Alright, so I have to get ready for work in a couple of minutes. Here is a quick update. If the bloggy hasn't been getting much attention, it's because my other journal has. And that is the private one, which is probably emo and way to graphic for anyone else. Um, I want a job at Baker, but I still haven't dropped off my resume. Probably because I keep waking up like an hour before work or so. And I'm lazy.

      Last night, I had this crazy dream where I moved back to Sidney, but it was a lot different, and I had to do all these academic tests because I was moving, it was fucked up. So, I'm in the school office and who walks in but Karl Nordli. I don't know if anyone else I know, knows him, but suffice to say, I knew him when I was younger. Anyways, so we start flirting, and then we hung out all day. Somehow we ended up on a ship, getting hosed down to prevent "contamination." Seriously, I think I need to lay off the chocolate milk before bed. But now, I really want to talk to him and see what he's up to.

      That's about it. My parents are now officially gone for two weeks. Partay anyone? Chris leaves on Monday. I'm looking forward to it in a weird way. It'll just be a good thing I think. My poor Loren is sick with the beginnings of pneumonia, and I feel bad for him. He tried to come into work yesterday to help me. Silly. Work time. Maybe I will randomly run into Karl. It's happened before. But I'm pretty sure he was stoned, so we didn't get too far hahaha, TASHA OUT!
music. buttons - pussycat dolls





      Alright, so the past several days have been a roller coaster ride. Semi-literally. Every time I wrote in here was definately one of the really bad moments, so I will clear up that I haven't been like that for the past four or five days or however long it's been. I'll be fine for several hours, and then I'll start crying for several hours. I'll even be really happy for some periods. It's strange. I'm kinda all over the map I guess. Stayed in last night, despite having plans. Didn't feel like going out.

      Anyways, before I get onto what I did today, I have to explain something. So Chris dumped me, and we agreed (I didn't have much of a choice) that we were just going to be friends. (had to figure out something, cause we were gonna see each other at work all the time) Anyways, so we're still hanging out sometimes, even though it can be a little awkward at times. Ok, so today I got some McDonalds when I was picking up Alyssa, and brought it to Chris, who was sleeping. He got up eventually and we went for a nice little bikeride. It was fun! I want a bike now. Uh, then we got ice cream from Dairy Queen. Then he went to work. I picked up some things from Wal-Mart including my Five Star Flex, which I have been looking everywhere for. Haha, I am such a consumer whore.

      Annnd, Josh is coming over after work, and we're going back to Wal-Mart because I want to find a pair of sunglasses, because CHRIS lost the lens out of mine. Anyways, so Chris and I talked a bit today. These past few days we've been learning more about each other as friends I guess. I wrote him a note, explaining some things and about how I was feeling because I ALWAYS trip over my words when I'm trying to explain something that's bothering me. Annd, then I came home and washed my car, so now it is all pretty. Tasha out. Oh yes, chocolate milk seems to be making me gassy everytime I drink it. Just thought I'd letcha know.
music. accidents - alexisonfire





      I can't sleep, I can't eat. I feel sick all the time. I take one bite of food and can't eat anymore. I have no appetite. I want to be by myself. I want to sleep all the time. Jokes aren't funny. Being around you is hard. I can't do it. I have to pretend to be somebody else and I'm no good at it. I want to break down and cry but you say I can't because it makes things harder for you. I can't do this. I can't do it again, I couldn't do it the first time. It hurt so bad. God, I just want to hit things. And throw things, so I do, and I look psycho.

      Oh God I can't do this again. It feels the same, and I'm scared. I just want to sleep all the time because then I don't have to deal with it. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want stupid condolences and advice, I just wanted to be happy. I don't want to do this again. I don't know what to do. This feels like forever.





      Well, if I'm using the word correctly, it's kind of ironic that they day after I post my picture of my lovely tattoo showing the world my undying dedication to one man, I am now single. For the next week, you can find me eating my words from all the laughing I did when people asked what happens when we break up. Or I get dumped.

      But oh, don't worry. It might not be the permanent kind. It might only last a while. Or it might not. But it won't really matter to me, since I'll probably end up sitting around, being faithful to this tattoo and my non-existant boyfriend who I get to work with tomorrow.





      Alright, so I am sitting next to Christopher, who is telling me to update. So... I guess that's what I'm gonna do. Um, so at work, we have a new area supervisor and so I have to wear my uniform all the time, so it's almost like I have a real job again, but not really. Chris wanted to fire me the other day because I was being annoying. I'm pretty sure it'll happen sometime. Oh, I'm sorry, apparently I was "disrespecting" his "authoriton."

      So my nose is bleeding. As you may or may not be able to tell, I have not much to write about. I went to Phil's house last night. How weird is that? I met a nice girl named Marie and one of the girls who works at Tim Hortons. To them I am nameless. To them... I am the chocolate milk girl.

      Are you all wondering about the Chris situation? Sometimes I wonder about it too. I wish I could read his mind. We would appear to be okay now, but I could be wrong, and I would never know. He's biting my hair. And growling. He's going away for a week... leaving in a couple. He's going to Alberta. Basically on the trip that we were supposed to go on, but without me, and with Avenged Sevenfold. Not gonna lie, still pretty peeved about that.

      Uh, I got my Fight Club soap tattooed on my foot. It hurt like a bitch. I'm suprised that Erin still wants to get a tattoo after watching my facial expressions. Three days after that I got my flowers on my back colored in. One is pink and one is orange. I will ppost them on here if I remember. My car still isn't working, and Chris' car is getting fixed today so I might not be able to work, which is a shame. So, pictures, don't laugh at my fat. And I know the FC one looks bad, but it looks better now that the scab's come off.





      Not entirely sure where I'm going right now. I found out I can work for BCAS with my EMR or OFA3. Unfortunately, I'm an unliscenced EMR and for some dumb reason, I don't have my OFA3. So I might get that, get my class four, and get a job in Gold River or Tahsis. Or some other remote place where I won't be able to spend my money. Chris said that he would move wherever I move. I don't really think he'd want to move to Tahsis with me. Oh well, Josh said he would come! Fun.

      Went to 70Below last Saturday. Had a frickin' awesome time. Was definately "not all there." Met some people who can save me from driving to Victoria. Met someone else who can save me from driving to Victoria. "Yeah, so we've both changed, eh?" Yeah, really fun. Afterwards, a bunch of us went down to play on the P-Ville playground, but I was pretty tired by the time we got there, so we just looked at sand castles and then me and Chris left. I got like no sleep that night, and did not get much work done the next day.

      Anyways, I'm pretty sure that I don't feel like writing anymore. I'm going to drink my coke-a-cola now. Strange. Chris has a list of names on his desk. I am third after him and Mark, except my name is Trash. A mystery!
music. theSet - the philosophy of time travel





      This was a long time in the making, and I never even saw it coming. I thought we'd been doing really well for the past few months. But Dave was right when he told me, only he knows what he's thinking. I supposed it all sort of culminated yesterday. "I honestly don't think it's gonna work out." The words I'm not supposed to ever hear from you. "But what about the... why did you let me get it if you still felt that way?" "You knew the consequences of your actions when you did that." "...Yeah, I thought we were going to be together forever." Crying in front a computer monitor hurts the eyes, and you end up spelling a lot of words wrong. "See you at work, by the way, do you have some of my CD's?" Love you too.

      "So what, we're done then?" "I don't know." Not an answer. In fact, the last straw. I have been ignored and treated like crap for three days. Everytime I tried to ask you why, you said it was nothing, and no, it had nothing to do with me. But I'm not stupid. If I'm the only one you're being like that to, then yeah, I'd day the problem is between you and me. And it was. And it's something I can do absolutely nothing about. "Are you leaving?" I fingered you and walked away and you didn't say anything. You didn't seem to know why I left. My entire world is falling apart and the best you can give me is, "I don't know." I just need some answers.

      Feels like I'm hanging on by a thread here. There's nothing I can do to change it. You came over last night. Touch either complicates problems, or helps solve them. So far, it hasn't done anything to help, but I guess we'll find out today. I would do anything for you, things that I don't want to do, and I guess it sucks. It's like, If I want to keep you, then I have to suck up everytime I want to say no, or I'll lose you. I know that doesn't sound right, but I can't lose you. This feels different. This feels wrong.
music. hawthorne heights - if only you were lonely





      So... on Saturday, me, Chris, and Josh drove down to Victoria. Chris was driving, and when we started to get close to Sidney, he started getting really excited and freaked out, and was singing and screaming and being hyper, and it was kind of scary.

      Anyways, so we got there and filled out these hilarious waiver forms that basically said at one point, "we can't guarentee that you won't die." It was awesome. Chris and I laughed when we were filling them out, although, I'm pretty sure we were secretly a little bit creeped out. Chris went first. He got suited into this harness thing, and then they went out onto the tarmac, and practiced with the tandem instructor how to hold himself and such. "Like a banana!" Did that for a couple minutes, then he went up, and Josh and I went to the landing zone and waited. We didn't even see him get out of the plane, we just saw him once they opened the shute. Chris boffed the landing by putting out his foot. It rocked.

      Next up was me. We practiced on the tarmac for awhile, then we went up. We went SO high! 10,000 feet is... pretty friggin' high. It was insane. I wasn't nervous yet though. A few minutes before we had to jump, I had to sit on the tandem diver lap and get hooked up to him and put on goggles and this niftey little hat. Still not nervous. At the right time, they open the door, which I am sitting right next to. Okay, now I'm starting to get nervous. Things are starting to go quickly. The solo guy jumped out and that was cool to watch. Then the camera guy got out and hung onto the wing. Then we started to get out... I am basically sitting on the guys stomache. He is holding onto the door of the plane. I am hanging out into space, ten thousand feet about ground. Now I am rethinking this entire thing. Too bad he couldn't hear me if I tried to back out!

      The scariest part. You can only be scared of heights if you are aware of things around you. The split second as you leave the plane is the scariest. One moment you're grounded, the next you are falling weightless through nothing. After the first two seconds... you feel like you're flying! There's nothing around you stationary, and you're not scared anymore, it felt wonderful! I put my arms out and the camera guy got right in my face and said hi. Then the tandem guy waved goodbye to him, he backed out, and we pulled the ripcord and just shot straight up as our parachute caught air. The next five minutes were beautiful. We did some spinning which made me sick, though.

      The ground's coming up at you so fast, you don't pull hard on your parachute until the very last second to give you a softish landing. Something happened though and we ended up tumbling over each other! It was funny and no one was hurt. I found out later that the camera guy had told Josh and Chris that if they wanted a good shot, to stand on the landing strip and he would just dodge them, and whatever they do, DON'T MOVE! So they didn't and he got his foot caught in the long grass and ploughed right into them, throwing Josh about four feet. It looks good on my DVD! The camera guy apparently sat in the grass for about two minutes swearing, but that got cut out of my dvd! Too bad. I was so dizzy for the rest of the day and slept all the way back to Nanaimo. Would I do it again? Hell yes. That split second... is the most exhilerating thing I have ever felt.
music. crazy bitch - buck cherry





      So today was Chris' birthday. I slept over there last night, and Josh and Loren woke me up this morning and we gave Chris his presents, which consisted of alcohol, books, and you know -- some tickets to fall out of an airplane from ten thousand feet on Saturday morning. Should be fun. We went out to the Crow and Gate for lunch, but I didn't eat anything, mostly because I'm so poor that I can't afford to eat. I should probably stop driving too. After that, we went to Cyber City, and Josh and I played House of the Dead and killed zombies, and Chris and Loren played DDR.

      Loren had to work after that, but the three of us went down to Parksville and played mini-golf. Josh won, and afterwards we went and had ice-cream. When we got back, Chris and I went to dinner with his family, where he got a ticket to Germany for his trip, and an MP3 player from Mike. I had taco salad. I remembered why I don't particularly like Mexican food. Chris kissed me... on the lips... in front of his parents... twice. I thought I was going to die, but I suppose it's nice to actually have his parents know that... he likes me or something. Considering they always seem to be in the dark.

      After dinner was desert back at Chris' house, and then we all met up later at Domino's to go to the Globe. It turned out to only be me, Chris, and Josh, with some other people to come by after work. So the first stripper was horrible. She didn't know what was sexy, and kept doing handstands and repeating the same thing over and over like she had no idea what to do. However, the second stripper was... I don't even have the words. New paragraph.

      The second stripper was about fourty. I didn't think she was the stripper because one) she was so ugly, and two) because she was wearing what appeared to be a white Elvis costume. It was sparkley and so was her underwear. Now, normally, I have no problem with strippers. Most of them are talented (at what they do.) This woman was disgusting. I was getting sick watching her. She didn't know how to use a pole, so she just walked around, got naked very fast, and humped everything. Including Chris and Josh's face... full on she grabbed their hair, put their heads between her legs and humped for about twenty seconds. Before that, she rubbed her ass all over Chris' face. It was terrible. Later on, after some girl was finished licking her, she brought the girl on stage and stripped her. I seriously think this girl was either underage or had JUST turned nineteen. However, I didn't see much of this, because I had been so sickened by what she did to Josh and Chris, that I got up and left to go sit with Jorn.

      Josh had also left, which left Chris, seating in the meat seats all by himself, watching her finish molesting the other chick and fucking herself, etc. Which is why... I don't get it when Chris and Josh started going off about how gross they felt after. At least Josh got up and walked away after, and didn't stay for the fucking rest of the show. If you were that grossed out, you would have left to. I can no even begin to describe how violated I feel just from have having to watch that. And anyways, now I'm fucking pissed off about that.

      Chris sometimes wonders why I seem to pay more attention to Josh and want to take care of him. Well, here's why. When Josh sees that I'm upset, he asks me if I'm okay, instead of just ignoring me. When I wake up in the morning, it's because Josh is bringing me soup because I'm sick, or I had a bad night, or just because. When I say I need to see someone, it's Josh that drops everything to come talk to me. Josh is the one who walks away from fucked up situations that he's going to complain about later. And Josh is the one who tells me how he feels, instead of telling me... nothing. So, that's why I like Josh, and why I will probably be closer to him that most of my boyfriends or other friends.
music. best of matt good (since I missed the fucking concert)