Today has been a very very bad day for me. And it's only just past seven. It's really ebaressing crying in front of people I barely know. And often. At work yesterday I was cleaning out a room, and I started crying, then I had to go on my break with the two captains of the team and I started crying so hard in front of them. They were being really nice at least. Today I went to Shoppers to get a few bucks from my mom, and when she asked me what I wanted, I started crying again. And now I just can't stop. Driving home, or just doing anything. I feel like shit. I seriously just feel like my life is just not worth anything. I feel like complete garbage and I wonder why people do the things they do.

      I was thinking about that kid from Dover who committed suicide. So many people say it's selfish because look how much pain you leave other people in. Well, aren't THEY being selfish? To actually kill yourself you must be in a massive amount of pain. Like, I understand why someone would do it. It's like you just hurt so much, that you want to sleep and not have all these thoughts going through your head anymore, you just want to stop feeling, but then you realize that if you sleep, you have to wake up and think about it again and face the same things over and over. So if you just die then the pain is over forever. These are the people who just don't see things getting any better. I don't want to die, so I guess I realize that things will eventually get better. I'd rather be like in a coma for a while or something. But since I don't know how to go about that, I'll just run, listen to music, work, and sleep a lot.

      I thought I made a lot of progress. But today I see that I really have not. I thought about doing some things today which would have been very very bad ideas for my future. And then I wanted something which makes me sick to my stomach because... I don't want to talk about that one. Work told me to go home early and I don't know why. Hopefully it's just cause we weren't busy today. I got home, sat down, and here I have sat basically since then. And that seems to be what my life consists of. I never set out to have any of this happen. I'm going to go for a run because my dad is home and I don't want him to see me crying because I don't know what he would do. I am confused. And I am not. But I continuously amaze myself with my stupidity and how much I can convince myself of something that isn't true. I feel like I'm going to throw up.

note: today marks the first anniversary of this blog and i still have no idea who reads it, except that there are a lot...
music. asthenia - blink 182