For the past two weeks I have been feeling really terrible. It feels like twice that long. It started out with some medication I started taking about two weeks ago. I was really nauseous and lightheaded, then after about three or four days, I started to get really irritable, and moved between being completely depressed, to not really feeling anything at all. It's really frustrating.

      This past week has been really horrible. I haven't wanted to get out of bed every single morning. I don't want to see anyone at all. When Chris leaves, I get really upset and start crying. Except... I'm not actually upset. I'm not anything. I just start crying and then I cry more because I'm frustrated because they're no reason why I feel so low. I've barely eaten anything in a week. When I do, I feel sick.

      Last night at Chris', I had a horrible panic attack. I just was so tired and my body was exhausted, so I got really frustrated and Chris went to bed and I just broke down on the floor and couldn't stop crying for an hour. It was so bad. I really just wanted to die. I can't stand feeling so bad, and not knowing why I do. I don't even have the motivation to do anything about it. I have so little motivation... I just sit and that's about it.

      I was supposed to hang out with Erin and Janelle a few days back, but I was lying in bed and my phone was ringing next to me and I couldn't even get up the energy to pick it up. I just lay in bed, awake for hours, not wanting to do anything at all. My phone has been ringing all week, and I mostly just ignore it because I don't want to see anyone.

      When I try to go to bed, my mind starts racing and I can't focus, and I can't fall asleep for hours. A million things run through my head in a few minutes and they're always bad. It's like every scenario ends in the worst case. I keep thinking Chris is mad at me and that he wants to break up with me and that makes me cry, but he doesn't and I know that.

      Two days I ago, I started to think maybe I had S.A.D, the same thing my dad has. It's like a type of depression called Seasonal Affective Disorder, I think. In the summer, people who have it are fine because there's so much sunlight and so their body produces enough of a certain chemical derived from Vitamin D. (Seratonin?) But in the Winter, there's less daylight, and much less sun, and the problem is your body actually don't produce enough if any seratonin by itself. I think seratonin regulates your mood, or supplements your body with endorphins, needed to keep your mood balanced. So you just feel like crap.

      Anyways, it's an actual disorder, you can look it up on the net. Symptoms are your mind races (mine does), you have depressing thoughts of crazy things (I do), you crave breads and pastas (I do), you have panic attacks, (I have), you cry and get upset for no reason (I do), you have no motivation and a lack of interest in everything. (Yep...) So... I guess I'm stuck with it. I can take medication, but I don't want to... it seems so wrong to mess with chemicals in your brain. Plus I've seen my dad on those meds... he's different. I can try light therapy and I can load myself up on Vitamin D. So I will try those first... when I get around to getting off my ass and doing something about this.

      My life is so slow right now. Nothing is going on for me, and it sucks. Not that I'm really making much of an effort. So to all the people I ditched, am ignoring, or whatever, sorry and well, you probably don't understand what's happening to me at all. I feel like I'm going crazy, but still sane enough to know something's wrong. It's not fun. And to think that it's all because my brain can't produce one damn chemical properly... I really want to feel normal again.
music. somewhere i belong - linkin park