1) We don't see each other all that often anymore, and I suppose we've grown apart. But everytime I see you, I remember what a special bond we have. You're an amazing friend and I'm glad I got to grow up alongside you. I wish you nothing but the best in whatever you do.

 2) You're like a brother to me. Always joking around and being the funny one. But I can tell how much you care about me. You worry about me when I'm on the wrong track. You ARE the brother I never had. And you're the best one I could ask for.

 3) I don't know how this works. We are completely different people. Sometimes I really think you hate me, it only supports that when you tell me that you do. And that really hurts, because I care about you and I want to be the cool, good example. But you're stuck up and it fucking pisses me off. You need to chill out. Have fun when you enter the real world. You know I'm here if you need me.

 4) It's weird how we could have not got along for so long. Now I tell you everything. You're pretty different from me, but you bring me out of my shell and show me things I didn't know about. It's not a bad thing, I'm glad it's you and not someone else. I really care about you, and I love being able to confide in you. I'm so proud of what you've accomplished.

 5) What happened between us happened for a reason. I DO love you a crazy amount. I don't know what's in store for us in the future, but I know that I've never wanted to take care of someone so badly before. Thank you for always caring about me and being there when I need that hug, even when I hurt you. I don't care what anyone else thinks, you are very very very special to me, and you'll always have a little piece of me.

 6) Things between us are getting scary now. I don't trust you anymore. It's like your turning into me, and trying to rebel or something. It's like you're throwing everything I've done back in my face. I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of game that you're playing. I can never tell what you're thinking, you never tell me anything anymore. It's ending just like every other time. I can't deal with it.

 7) I haven't known you all that long. First impressions can be deceiving. You're a nice person, but there's that 'something' about you that I just can't stand. You're just like a bunch of guys I dated in the past. I don't like competing for attention, so why don't you turn down the narcissism. It's not impressing me, but I'm always up for giving second chances.

 8) I suppose we're really only aqaintances, and we don't say much to each other, but the smile on your face and the hug you gave me brightened up my day. I just wanted you to know.

 9) We haven't spoken in a very long time. I'm okay now. I'm over it. It took a long time. I thought about you the other day, and I'm sad that we're not friends anymore. We shared a big part of growing up together, and I'd love if we could talk again. If you're reading this, just let me know how you're doing.

 10) You're crazy and it draws me to you! I feel like I've known you forever, it's the strangest sensation. I love how open we are. You make me laugh and are such a big goof, but whenever you see that I'm sad, you're there, holding your arms out and giving me a hug, rubbing my back, telling me I'll be okay. I feel so safe in your arms. I don't know how you can care so much about someone you don't really know, but you're wonderful.

 11) God, you look just like the one person I want to forget. It sucks. Everytime I look at you, I think of him. I'd like to hang out with you, but you're so quiet, I feel kinda awkward. You can be so reserved, but you have the same kind of humor as me. But still, things you say, things you do remind me of him, and it scares me so so much that maybe you're just like him.

 12) Thank God you have not bothered me in a while. There is no one I dislike more than you. Stay the hell away from me and stay out of my business. You don't know anything about life, and anything about me. You have no right to judge me, and it really just makes you look ridiculous. Nobody likes a hyprocrite, and sooner or later, your friends are gonna figure you out.

 13) You're a good friend, and very caring, but your dependency annoys me. I'm not trying to be condescending, but please, learn how to do things for yourself, have some pride in who you are. If something sucks, change it. You don't need anyone's help but your own. You're stronger than you think, and it's gonna be tough love until you understand that.

 14) I haven't seen you in years, but I try to follow whats going on with you whenever I can. It feels like whatever I say to you, no matter how vague, you know just what I mean. I'm so glad that you've decided to just be you, and let nothing get in the way of your happiness. I miss you so much, and I'm a little jealous too! If you ever need to talk to someone, I'm always here, and I always seem to understand you. I promise I'll visit soon!

 15) I worry about you. You make me smile, but you're having such a tough time it seems, lately. Just remember to trust your instincts. You deserve the best, kiddo. Find someone who treats you with respect, it doesn't have to mean they lavish you with gifts, you'll know when you've met your equal. Thanks for always thinking of me holding your rants back until after I've unloaded on you. You're a great listener.





      I drove around for a long while after work tonight listening to 'that' song. I feel lost and consfused. I feel like everything is falling apart, like things are going missing. I drove by you a few times, but you were with people, and besides, your interests lie elsewhere now. Or your priorities changed, and sometimes, people get scared when they fall from the top of things. I wanted someone to talk to and to just be able to cry and have them hold me. But there was nobody. Besides, it never feels the same. You don't understand. It's not okay. You're not the same. And worst of all, I don't think you care. You're too busy persuing this new you. I'm here, and I don't know where I'm going. Jealousy's a terrible thing. Goodbye smootchie wootchies. I think it's actually over.
music. american love - haste the day





      So today I was woken up by Alyssa, who had to tell me something, so we went out for coffee. And she told me and I thought I took it pretty well. She said he was drunk, but he really wasn't considering he was driving later that night. And the people that need to know the rest of the story, already do. Anyways, after that I had to go straight to work. About half an hour in, it really set it, and I freaked right out. I would be crying while I was driving, and I just felt like I was going to be sick. Then I started getting the shakes, and twitching, which I do when I'm freaking out about something. Then my heart started beating funny and fluttering, so Loren let me go, and Josh took me to the hospital.

      At the hospital, it got even worse. Everyone in the waiting room probably thought I was on drugs, cause I couldn't stop cracking all my knuckles, and my feet and neck were twitching, and I was wringing my hands. It was terrible. Then I would lose my breath and man, it feels like someone just punched you really hard when that happens. Finally I saw the Triage nurse. She told me that she was reccommending me to the Psych Ward, and then I started crying. I got my hospital band and then went in to talk to a councillor for a few minutes. He told me I should come in for some free counsilling, and I'm supposed to go in on Monday. He asked me if I kept a lot of things bottled up. And well -- anyone who knows me, knows I don't particularly like to deal with things when they're happening.

      Then I went and talked to another doctor, and I just started crying uncontrollably and he was asking about my home life, my boyfriend, school, work. My sleep issues came up. And he asked if my family has a history of thyroid problems, which we do, my Nana has it. He said that would explain a lot, and that I probably have some sort of anxiety related disorder. That's great. He asked me about drugs, and my meds. He gave me Adevin and it really calmed me down. He gave me another one for later too. Then I got some bloodwork done. They took about five vials and my arm was numb all night after that. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to make an appointment with my family doctor to get the results of my blood tests. Should be fun finding out I have some other serious illness. So thanks Dad for S.A.D's, thanks Mom for asthma, and thanks Nana for anxiety or panic disorder or whatever I happen to have.

      So now I'm officially crazy and have to talk to people about how I feel because I have a problem and I'm stressed out all the time, I just don't realize it, so my body freaks out to get my attention. So yeah, I'm in therapy because of this. Wish me luck, maybe I'll find out I had a REALLY fucked up life and I never even realized it. This is fucking driving me insane. FUCK YOU. I feel like shit right now, I'm so tired and I feel like jello, and I'm fucking starving. I'm going to bed, hopefully I won't wake up anytime soon. Although considering I apparently don't deal with my issues, maybe it won't matter.
music. covered in cowardice - billy talent II





      I really don't get you. I thought that I was the fucked up one, but everytime you pull this shit, it makes me wonder if you're the liar. I wanted to make this work, and I was getting closer and closer, but it's like you're changing your mind, and going further away from me. And it makes me cry everytime I have to ask you why you did the simplist of things. It doesn't look like much, but it means something and you know it. Maybe I read too much into things, but I really didn't think I was asking too much. Little one liners, one simple word, and I know it means something that I don't want to hear. You say nothing is wrong, but I'm not stupid and I know when you're lying to me. You tell me that maybe it's me there's something wrong with, and it hurts so much because I know you're lying to me. I know you're thinking about her. I suppose I deserve as much, but I warned you that I'm just not as much of a forgiving person as you are. Are you bored with me? Then quit playing this fucking charade and saying those words that seem to lose meaning with every time they're spoken. I'm turning into just another girl, another friend, and I am so so scared. Maybe I'm looking for attention elsewhere, because you stopped giving it to me. oh and smoking is absolutely disgusting. who the fuck are you trying to impress. wait. i can answer that question. fuck you. fuck everyone.





      Pretty sure I haven't posted for about a week, and this one is gonna be short cause I have to go to work in fifteen minutes. Had the last two days off. Went to camp on Sunday with Alyssa, Jordan, and Janelle. Did some tubing, which I screamed during the entire thing, bought an awesome hoody with angel wings on the back, some swimming... ate food, had fun. Ran into my dad. Hmm, then yeah, that's about it. Hung out at Domino's for a while.

      Yesterday, I brought Alyssa and Jordan to the river and we met up with Loren, Josh, Chris, etc. It was Loren's birthday. The water was sooo nice, pretty sure I want to be there right now. I got a nice little burn on my back, which is bothering me right now. Janelle and I bought a skip-it. I bought a 20Questions thing, which is awesome. Went out to the Foundry and 70Below, did some pole dancing. Went to McDonalds. Yeah it goes on and on. Interesting night. Pretty sure I'm not quite what Jordan thought I would be. Hahaha, that makes me laugh.

      Yeah, so work now. It's friggin' hot, so that'll be fun. Guess who Jordan's roomate is? JARRED ANNAKA! Yes. The one I had a crush on. It's weird the people you meet. Anyways. It's hot and I haven't eaten today. So, toodles. Ps. I want to move out. In case anyone cares.
music. do you kiss on the first date - danko jones





      I don't feel like writing. I don't remember anything exciting to write about. Um, ok, in no order whatsoever. A couple days ago at Domino's, Frazer took me, Janelle, and Josh fourbying and it was my first time! Anyways Frazer wanted to go out what I figured was this impossibly steep hill, so I cried and got out. Not real sad crying, more hyperventilating crying because I was so traumatized. So maybe I'm not as brave as I thought. I'm still up for some bungy jumping and skydiving this summer. Anyone else interested.

      That very night, Alyssa, Janelle, and I went out in an attempt to go to the Griz, but considering Alyssa is only eighteen, it didn't work out so well. So it got late and we dropped Janelle off, and went and danced at 70Below, which was packed and awesome. And some things, blah blah blah, not gonna talk about that on here. Got yelled at by Chris and Josh. They were quite scary, but I was having a grand old time... couldn't sleep though! Wooo! Yes, I wanna do that again.

      Mmmm, I bought these cute little polk-a-dot tops and a top with CHERRIES on it! Yes, cherries. I told Mike (Chris' brother) that I wanted to get a tattoo of him as a zombie on my ass, but it didn't fly. Chris, Josh, and I got walkie-talkie phones, so now I can 10-4 them whenever I want. It rocks. Everyone else should get them. Future Shop, they're like eighty bucks, and the plan is like thirty five a month for unlimited everything except minutes, and it's not under a contract, blah blah blah, yeah, everyone sign up.

      So it seems the Summer trip with Chris is going to happen anymore, cause we just don't have the time or money or whatever. But hey, we can do that whenever, as long as it's before I go back to school, and since I don't know when that will be... Uhh yeah, I got free membership at Pinnacle for a month, I got my contacts in finally, they are pretty. Gay Idol is next Wednesday, I look forward to it. I'm going out this Saturday to either the Griz or 70Below depending on who is working. Having underage friends makes things more exciting!

      Mmm, yeah, not feeling so hot today. Supposed to have gone to Vic at eight, but that's not happening, so I am sitting here, ignoring everyone, and comtemplating going back to bed, or maybe just going for a walk or something. I wish I had a bike, or a freeboard. That would be nice. I am probably so poor right now, I spend way too much money. Alright, I'm done. NO! I have a new cell number. 739-2716.
music. chasing cars - snow patrol