First off, let me apologise to everyone for not being around, available, whatever. No, I haven't been busy. I'd like to say I have, but in truth, I've been avoiding you all. Sorry especially to Janelle who's phone calls I never returned and who I ignored when she called. I still don't feel like talking to anyone, but I found out a lot more people read this than I think do, so after a month of silence, I thought I should say something. What I'm going to say is going to be the same thing I've been saying for a year and a half. Lots of people haven't really taken me seriously about it and have chalked it up to being a teenager. This time, please listen and know that at eighteen, I'm not as old as you Karina, but I do understand a lot of things that, granted, I didn't when I was younger.

      Phil, I'm sorry for lying to you about this, but I just couldn't stand to see how hurt you'd be when you found out I was lying the entire time. Over a year and a half later, I'm still in love with Nathan, and now it hurts more than ever. Over the past month or so, I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. I have been in love with the same person for over two and a half years... and for more than half of that, we haven't been together, sometimes he wasn't even speaking to me. We got together again after nearly a year apart last November, only to have me screw it up because I met someone new who lived near me. Gah, I don't even know what to say. I never doubted that Nathan would be the one I ended up with. Even now, I don't doubt it, but I'm hurting because now he has a new girlfriend and he says he doesn't really know me. Am I just being stupid and not letting go? I've tried, I have honestly tried so many times to get over him and it never works. I have ruined several relationships because the person I am with finds out I still love someone else. I can't be with anyone because I love him so much.

      He told his mom in November that he thought God was telling him that I was the one he was supposed to marry and here I am, still thinking the same thing. Does a year and a half mean anything? When we were together, I used to try to plan my life around him so that we could be together, but we had everyone telling us it wouldn't work. Then he breaks up with me. Now, I've got my life a little more figured out. I've chosen my career, only to find out I'll have to go to school on the mainland. Around the same time, the dreams started. Lots of dreams about him and my future. Do I sound crazy or does this sound like something is happening, like something's been set in motion? Because I know I can overanalyse things way too much, so someone help me out. I am dead set on him. Please don't just throw this away and actually have some faith in me for once.

      I started calling him, and he was never home and never returned my phone calls. I wrote him a letter telling him what was going on. The next week I called him, only to find out all this stuff about him, and that he doesn't think we're ever gonna work. Did I mess up permanently when I broke up with him? Cause I have been a complete emotional mess since he broke up with me a year and a half ago. I put on a good front, but I have been screwed up. I thought many things over and it's come down to this. 1) I am in love with the idea of first love and its innocense, and because I associate this with Nathan, I belive I am in love with Nathan. But then why after seeing him many times and seeing how we've both changed, why am I still in love with him? Why did I push him away only to still be in love with him.

      Ahh, I was doing so well for the first couple months of this year, I didn't think about him until my life started to... get started. As soon as I'm on track, ready to get going, there he is again. I have given myself one option with two possible outcomes. I wait. I stop messing around with my emotions, being with someone else, while I still love him. I wait, get on with my life, do my school, work, hang out with friends. I'll either get over him eventually, or he'll find some way back into my life. I get the feeling it's going to be the latter one. A lot of people think I am too young to know what I'm talking about. They say that I am immature and it's just a crush. Yet if they feel the same emotions, they are genuine because they know themselves. I know myself. For a long time I didn't. Now I do. Now I have never been more sure of anything in my life and future than him.

      So here I am, one in the morning now, with another letter addressed to him sitting in front of me, simply explaining the only option I have. I have grown up a lot in the past year and a half, not only due to him, in fact, he may only be a small part. Just 16...17... 18, nineteen soon, and I see a lot of change in the way I look at things. The only thing that hasn't changed is my love for this one person. I understand that all I can do is wait now. But it's so hard. So being upset about this has kind of killed my social life at the moment. After I talked to him on the phone, I went for a walk for three hours. I got about thirty seconds away from Candace's house when I turned around and walked away because I didn't want to hear, "Don't worry, you'll get over him." Why is it that if Candace (or whoever) thinks they are going to be with someone, everyone believes them, but when I say I am so sure about Nathan, no one belives me? Is it because of him? Is it because the past between us has been so much more difficult?

      I dunno. Hopefully you guys have some confidence that I know more about myself than you know about me. When I say I'm sure about something, I am sure. And if you don't believe me... well, I'm not giving up, just you watch what happens. Thanks for listening.
music. way away. yellowcard