurtful. I don't mind going to bed angry. I'll be the first to apologize in the morning.
20) Do you have feelings for someone right now? Yes, the last boy I'm ever going to have these feelings for.. how exciting!
21) Have you ever wished you could've had someone but you didn't take advantage of your opportunity? No. Once I had enough confidence in myself, I feel I took advantage of every chance I wanted to take. I have no regrets. Everything that's happened has lead me to now, and I woulnd't want to be anywhere else.
22.) Have you ever broken a heart? Yes, I feel terrile about it... them? I don't know! I don't set out to hurt people!
23.)What will happen if you come home and find another person in bed with your significant other? I don't know. I would probably go and sit in another room and cry. They would... see me eventually if they already hadn't, and I would ask her to leave and then we would have a very important conversation. I wouldn't make a rash decision. I would get to the bottom of the problem.
24.) Would you ever fight somebody over your significant other? It would depend on the circumstance. If a girl is saying rude things about him, she's gonna get fucked up. Me raging is not fun, kids. If he chose another girl, I wouldn't fuckin' physically fight her.
25.) What would you say your boyfriend/girlfriend does better now than your last ex and what did your last ex do better than boyfriend/girlfriend now? Hmmm, Chris french kisses really differently, but Chris is better at absolutely everything. I wouldn't settle for a guy. I love everything about Chris.

PART 3:

1. Hometown: Born in Sidney, BC, lived in Nanaimo for most of my life. Nanaimo's my town.
2. Height: 5'1"
3. Hair color: Naturally dirty blonde. Currently dark brown, almost black.
4. Hair length: Just above my shoulders. When it gets there, it's going back into dreads baby!
5. Hair style: Messy bedhead usually. Dreads eventually.
6. Eye color: Blue-Grey.
7. Shoe size: 5 guys...
8. Mood: Right now, content, happy, tired, in love.
9. Sexuality: Straight
10. cell phone: Umm, a black Solo mobile, with the walkie talkie.

PART 4:

1. Have you ever been in love: Yes. Twice.
2. Do you believe in love?: Love is incredible, it's amazing, it's stronger than anything.
3. Why did your last relationship fail?: I ruined it because I made a very bad choice and didn't think out the consequences. He's the right guy though. It will work out for the best. I learned a very important lesson the hard way :(
4. Have you ever been heartbroken?: Yes, a couple of times.
5. Have you ever broken someones heart?: So I've been told.
6. Have you ever fallen for your best friend: No, but Chris became one of my best friends.
7. Are you planning on getting married?: Oh yes.
8. Are you afraid of commitment?: I thought I was because I couldn't seem to stick with one guy, but as I explained, all about the choices. I would make the 'big' commitment in a heartbeat.
9. Would you ever get married to someone of the same sex?: No...
10. Would you ever have sex with someone of the same sex? Again with the no. I'm not homophobic. But I definately like guys. I just happen to like the gaybar okay!?

PART 5:

1. Love or lust?: Love. Love is real. Lust is just... not a good idea. It ruins things.
3. Night or day?: Night, raining, stars, so beautiful.
4. Hook-ups or relationship?: Relationships, long, lasting, loving ones.
5. Tv or internet?: Internet and MSN all the way. Free TV on YouTube!
6. Pepsi or coke?: Chocolate milk?
7. Wild night out or romantic night in?: Wild night out, THEN romantic night in. I love my friends.
8. Saturday or Sunday?: Saturday night which turns into Sunday is ALWAYS a blast.
9. Colored or black and white picture?: Uh, depends on the photo. Color on a white background always looks great. Especially when done by Christophe.
10. Phone or in person?: In person, I'm no good on the phone.





      Again with the waiting, always the waiting, the wondering. Again with more bad days than good, and more being miserable than happy. But that's just the way these things go. You can't do much in this case but listen to your heart. You run out of words to say, reasons you should be here with me, anything that might change your mind. But you're too logical for all that. There are no mind games with you. You don't play that way. And so I have no choice but to wait, and this could be dragged out over months and years, and I'll still drop everything and be right here. And I can't remember how long it took with me. Did it feel like forever? This feels like forever to me. Feels like it's over again every single day, and so it hurts the same, never stops. You keep reminders of The End. Maybe so you can remind yourself why you're doing this. Or are you too scared to be happy, just let go of those things that haunt you. Good things rarely come easy, and you're one of those good things. A good confused thing. There's nothing left to wonder about, sweetheart. I'm right here, waiting for you. There's nothing more I can do. Nothing I can say to convince you. So, in closing, there's really no point to this. I'm just watching the clock tick by the hours, the nights turning into days, wondering how many days it's been, wondering when I can stop waiting for happiness to return.
music. what it is to burn - finch





      Ok, so I figured I should update, but I'm doing it on Josh's laptop, so it's hard to type and will more thank likely be short. Um, so we went and saw Parker yesterday around two thirty, and the vet told us that she had been having seizures every half an hour, but that they were under control at the moment. She gave her about a fifteen percent chance. She wasn't in any pain because she was so heavily medicated, so we decided to leave the final decision until midnight, when the vert would come in to check on her. She could have brain damage even if she pulled through. So I waited at work, but my mom called at ten thirty to say that Parker had died around eight o'clock, while people were still there. But she didn't feel anything, so she went peacefully. I don't know how to feel about it right now. I cried so much the night before and when we went to see her at two. So I didn't cry very much, but my feelings felt very conflicted. I still don't know how I feel. Just that I keep looking for her for a second when I'm at home before I remember. I feel like I want a puppy and then the next moment, I don't even want any of the animals that we still have. It's weird.

      I suppose I should also follow up everything else. Chris came home, and I was so happy, and things went better than I was expecting. Although I was expecting the worse, so yay! A few of us went to the casino, and I won twelve dollars on the slot machines! Very exciting! Chris won seventy dollars at Black Jack and bought us all A&W afterwards. After that, he dropped me off at home because he was tired, and I told him about the letter, and he said he would come over the next morning, so I could read it to him.

      Next morning, he did come over and I read him the note and we both cried. He said the trip was exactly what he needed, so hopefully that means things are going to work out. I hope they are. Everything was kind of bittersweet, because I was happy, but I was really sad about Parker. I showed him my new outfit... he liked it, and that's all I'm gonna say about that. We cuddled, but that kind of got ruined when my mother came down to tell me we had to go to the vet. We spent some of last night together and just cuddled some more. Not dating yet, but I think and hope things are eventually gonna go in that direction.

      Loren's ex-girlfriend, Megan, came to the store two or three days ago and fucking walked in, started yelling at Alyssa, and then fucking attacked her. I fucking started pulling her hair, pulling her off of Alyssa. Loren kinda stood there in shock, and Josh came charging out of the back and threw the bitch out of the store. Stupid whore. So I'm trying to get Alyssa to file a complaint, so that if it happens again, we can take more serious action, cause seriously this girl's a psycho, and this probably isn't over. Edit: Alyssa and I went to the copshop yesterday night and filed the report. They know about her shoplifting and so does Wal-Mart. The police officer wants us to put in our written statements today and he's going to Megan's house on Saturday to talk to her and her parents. Right on!

      We thought someone was cutting the crotch out of Alyssa's underwear because that's exactly what it looked like. Well, it was the land ladie's dog, Gus. He eats the crotches of panties... eats and digests. Fucking pervert dog. Yeah, I started this post yesterday so I'm not sure where I was going with it. My friend is getting some much needed help in the form of some doctor's and that makes me happy. Work was fun yesterday, eh Chris? Ran into Josh, Loren, and Alyssa at Seven Eleven after work, talked to Wade for a while, and then went to watch the Talented Mr. Ripley, but Loren and Alyssa fell asleep on me so I went home, so the movie's still on! I want another tattoo... a half sleeve, I have ideas. Japansesey, but not the style. Tasha loves Chris with all her heart. Tasha out.
music. psycho - system of a down





      Okay, I'm writing this because I need to calm down. It's four thirty in the morning. I woke up around three thirty because it sounded like my two year old black cat, Parker, was playing with somthing on the floor and it was annoying me. I turned on the light and she was gasping for air, shaking, and she was trying to walk towards me but none of her legs were working. They just kept falling out from under her. She was frothing at the mouth, and her eyes were huge. I panicked and ran upstairs to get my mom, and Park tried to follow me up the stairs, but her legs kept not working and she fell down the fucking stairs.

      I was fucking screaming for my mom to get up. And both my parents did and she wrapped Parker in a towel, and Parker stopped breathing and then she started again, and she just fucking layed there and didn't move. We called the emergency vet line and they took fucking five minutes to call us back. Nobody seemed to want to move their fucking asses. We got the hospital and had to wait another five minutes because the vet wasn't there yet. When she did get there, she wanted our names and a fucking deposit before she did anything. Parker seems to be allergic to a flee medicine that my mom rubbed on the back of her neck. Either that or my mom gave her the dog one, which is also possible. The vet is going to give her a bath to get it off of her, and put some sort of IV in her to flush out her system. She said that it can be fatal, and that Parker might not be alive tomorrow or right now. FUCK.

      Parker is one of my two cats that I got when my cat since I was five, Misty, died in 2004. Parker has the most personality I have ever seen in a cat. She meows all the time, to tell you what she's doing, and when it's bedtime, she meows to find out where I am, and then she crawls under the blankets with me and puts her paws over my arm and goes to sleep, just like a little dog. She's affectionate and always sweet. I don't want to think about not having her.

      I was freaking out so badly, that I brought on one of the stressed out SVT episodes, and my heart was going so nuts, that it was probably missing a beat every three or four beats, which means that I was gasping for air, and it looked like I was having a fucking seizure. I'm so exhausted from it now, I can barely feel the left side of my body. It feels like I was hit by a truck. I feel a lot better now. My breathing is still shaky but the tremors have gone. That was the first time my parents have ever seen one of those episodes, and my dad was fucking freaking out asking if I needed to go to the hospital and my mom was pretty much standing there in horror. I tried to explain to them that it didn't hurt, it just felt like I was going to die because my heart wasn't beating. Doesn't hurt though. Also doesn't make a lot of sense to freaked out parents.

      Okay, so that was my night. I really need a drink right now, but it's a bit late and a bit too late to call anybody to talk to. Okay, I seriously do not even want to think about tomorrow. There's not even anyone who stays at the hospital at night. So she could just fucking die after the vet leaves. I can't even deal with this right now. I'm fucking going to bed.
music.





      Has anyone ever watched a movie that rocked you right to the core? That was so disturbing that you had to look away at times. I don't mean scary or gory, but it made you uncomfortable, and actually bothered you. That movie for me is and always has been "the Talented Mr. Ripley," with Matt Damon, Jude Law, and Gwenyth Paltrow. I saw it in theatres when it came out in 1999. That would have made me twelve or thriteen. I remember it was rated PG, and I remember coming out of the movie theatre practically in tears and questioning the movie rating decision.

      It's violent, bloody, sexual... I don't know, maybe it only affects me for some reason. But damnit, Matt Damon is so fucking creepy in that movie. I'm pretty sure I've had nightmares about it. Anyones, point is. I'd seen the movie once in theatres, once when it came out on video. And yesterday, I saw it at Wal-Mart for eight bucks. This is seven years later. I remember it bothered me, but I couldn't remember why. So last night, I watched it by myself, and dear God, it probably bothered me more now than it did then. Just the web of lies he weaves, and he just gets deeper and deeper. It's horrible. I suppose it must kind of be a good movie if it can do that to someone. It is a good movie. Just, I can barely watch it, it makes me so uncomfortable.

      If you've seen it, leave me a message, if not, ask to borrow it! I want to know other's opinions on this one! In way more important news... you guessed it. CHRIS GETS HOME TOMORROW. I don't even know how I feel now. I think the excitement's all worn out. I just... AHH! Tasha out!





      Let me repeat that... Chris comes home soon. In two days! Tuesday night or Wednesday morning! I am SO excited! I've written him a letter and there's just so many things I want to tell him! I'm friggin' dying. I just seriously anticipate nothing more than jumping into his arms the moment I see him, and holding him until I HAVE to stop.

      In other news? Went to Seventy Below last night with Alyssa, Janelle, and Henry. Henry was fucking shit-faced. It was hilarious. Also, I set up a photo blog. The photos suck, but at least you can put names to faces and such. The address is: http://www.mophotoblog.blogspot.com Definatly check it out and leave a comment! Alyssa and I have been doing some shopping, very exciting! Alright, I have nothing much else to say, but FRIG! Chris comes home so damn soon, I am just so excited, I can't even contain myself!
music. american love - haste the day (chris and tasha's song)





      This will probably sound ridiculous to most people, but the craziest thing just happened. I came home from work early, in tears, over just some stuff that travelled down the grape-vine, and got back to me, and it was about me. So, I came home, planning to go to bed, come check my e-mail, and Janelle had sent me this. It's a corny forward, but it worked for me. Here's what it said:

"And, please note the exact time you read this.

This morning when the Lord opened a window to Heaven, he saw me, and he asked,

"My child, what is your greatest wish for today?" I responded: "Lord please; take care of the person who is reading this message, their family and their special friends. They deserve it and I love them very much."

The love of God is like the ocean, you can see its beginnings but not its end.
This message works on the day you receive it. To some it may sound dumb, but the person who sent this to me was impressed with its timing. Let us see if it is true.

ANGELS EXIST, but sometimes, since they don't all have wings we call them FRIENDS, SUCH AS YOU.

Pass this on. SOMETHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TODAY. SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING TO HEAR. THIS IS NOT A JOKE; SOMEONE WILL CALL YOU BY PHONE OR WILL
SPEAK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING THAT YOU WERE WAITING TO HEAR. DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN."

      One thing's for sure is that the person who sent it to me is my angel for today. This came with amazing timing for me, and not five minutes later I got a phone call from the person I needed to talk to, and he told me just what I needed to hear. Coincidence/God, I don't care. I don't care how ridiculous this sounds. I just needed to share. I sent it to a couple of my friends. So we'll hope it does something good for them.
music. chasing cars - snow patrol, if you're not the one - daniel beddingfield





      You know what's friggin' hard? Leaving Chris alone while he's away. I told myself I wasn't going to try to get ahold of him. So I texted him once, finally, after being in agony for several days, and he didn't get back to me. Which makes me freak out, which is why I shouldn't have done it in the first place. But Keith talks to Katie lots. But that's okay, I'm just going to try to no over-analyze it. I've been pretty good. Haven't phoned him or e-mailed him, but I want to just hear his voice sooo badly. I can't wait until he gets back. I'm pretty nervous.

      I finished up my shopping. Let's just say... that I'm sexy. And leave it at that. Nipples are a bit tender today. Fuck this, I miss Chris so damm fucking bad. Lastly, a question for my readers, if I have any. If you are totally, completely in love with someone, can you forgive them for anything if they are truly sorry? Where do you draw the line? Tasha out. Christopher. Write me one sentence! I've been good!





      Alright, two posts for one day, that's pretty impressive. So this morning, I totally did not want to get out of bed, but I eventually did and like hyperventilated all the way to Tranceformations. Roland was the only piercer on, so I got them done one at a time. Ahh! Um, yeah, for some reason, I have absolutely no problem taking off my shirt if I need to. It wasn't uncomfortable at all. I like my boobs! So Josh came with me, but I made him wait in the lobby. Roland like examined my nipples to see what gauge we should do. We decided on sixteens, like most other things I have.

      Apparently nipples have the highest rejection rate, so hopefully the don't reject. Anyways, so examining the nipples. And unlike Alyssa, my nipples don't get hard when I look at Roland, so he had to pinch them and flick them. It was quite funny when I realized what he was doing. Yeah, layed down the bench, pierced 'em. Really wasn't too bad. It's worse for guys I found out because they have smaller nipples and all the nerve endings are packed close together. I have lovely large nipples, so it really felt more like pressure. Not very painful. It was afterwards for like two hours, it felt like something was biting them very hard and it hurt, and I walked around holding my ta-ta's.

      In other news, I went to my doctor's appointment. I have SVT. (Super Ventricular Tacacardia) It's not totally uncommon he said, but what is fairly uncommon is peoople who are very sensitive to it. Most people have it, and don't even notice that their heart doesn't beat in time, but a few people notice it everytime, and it makes them figity and short of breath and uncomfortable. I am one of those people. He said a normal heart beats steadily, where as mine beats normally and then I get a very small heart beat and then the heart corrects itself by missing one heartbeat and making the next one huge. That's exaclty what it feels like. You stop breathing for a second cause your heart stops beating. He says it's not dangerous at all to my health, and there's not really anything anyone can do. He gave me a different inhaler, so that my asthma won't set it off. But other than that, I'm just stuck with being uncomfortable every now and again. He said the panicky ones were most likely due to stress, and I could prevent those by talking to people if I'm upset.

      So yeah, that solves that I guess. Saw the cutest pants at the mall today, but they're like a hundred bucks. Bad bad, don't buy them. I miss Chris so much. He's in Medicine Hat right now, according to Keith. He hasn't talked to me yet at all, and Alyssa says I should just leave him be until we wants to talk to me. Does that sound right? I want to talk to him sooo badly, I miss him, but blah, I'll just let him have his time to himself. Hopefully he knows that I'm not just ignoring him, because he tend to misunderstand each other like that on occasion. I can't wait for Tuesday. Oh yes, and Janelle, I've been into Shoe Warehouse like three times in the past week looking for you, but you're never there! Where are you? TASHA OUT!
music. crazy bitch - buckcherry





      Alright, let's recap. I really need to change this blog again because... I feel like it. Where did I leave off? Chris had just left. Alright. So I haven't confined myself to my room yet. In fact, I'm doing pretty well. Alyssa and I left on our secret adventure Monday afternoon. We went to P-Ville and looked at the Sandcastle competition and ate some ice-cream. We drove around trying to find someone who had keys to her parent's house, but no luck, so we decided to head down to Victoria because Alyssa wanted me to meet a boy she thought I'd like named Glenn.

      So we got into Victoria and couldn't find anybody, but we e-mailed Glenn my cell number, and he ended up calling us back, and so we hung out with him and Ben. We were trying to get directions, so I was talking to him on the phone while driving and I did seventy around a corner and rode up against the curb and we started screaming and yeah, it was pretty funny. I swear, all my car problems seem to happen at the same time. But we found him, and then we met up with Ben at Tim Horton's. We're sitting there about to get some coffee when Alyssa starts screaming, and we see that a guy has come in with a big snake wrapped around his backpack. Alyssa runs outside and is crying, and it was pretty funny. I just got my hot chocolate and jelly filled doughnut! We don't have those in Nanaimo anymore!

      So then we all went with Ben to the waterfront and walked around and went into some touristy shops which were open late, nothing really interesting happened, Glenn and I got along pretty well and talked lots about people we both knew and music and such. But he had to work in the morning, so we dropped him off and went back to my car, only to find out I had again, made a driver mistake... I locked the keys in my car! I had to call a tow truck (my first time!) and it was very exciting. He came and put this little air pump in the crack of my window and inflated it and pushed the door lock open with a hangar. It was fucked up. And it cost me forty-two bucks! Best money I ever spent.

      Alyssa and I went and stayed at Ben's house on the hide-a-bed. We stayed up late and watched Layer Cake, which was pretty cool, except Alyssa has this annoying habit of not watching movies and talking the entire time. So I got the just of what happened and there was some sexy stuff and some dying and some blood and it was a good movie. I want to watch it again. We went for a food run, and I had my third snickers of the day and some chips. I've been eating real healthy. Gonna get fat I reckon. Um, but yeah, so we went to bed finally and I decided I wanted to leave in the morning to make it back to my appointment with the heart specialist. So we left at eight thirty the next morning, which means we didn't get to see Glenn again.

      Back in Nanaimo, I find out my appointment isn't actually until tomorrow. Now we have to find something to do for the rest of the day. We decide that shopping will fill that time. We went to Woodgrove and looked at rings! I want one, there were some really nice ones. That's about the only jewellry I'll wear, and it would have to be for a reason. I found some sexy clothes, which are black, and that's all I can see because it may be a suprise. Next up, we decided to go wedding dress shopping. I guess Alyssa has the fever. We went to the Bride's closet and Alyssa tried on so many dresses and they were all so HEAVY and nice. We took lots of pictures, and I will post them somewhere later. We told the lady there that she was getting married next Spring.

      Alyssa wanted me to try on some dresses too, so we went to Friends of the Bride and I tried on one dress and it was a size ten and HUGE. So it looked funny on me, but oh do we have pictures. It would have been cute if it had fit. I also tried on the cutest black and polk-a-dot dress at Bryan's and I want it soooo badly for our formal night. It's lovely. But I don't have the money right now, I'm so stapped... with other plans. Sometime during the day, Alyssa lost her wallet, so we spent some time looking for it and eventually found it at a downtown juice shop. I bought some hair dye, so Alyssa is going to put some streaks in for me, and I'm growing my nails out this week and getting a french manicure. My, I'm becoming quite the little lady. Oh, plans plans plans. Sex kitten/bomb? It's in the making.

      Eventually we ran out of ideas, so we went to Domino's to say hey to the guys, but we were so tired that we slept in my car, outside of Domino's for a couple of hourse. It was comfy with all our blankets! Henry, Loren, Alyssa and I went to Beerfest at nine thirty, and it was pretty funny, but not as good as Super Troopers. Best line: "In the winter, we can freeze it and make ice blocks and slide down hills, and then in the summer, we can melt it and drink it!" Very funny. We went downtown because Alyssa is crazy and thought it was kareoke night, but it wasn't so her, me, Josh, and Loren went to my house and sat around, and then my and the guys played phase ten and they both beat me. Drunk. Bastards. Josh is making dumb comments behind me because he's drunk.

      And now it is almost five, and me and Josh are going to McDonalds to get some brekkie. Tomorrow, I have an apppointment at Tranceformations with a couple of piercing needles, and then I have the appointment with my heart specialist at two, then I work a close. Should be a blast. In other news, I got my credit limit raised. Probably not a good idea. But since when did I start having those. I miss Chris but I'm trying not to think about it too much. That's about it. You're probably bored of reading this by now. It wasn't very interesting, was it?
TASHA OUT!
music. crazy bitch - buckcherry





      Tonight Chris came by the store to say goodbye. He held me and kissed my forhead, and I cried. He told me not to cry, not a single tear, and he wiped it away. And I wiped my wet face on his shirt. He told me that he loves me. It's only a week, but the longest we've been apart is two days, and I missed him like crazy. I'm going to try to keep myself occupied, and pretty myself up for when he gets back. I'm hopeless when I'm in love. I just want him to figure this out, and come back, and tell me how much he missed me, and how he just wants to be with me. And then we'll give it another chance, and it will be wonderful.

      In other, not nearly as important news, I'm going to get my nips peirced hopefully this week. Or I might pussy out. I guess we'll see. Alyssa and I saw Darren and Damien at 70Below on Saturday. Damien said hi to us. ...I hit Josh's mom's truck with my door tonight when I dropped off Josh and left a BIG dent in the side. Josh said it should come back out pretty easily. I HOPE so. I feel terrible. Also, Alyssa and I are taking some "time off" and disappearing for a few days. That will be nice. I'm scared of how much I'm going to miss Chris. Christopher, I love you so much. TASHA OUT!
music. eminem?





      You say think before you speak. But when I do, I can't get the fucking words out. So I let go, and start talking, and you don't even fucking answer. I want to know do you love me. Yes. Did you use me. No. But your fucking actions speak louder than words, and your actions say otherwise. You say I'm the one you can't trust, but you're the one hiding things from me. I'm giving you everything I have, and you're giving me NOTHING. I gave you EVERYTHING the other night, only to be ignored the next day. I feel so used, and it hurts so bad because you say you love me. But you can't do that to someone you love. You don't try to go out and hurt the one you love. You can't watch the one you love hurting, and turn and look away. I'm afraid to say anything because I don't want you to go. I let myself be walked over for fear of you leaving me. You say you love me? Fucking prove it. Because I don't have anything to prove to you. I'm fucking lost here. It doesn't add up. And now you're angry with ME because I'm confused over your FUCKED UP actions. What did you expect? Me to say, ok, don't actually care about me, just use me for your own selfish needs. My needs? For you to love me. Nope. Nothing. If you love someone, fucking BE WITH THEM. No, you're not going to go screw around with anyone else, and you don't want me to, you tell me never to cover up this tattoo. WHY? The person on the tattoo says he loves me, but won't fucking be with me, won't let me fucking touch him. Am I a fucking trophy you'll be able to tell your friends about years from now. Yeah, this girl STILL has my name tattooed on her because I tell her I love her. I got that to prove to you how much I loved you, how I would do anything for you. And at that time, you were thinking about how you're WEREN'T over what happened, and you still fucking let me do it. It doesn't fucking add up. Don't you dare get fucking mad at ME right now, because you are treating me like complete shit, and fucking stringing me along. If you don't want me, fucking tell me. If you love and me, then just fucking be with me. You are fucking me up. Ok, I seriously can't do this. I feel like shit. How the fuck can you do this to someone you love. I just want fucking straight answers, because I don't care what I did in the past, I don't fucking deserve this now. If this is your fucking revenge, then grow up and realize that you obviously don't love me, and you need to put your energy into something other than trying to hurt me back, NOW, after everything. You fucking asshole. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU FUCKING DID TO ME. How could you? How could you fucking do that to me? I am so disgusted by what I am putting up with right now. This love is fucking bullshit. Stop stringing me along for your own selfish ego. If that's not what's going on, then you need to fucking show me, because you are going to lose me. If you even fucking care.