For the past two weeks I have been feeling really terrible. It feels like twice that long. It started out with some medication I started taking about two weeks ago. I was really nauseous and lightheaded, then after about three or four days, I started to get really irritable, and moved between being completely depressed, to not really feeling anything at all. It's really frustrating.

      This past week has been really horrible. I haven't wanted to get out of bed every single morning. I don't want to see anyone at all. When Chris leaves, I get really upset and start crying. Except... I'm not actually upset. I'm not anything. I just start crying and then I cry more because I'm frustrated because they're no reason why I feel so low. I've barely eaten anything in a week. When I do, I feel sick.

      Last night at Chris', I had a horrible panic attack. I just was so tired and my body was exhausted, so I got really frustrated and Chris went to bed and I just broke down on the floor and couldn't stop crying for an hour. It was so bad. I really just wanted to die. I can't stand feeling so bad, and not knowing why I do. I don't even have the motivation to do anything about it. I have so little motivation... I just sit and that's about it.

      I was supposed to hang out with Erin and Janelle a few days back, but I was lying in bed and my phone was ringing next to me and I couldn't even get up the energy to pick it up. I just lay in bed, awake for hours, not wanting to do anything at all. My phone has been ringing all week, and I mostly just ignore it because I don't want to see anyone.

      When I try to go to bed, my mind starts racing and I can't focus, and I can't fall asleep for hours. A million things run through my head in a few minutes and they're always bad. It's like every scenario ends in the worst case. I keep thinking Chris is mad at me and that he wants to break up with me and that makes me cry, but he doesn't and I know that.

      Two days I ago, I started to think maybe I had S.A.D, the same thing my dad has. It's like a type of depression called Seasonal Affective Disorder, I think. In the summer, people who have it are fine because there's so much sunlight and so their body produces enough of a certain chemical derived from Vitamin D. (Seratonin?) But in the Winter, there's less daylight, and much less sun, and the problem is your body actually don't produce enough if any seratonin by itself. I think seratonin regulates your mood, or supplements your body with endorphins, needed to keep your mood balanced. So you just feel like crap.

      Anyways, it's an actual disorder, you can look it up on the net. Symptoms are your mind races (mine does), you have depressing thoughts of crazy things (I do), you crave breads and pastas (I do), you have panic attacks, (I have), you cry and get upset for no reason (I do), you have no motivation and a lack of interest in everything. (Yep...) So... I guess I'm stuck with it. I can take medication, but I don't want to... it seems so wrong to mess with chemicals in your brain. Plus I've seen my dad on those meds... he's different. I can try light therapy and I can load myself up on Vitamin D. So I will try those first... when I get around to getting off my ass and doing something about this.

      My life is so slow right now. Nothing is going on for me, and it sucks. Not that I'm really making much of an effort. So to all the people I ditched, am ignoring, or whatever, sorry and well, you probably don't understand what's happening to me at all. I feel like I'm going crazy, but still sane enough to know something's wrong. It's not fun. And to think that it's all because my brain can't produce one damn chemical properly... I really want to feel normal again.
music. somewhere i belong - linkin park





      Alyssa, Keith, and I have been hanging out lots. On Valentines Day, we hung out and went to Domino's until Chris got off school around ten. Then we went to Chris' house and watched Doom, which was okay. Then Chris kicked them out and we talked about some things and it was sad. Then I slept there, and made Chris late for school the next day. Oh right, and Chris came through my window on Valentines Day morning and brought me flowers. My first flowers ever. I was happy.

      Yesterday, Alyssa, Keith, and I watched the Exorcism of Emily Rose. It was disturbing and Josh and Chris scared me for the rest of the night when I went to Domino's. I went to Chris' house again cause I never see him unless he's at work or... we're falling asleep, but he wanted to sleep so I left. This morning, when I woke up, I felt so nausious, and I was throwing up, and this is my first time out of bed, and I'm still feeling really gross, so I think I'm going to go back to bed. I wish Chris would visit me or we could do something in the day, but he's too busy with school and work.

      My mom yelled at me today because she told me and Kayley to clean the living room and empty the dishwasher. I cleaned up everything that was mine out of the living room, and I asked Kayley to empty the dishwasher, which she didn't, and I got in trouble for. Then she yelled at me cause she told me to clean everything and I got really mad and told her she should clean up after herself. Like, it's gross stuff, like dried glue all over newspapers from her working around the house. I don't understand why I should have to clean that up. It makes me really mad. There's no food in the house and I'm really hungry but I have no money and my mom is still mad and she won't let me go get some dinner for the family or anything.

      Ok, and now I'm just working myself up, and maybe I'm PMSing... but no, that doesn't make any sense. But now I'm really upset and I think I'm going to be sick, and I want to see Chris, but I won't because he's always busy and I don't have the energy to stay up really late every night. I don't know what to do, so I'm just going to go back to bed or maybe fall asleep watching the cable we just got free for a month.
music. time to dance - panic! at the disco





      And what I mean to say is I'm going to say some negative things on something I spoke highly about the other day. It's not usually like that, so I don't want anyone to think that.

      Last night Chris, Keith, Alyssa, and I went to Pita Pit. There was a Jewish guy working there. It was funny. Mostly because Jewish comments had been made prior to finding out about this dude. Good times. Ahh, hanging out with Alyssa again is so excellent. Dearest, how I've missed you! Don't leave me again. Also, Chris played a show in Chemainus which I went to last night. AND I got my hair cut. Kayley got a nice little bob thing going, and I chopped mine all off, so I have a nice brown faux-hawk now. Everyone seems to like it except for Chris. Which is fine, it will grow back, and I don't mind it. It's funky.

      Today I finished my Valentines Day stuff so I'm all done. I went to Domino's to hang out with Chris and Keith. Talked to Josh and Lorne about upcoming "events." Chris again is self admittadly getting burnt out from doing too much, and is tired slash grumpy. Or moody... or easily angered. I don't know. Anyways. He's taking jokes Keith and I are making to heart. When I asked him what was wrong. He said he was annoyed that I'm not affectionate to him when Keith is around, and that he's tired of 'Keith being a part of this relationship.' Or something to that effect. Anyways, that really hurt, because I value my friendship with Keith A LOT. We understand each other and I just love him. And I know that it makes Keith uncomfortable when I'm really affectionate to Chris when he's around. Which I completely understand. I would be the same way. You just need someone to tell you because I guess I'm blinded by love or something.

      Chris was saying that I wouldn't even hold his hand when the three of us were at the mall and whatnot. I don't even think about it. Like, I think I would have noticed if I told him to not hold my hand, or if I moved my hand away or something, but I didn't. Didn't even cross my mind. I don't see why we can't just hang out as friends when we're with friends. I mean, I see Chris by myself more than I see him with other people, and we've got all that time by ourselves to be affectionate. I don't WANT to be affectionate 24/7, and I value my friends and I don't WANT to make the feel uncomfortable or like a third wheel. Keith happens to be the one we hang out with most, and the only person who has said something to me. Which I totally respect. I would rather have someone say something and feel better than hate hanging out with me because they don't want to say something.

      Chris' comeback to that was that the time we spend together is at work with him, or basically falling asleep at the end of the day. Well... that's not my fault. I'm not working or going to school right now, I've got all the time in the world for him. He's busy all the time, and he's getting burnt out because of it. So... maybe he needs to slow down. That would fix his problems I think. Anyways, we were arguing without yelling in the car, and I just stopped talking because I thought I was going to start yelling, and he said to go ahead and scream at him like he was trying to pick a fight with me or something, which almost made me cry because that's what Phil would do to me all the time. Tell me to yell at him, so that I was the one starting the fight and it would be my fault. Well, we got back to Domino's and he just ignored me... it was pretty obvious he didn't plan on talking to me anymore, so I left. Keith came out and asked what was wrong and I told him, and he listened and made me feel better because he's funny.

      Anyways, Keith and I are going down to Victoria on Monday to pick up Alyssa. That should be fun. I can't get the song 'Call and Answer,' by Barenaked Ladies out of my head. It is excellent. So THANK YOU Geoff for dedicating it to me hahaha. Anyways, I have church tomorrow, so I should get to bed. Night :)
music. call and answer - barenaked ladies





      I never throw anything away. I have about 900 e-mails dating back to like late 2004. I do not have enough room in my room for all my clothes. I have all my papers from school since grade eight. I am a pack-rat. Anyways, that was just a random thought for today. Although I did get rid of a certain shoebox, which most people know the history of. Why? Because I absolutely didn't need it anymore.

      Lately I feel like a different person. I have mostly new friends. I do not have anyone in my life who is destructive. (and that's a BIG change!) I have a wonderful boyfriend who I know I'm going to be spending the rest of my life with. We don't argue, we love each other, we are CRAZY about each other. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Everyday he teaches me how I can be a better friend and girlfriend and person in general. Because of him, I am more patient, gentle, forgiving, and loving. We talk about our lives, and everything that bothers us, we have no secrets from each other. He doesn't get mad at me, he just listens and asks questions and tries to know me better. He's modest and doesn't think he's all these wonderful things. He has no idea what an impact he's made on me. He lets me talk about things that bother me, old boyfriends, problems I have, and he never judges me. These are only some of the reasons why I love Christopher Hewitson.

      In other news. I'm still not getting any hours at Culture Craze. I applied at Extreme, a sports store, kind of like West 49. Should be getting called about an interview sometime next week. Going back to work will be nice. I'm getting kind of bored lately. Today my dad bought me a table and four chairs for when I move out. It's a nice dark finish and I am quite pleased. I saw a couch and loveseat for only nine hundred, so I shall be making some effort to save up for that. Ah, I am so getting ready to move out in September. Today, we are all (my remaining family) going to Victoria to get Kayley because she is moving home today. She's going to finish school at Wellington and then move back to Victoria at the end of the school year. In some more other news, three members of my very VERY extended family have died in the past two weeks. My dad went to Grand Prarie for ten days when my great aunt died, and now he's going again because my great uncle died ten days later. My mom's not too pleased with all the money we're spending on air-fare.

      Chris and I had our two months yesterday. How exciting! We would like to do some travelling this summer, but we don't really know where to. Mostly because I don't have a lot of summer because my school starts in August, and because I'm going to be very very poor. Valentines Day is soon and I'm probably torturing Chris with my descriptions of long days spent working on things for him. Hahaha, mmm.... that's all I have to say about that. I took Candace to get her nose pierced. That was fun. Then I went with Chris to get his lip pierced, so Darren gave me ten bucks off at Tranceformations, which shall go towards my next tattoo of love. Chris' mother hates his lip piercing, and I love it. OH! And Chris shaved all his lovely hair off. It's just... gone, and I am in mourning. It looks good/ok though. Not as good as the medium length hair, but I'll live. Seriously. It's like looking at a different person. Anyways, Victoria time.
music. all the time in the world - the februarys





      So I'm pretty bored right now. I woke up at eight-thirty this morning and couldnt fall asleep again. So I got up and you know... was on the computer since then doing absolutely nothing. Well, actually I read some news, and made a teeshirt online store. It sucks ass, but then again, that's to be expected since I suck as CSS. Anyways, so I was so bored that I called Chris at school and talked about how bored I was. Then he said he had to go, so I started screaming, "ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUCHRISNOOOOOOOO!" It was... funny except then I started crying. I think maybe I'm PMSing. Either that or I'm off my rocker. Tonight we're going to a show in Victoria. Chris' band is playing which always makes me happy.

      So I haven't had any sort of work in like two weeks. So I've been... really bored. Hanging out with Alyssa and the boys and yeah. On Monday we went snowboarding for Candace's birthday. That was interesting and I am sore since then because I was trying to go all out. Thank God for powder or I probably would have hurt myself. Mmm, on Friday, Alyssa and I went to Sooke to get her snowboard, and she made me drive the darkest, windiest, scariest road I have ever been on. Thank God I do not remember it's name or it would probably haunt my dreams.

      The day after I wrote my last post, Chris wrote a really emo post, so I went to see him and he apologized and now we are happy once again. He is lovely and wonderful and ahhh, future things of babies and whatnot. Anyways, ALYSSA, stop putting those ideas in my head. I ate lots of wagon wheels and pork and potatoes so that made me happy. Ummm, Keith and I are going to an information session for PCP tomorrow at nine o'clock in the morning. Pretty sure Keith just about had a heart attack when he heard that.

      Tuesday night, Chris' parents and I went to see some of his plays. They were sooo funny. Chris as a cross-dresser (and very creepy) and Chris as a crazy gameshow host who kills everyone in slow motion. Very funny. All I can say is "Edward! Paul! John! Come in here quick! I'm about to have an orgasm!" While I am trying to not look in Chris' parent's direction. Traumatizing. Last night, Alyssa, Keith, Adam, and I went to see some more, and Chris was doing this one where he's lost his pants. He was SUPPOSED to be wearing boxers, but instead he comes out wearing a little pair of my undies. It was horrifying. On the back, they say "NOT4U," wow, my boyfriend... is insane.

      So that was good. Afterwards we went and watched Mark Ennis play hockey and the guys all harassed the hockey players while I burried my head in my jacket. We talked about Adam and Keith's band, which I hope the name of which gets changed to... ADAM AND EVIL. I would be so happy. Then we went to MGM and I had breakfast and it was yummy. Then I almost ran out of gas on the drive home because I have no money. Now I am afraid to start my car. Right. Oh and Chris and I went to a party for one of his friends from work, and there was a couch on fire and... that was about the most exciting part. High school kids? Or fresh out of. Enough said. Um... smile like a doughnut?
music. chapter four - avenged sevenfold