I'm not sure if that comment was positive or not. Needless to say, after sleeping, I feel better, mostly because I tend to forget how bad I felt in the first place. I love sleeping. It makes everything from the day before a little further away, a little harder to hear. That's probably not always a good thing, but somedays it is. So before I go into a response, I'm going to give the rest of my news.

      I went to Culture Craze two days ago and got a hoodie made with a skeleton chest print on it and it's wicked and I said I wished I could work there and they said bring in my resume, so I did that yesterday, had an interview, and the manager, (who's only like two years older than me) said that she'd probably be calling me back, and was I cool with taking on a management position etc, it was pretty awesome. It's the one place I've seen where you must have piercings and tattoos to work there. It was the weirdest interview ever, no rules. She asked me how old I was, and if I was religious and whatnot. It was funny.

      Also, I got an e-mail back from the JI, saying that I don't have to go through liscensing to be able to take the PCP course next year, which is really really good. I also found out that as it stands now, I have my OFA3 and my CPR level 3. That's awesome, so I'm set to start volunteering at St. John Ambulance which is down by the SPCA. I'm just waiting for the guy to call me back. That should be cool. They pay for like you to refresh your skills, so I'll be good going back to school next September. I have allergies so badly right now. I've been sneezing since I woke up like twenty minutes ago. I know, I got up early today eh? I went to bed at one, so I got my almost twelve hours. I dunno what I'm gonna do today. Probably go down to TNM, and see what I'm working next week.

      And now for my response. Which I don't really feel like doing, because I don't like writing detailed info on really personal stuff. But hey, first time for everything... actually probably not the first, but you get the point. I push people away is the subject. In the past couple years, I have thought that I should probably tell guys that I wanted to date that it really wasn't a good idea to date me. Warn them against me. I didn't because I didn't want to sabatoge things from the beginning. I cheated on everyone I ever dated, lied to them, kept secrets, wanted other people, sometimes persued it, sometimes just kept it in my head. I picked fights, I saw everything they did as being worse than everything I did. I dated a few nice guys, and in those cases, EVERYTHING WAS COMPLETELY MY FAULT. Now, I don't feel comfortable naming these guys, but I'm sure you can figure out who I'm not talking about.

      I also dated several not very nice guys. I would push their buttons and they would do the same to me. We were both so very much alike that (yeah, I noticed I'm only talking about two people now, we'll generalize into one relationship) we basically started to destroy each other. I was told things about him that (as far as I know still) weren't true, and he was told things the same. Things were either perfect or horribly wrong. We hated each other and loved each other a lot. And if anyone's wondering why the hell we kept getting back together? Someone who picks fights, just to cause conflict (both of us) is addicted to conflict. Is addicted to this other person who doesn't sit down and take it, they fight back. It's very addicting, and very very bad for you. Everything else is boring after that, because when you're arguing and angry, everything is so sensational.

      The final straw apparently in that one was an incident I wrote about a while back. Which was BOTH our faults. It wasn't just that one thing. I think by that point, we were fighting about everything, and I know for me at least, it was me being sick of all the bullshit, and for him, it was probably the same, which resulted in some final showdown, and it hasn't really changed. Despite my efforts (and I'm not saying those were good ideas) to get my things back, nothing's really been resolved, but it can't be because some stuff is still... needing to be just exchanged and we can move on. Anyways, so that's that. Nice guys? Stay away from me, it's bad for your health. Bad boys, stay away from me, we'll kill each other. I didn't think about my actions. Everything was what I wanted in the moment, without thinking about the consequences.

      Then... remember when I said I was taking a break off of guys? The one that lasted a month? Well, I messed up during that a couple times, broke my rules to myself (no dating, no messing around) and I didn't think it did me any good. But it really did. I met someone that normally I would have messed around with, but he's such a cool guy and I have respect for him and we talked about my problems and he's cool, and he still wants to hang out with me, even if I won't go out with him, and like, I haven't crossed any lines, overstepped my boundries. It's like one of the first times I had a chance with someone, thought about it, and said no, because that was the better answer. So in that sense, things are great.

      This is getting long. Oh well, I'm not done yet. Nowhere close. When I talk about the people I keep losing at the moment. It's guys. Two of them it seems. Two people who were there when I lost... everything else, which I will get to later, and who I thought were the greatest. They both wanted to hang out all the time, and I thought it was great. One of them wanted to date me, and asked me out a bunch of times, and I always said no, cause I was in my break from guys thing. He stopped talking to me one day, stopped calling out of the blue or wanting to do anything, so I started going by his work, bugging him to do something, and he wouldn't tell me what he was so busy with. I found out through Candace eventually that he had a girlfriend, and was trying to keep me from knowing. The one time we did hang out after that, he eventually told me that we basically couldn't be friends cause I was 'clinging' onto him. I'm not sure what he expected considering the last time we hung out, all his attention was on me, and for me, nothing had changed. He expected everything to be different without him having to say anything to me. Well, it's definately different now. We aren't speaking really.

      The other guy just wanted to fool around, but again, I didn't want to break my rules, and I'm not into fooling around with people in the first place. So after repeated attempts from the person, things just kinda cooled off, and we don't really talk anymore. So there's two cases of me not wanting to mess around or date people and them deciding that we weren't really friends in the first place. Sorry if this is starting to get incoherent. It's long. Um, so when I said everyone was leaving me, it was based on those two people, who had friends (quite a few) that I was also friends with, who subsequently, I didn't get to see anymore. Sure, I still have a number of friends. Unfortunately, most of them don't live around here and that makes it kind of hard to hang out.

      So to sum up this section of me 'pushing people away.' In the past, I ruined relationships and messed around and did stupid things with guys that resulted in yeah, me pushing a lot of great people away, and I'm sorry for that. Now, I'm not pushing people away, I'm finding that they don't really want my friendship at all. So because I cleaned up my act, I lost people that I cared about a lot. It's sad, but that's what's happened recently.

      Now, at this time perhaps you're wondering... what about Tasha's female friends. Yeah, I had those. Well more like I had one, and she had a bunch, and we all hung out together. One of those was Phil's ex-girlfriend. So you can see how that could cause some trouble already. I really like Phil's ex. (Still not gonna name names cause it's only fair) She's cool, but you know, there were times when I had to choose between the two, and I had to choose Phil, cause we were dating, and well, that's pretty obvious, I didn't know her well, didn't know what to believe, and yeah, so obviously there's going to be tension and trouble, especially when you find out they still love each other. That was difficult. I understand it was difficult for them as well, as well, I'm still confused since I don't know what happened there but I hope everyone is ok. So in that case, that's someone I didn't/still don't know well.

      There's the girlfriend of a guy I was best friends with in highschool. Unfortunately we drifted apart when he started dating. We're not really friends, we just are more like aquaintances I would say. So that just goes along with whatever happens with the one person I was really friends with. I wish I could have been good friends with all of them, but nobody was ever all friends at the same time! Such is the way of women I guess! (That's meant to be funny cause it's so true, and you know it!)

      Anyways, my best friend, was in a really hard place, and I think I only just realized that. I owe her an apology. I'm sorry Janelle. You knew Phil apart from me for a long time, and I never realized how much you must have hated taking sides. Especially when we got into EXPOLOSIVE arguments. I always thought that you were playing both sides and not being loyal to me, but really you were just trying to be loyal to both of us. And I understand that that meant telling us each the things that you weren't supposed to because that's what a best friend does right? You comforted me when I was upset over things that happened to Phil, especially cause those times you only heard my half of the story. And when Phil came to you at the end of it all, you sympathized with him, cause you only got his half of the story. So I'm really sorry for putting you in that position. I didn't understand or couldn't comprehend that you were friends with Phil, just like you were with me. I always assumed that we were better friends, that, well I think you get the point.

      Janelle was in just the same place I was in when Phil started accusing me of things near the end. He was saying that he'd been told all these horrible things about me that were either a) untrue to the best of my knowledge or memory, or b) things that he was NOT supposed to know, because they were things I said in confidence to people I trusted. So then, there I have my alligience to Phil on one hand, and my alligience to Janelle on the other. I sided with Phil, just like Janelle sided with me so many times before, and when it all fell apart, Janelle sided with Phil, and I think it's just all fucked up beyond belief, and Phil and I really can't be together ever because we are so fucked up. And I shouldn't be dating anybody because I am/was/still mostly am so fucked up.

      So to end this off with Tasha 'pushes people away,' the the female friend's catagory. I put someone in a bad position, and then I was in a bad position, and now everything is messed up. I made someone choose between two friends, which I never should have done, then the person I cared about made me choose between him and my best friend, and ultimately I made the wrong choice because I was addicted to the wrong thing. I lost all my 'friends,' when in reality I lost one excellent friend who was in a bad place, and all her friends, who were more like my aquaintances, except for a certain sister who I liked a lot, but was in basically the same place as I put Janelle. So to both of you, mostly to Janelle, I'm really really sorry. I honestly didn't realize quite what happened until I was writing this. At first I was gonna come on here and defend myself and blah blah blah, but the long and short of it is, we or I put you in a bad place, then he put me in a bad place, I made the wrong choice, because you NEVER EVER choose a guy you like over a friend. Learned that one the hard way. So I'm sorry, Janelle, I hope you can accept my apology. And to all my stunned readers, that has been my life since I got back from school like three months ago.
musis. fix you - coldplay