Two things. One. Today is prom. Today is exactly one year since I went to prom. Time flies, doesn't it? One year since all that. And look how far we've come.

      The other thing I forgot to tell you about. Phil wanted to wax his chest, so we did just that. I put some wax on his chest and he started screaming, and then he ripped it off and screamed even more, and his chest was bleeding. It was great. Well, Phil decided he didn't want to wax anymore. So we decided to nair. However, it stunk and burned off one of his nipples. In the end, the nair only half worked, so Phil had this chest of like dead-ish hair in sparse amounts. Oh, and one waxed spot. So he decided to finish off by shaving, so now he has an awesome five o-clock shadow, a bald spot, and a burnt nipple.

      Oh yes, and my MSN has gone crazy cause of multiple downloads, now all my blocked people aren't blocked... actually there shouldn't be too many... and blah blah blah. Vat zee hell!?
music. the jetset life is gonna kill you. my chemical romance





      So then, the last couple days have been pretty freakin' sweet. I've had four days off though, so I don't know what happened the first day. Today is the last day and I'm just slackin' off. Maybe I'll go to the lake or something. Let me begin with Sunday. I was supposed to go to church but I got really sick in the wee hours of the morning and just fell asleep around nine and failed to get up. Apparently Phil went to church and asked Janelle and Andrea where I was... but nobody knew! The mystery thickens! Anyways it was soon solved when Andrea and Janelle showed up at my house, waking me up, and telling me to come over later.

      So, I called Phil to explain, but he had gone out with Andrew, so I got dressed and headed over to Janelle's where Janelle, her mom, and I sat around and complained about her oma, or Janelle's mom's mother in law who is a total bitch! We've decided that on mother's day, I am going to drive to Ladysmith and throw dog poo at her front door. Mwahahaha, but the stories were quite funny, so laughs were had by all. Janelle and I went to Woodgrove for a bit, and I bought some shorts and a chocolate chip muffin which was burned. Damn you MmmmMuffins! Back at Janelle's house, we had hamburgers, watched "Yes Dear" and something else, and then headed over to Full Circle, after I called Alex and Phil and told them to come to Swylana at nine. We didn't really expect either of them actually would.

      Anywho, so Full Circle was alright. Jordon wasn't there and I don't know where he is. Some random person came up to me and said they loved my hair, it was rockin'. Janelle bought some DVD's of the FC all nighter and then we were on our way to pick up Crysta and go to Swylana to see if anyone was there... and they were! Alex and Chelsea, as well as Phil were already there! We played on the playground for a while, then Crysta and I rolled down the hill and did summersaults (sp?!!) and ran in circles until we fell over. It was definatly amusing. Phil hit Crysta with a shoe and a good time was had by all. Alex and Chelsea left, and then the rest of us soon after. We went to MTM to see if Meagan would give us ice cream, but they were closed, so we went to Boston Pizza and drove around in circles cause everyone was freaking cause there were three cop cars and I had too many people in my car, but then I'm sure we looked even more suspicious driving around in circles for three minutes. Mhm.

      So we eventually went in, had wings, garlic bread, and rolo ice cream which was good, I even got some of much fought-over... stuff. I don't even know what the hell it was, I just ate it. All in all, people seemed to be getting along which was a huge relief cause I had an awesome time. From there, everyone was driven home and I went to bed. Next day...

      Monday! Hung out with Phil after he got off school, then I called Janelle to see if they wanted to go to the lake, they got back to me and we went down to Parksville and went mini-golfing and bumper boating instead. Everyone cheated at mini-golf (with my help as I was keeping score) and by some chance, I won, and Andrea didn't lose! She got like... third or something! It was quite amazing and jolly good fun. Damn clock hole! Damn! Damn! So yea, that was awesome. I tried out my swing and actually hit the ball smack into the clock tower because for one, it was pissing me off, and two, Phil told me to.

      Then it was off to the bumper boats. Now, by this time, it was getting chilly outside and by the end, after everyone had ganged up on my several times, (there were five of us) we were all soaking wet. Unfortunately, I was the only one who didn't have anything to change into cause I didn't think you'd get that wet off of bumper boats! So I was wearing soaked shorts and Crysta's little white zip up "shirt" haha, which I was trying to do up over my bra when all these old people walked by. It was horrible in an awesome kind of way. Then we went to McDonalds and ate lots of cookies. Andrea... ate LOTS of cookies. She scarfed them down! Mwahaha, it was a sight. Off to the beach. By this time I had lost one of my contacts and couldn't see very well. It was bad. At the beach we played on the playground, and I got really sick on the swings and almost threw up cause Phil wouldn't stop and I couldn't see! So I sat down, still soaking wet, for a while until we left, after Andrea scouted out the boys. ...I think one of them had a cat on a leash?!

      I let Phil drive back to Nanaimo cause I figured with my missing contact and raging headache, I'd probably kill us. Back safe and sound, we went to Roger's to see if Team America was out yet, which it wasn't. That was unfortunate. We also somehow lost my wallet in the car. Back at my house, my headache was like HAHAHA, you are at my mercy, so Andrea drove everyone home. I read some of my book, "I know this much is true," by Wally Lamb, and then Candace came over after work to bring me Anchorman, and take me for a ride in her new car. It's pretty friggin' cool. Power everything, sun roof, nice system. I finally figured out how to get CD's out for her, so we listened to Marilyn Manson and cruised around with the occasionaly jerky stop/start. You're doing good, Candace! Anyways, my hands are tired and I have to pee in case you wanted to know. My arms hurt from doing like five pushups TWO DAYS AGO, and my tummy from situps... about the same. Oh man, I am pathetic. It's hot and I'm in my pajamas. I'm also hungry. I'm going to go rememdy all this.





      Today after an extremely productive shift at work, I went driving and ended up in Qualicum. It was a beautiful day, so I got to drive around in a skirt and tee-shirt. I was almost deaf afterwards from listening to Senses Fail, Billy Talent, AFI, and My Chemical Romance on volume twenty-five. I couldn't do much else as I have no one to go rollerblading with and my bike is toast since Philly's accident haha. One of these days we should all go up to Parksville and play on the playground. Course, when I say all, I dunno who I mean, my friends are all kind of divided.

      Watched some more X-Files today, found out that my NewWest course is not on "for sure." Oh man, I really hope it doesn't get cancelled, I wanna get on with this! Still attempting to clean my room. Still moving my furniture around. Did I say I got a new bed? I got a new bed! It's not squeaky! (Don't think like Candace, you pervs!) It's awesome though. Candace got a new car, so I am jealous. Oh well, my car is on the way. When I get my taxes back, I'll have over a thousand saved! That may not seem like much to you guys, but for me, who can barely hold on to cash, that's amazing. It will be the most money I've ever had at one time! I'm so proud of myself!

      Might be going to Van with Pappy sometime this weekend to check out JIBC and where I'll be living (hopefully). Agh, I got my hair cut again, and it's sooo much shorter than it was last time. It's horrible and truly difficult to pin back. It's a boy cut. Sexay! I'm headed to bed/clean my room/the litterbox.





      Yesterday I went to Stock Exchangers to see Janelle, and ended up buying season one of the X-Files! I have been watching it since then pretty much non-stop (except for sleeping and working of course) It's been excellent. I love the X-Files. I would also love Fox Mulder if he was a real person. So instead, I love David Duchovney from like twelve years ago. He's kind of old now.

      I just found out the person I'm supposed to be staying with when I go to NewWest is going to be going away for a while when I'm there, so she's trying to find me somewhere else to stay. That's gay. I thought it was all worked out. Oh well, I think God's doing some serious life directing, a lot of things happening all of the sudden, kinda thing. So whatever happens, it's his will, and it's gonna work out to his plan, which is pretty freakin' sweet!

      Work tonight was pretty freakin' awesome. Four to twelve, with mom and Michelle. I didn't even take a second break. I just stocked food for seven and a half hours! I got so much down, I damn well better get a smack-on-the-back for this one! I emptied like four shelves. (If you've seen the back room, that is like, friggin' amazing!) Yea man, so that was cool. I just got home to see that one of my favourite books when I was a kid is at my house! My dad ordered it and didn't tell me. It's called the Big Orange Splot. It's about this guy who gets an orange splot on his roof and makes his house look all cool, and all his neighbours freak out cause the houses aren't all the same anymore, but then they all make their houses look freakin' sweet.

      Riiight. Candace is on the computer talking to me saying that she is at my front door. Candace. You, my friend, are insane. Very very insane. Ummm, I think that's about it for today. I'm not very tired, and it's very warm outside. I have tomorrow off (or today if you want to be technical) so I'm gonna go do something outside cause it's so hot and sooo nice. Mmmm, I love the sun. I should go to bed, but I'm probably gonna watch some X-Files instead. Ghost in the Machine is my next episode! KILLER!!
music. something by my chemical romance...





      About a year ago at work, Erin M, one of the merchandisers who is probably abouy thirty, told me that the reason I didn't have any "brownie points" with the bosses is cause it seemed like I didn't enjoy work and I didn't want to be there. Well, last night we were working together and she said that I seem a lot happier than I was back then and that it looks like I've done a complete turn-a-round.

      It made me so happy to hear that. I feel like I'm more comfortable in my skin now. Like I've realized that my happiness doesn't have to be hinged on one person or an event. Now that I've seperated those things, I'm extremely happy with my life and where it's going, but I also miss certain people. It makes me sad to think about them, but I no longer let it control my life. I don't think it means I'm getting over them, it just means my love for them is maturing.





      Heyyyyyy, so today was awesome. I worked twelve to four and told Sandra about how Tanya wasn't pulling her weight at all in osp and she actually said she would do something about it! Holy crap! Anyways, so that was pretty excellent. After work, I went to the mall and picked up Amanda a gift certificate for Smart Set which I haven't given to her yet cause I completely forgot it was a joint birthday party for her and Michelle and I forgot to get Michelle something. So I'll give them thier presents later.

      So yes at the mall, I also happened to pick up an awesome orange shirt and some sweet blue jean capris! Woohoo! They are quite excellent. Righteo, so then I came home and chilled out for a bit, looked up some stuff on labret piercings... either early May or early June. We'll see how it goes. Does anyone know if you can get a retainer as soon as you get it pierced or do you HAVE to get a steel post first? Just wondering, oh, and how long until I can change it, cause I'll probably have to wear the retainer to work and stuff. So if anyone knows...

      Then, I went to Acme foods for Amanda and Michelle's awesome party. Dave and some other people from work were there to, so I had lots of people to talk to! It's was great! LanAhn bought me a strawberry fields martini which was yummy! The waiter kept giving me looks though... probably cause I was the only one who didn't order alcohol... suspicious! So he brought me some water! The night was quite eventful with talking about the store and people that used to work there, as well as planning my nineteenth birthday bash! I can't wait! It's going to be so awesome. Well... so my co-workers are all perverts! Ya! Amanda and Michelle wanted me to "go see the strippers" with them, but I passed.

      Oh, and wouldn't you know it. My first drinking and driving roadcheck... like the only night I actually consume alcohol, so I was a little worried for a sec, but it had been like two hours and it was cool. I was eating a doughnut when I went through, so maybe that had something to do with it? Hahaha, just kidding. Waiting for Phil to call me to let me know if he's coming to church tomorrow morning. Then I want to go to Black and Blue and get some more info on my piercing! Excitement! Today has been good. It makes me feel great when I go out and do something I wouldn't normally do! Night kiddos.
music. silver and cold - afi





      First off, let me apologise to everyone for not being around, available, whatever. No, I haven't been busy. I'd like to say I have, but in truth, I've been avoiding you all. Sorry especially to Janelle who's phone calls I never returned and who I ignored when she called. I still don't feel like talking to anyone, but I found out a lot more people read this than I think do, so after a month of silence, I thought I should say something. What I'm going to say is going to be the same thing I've been saying for a year and a half. Lots of people haven't really taken me seriously about it and have chalked it up to being a teenager. This time, please listen and know that at eighteen, I'm not as old as you Karina, but I do understand a lot of things that, granted, I didn't when I was younger.

      Phil, I'm sorry for lying to you about this, but I just couldn't stand to see how hurt you'd be when you found out I was lying the entire time. Over a year and a half later, I'm still in love with Nathan, and now it hurts more than ever. Over the past month or so, I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. I have been in love with the same person for over two and a half years... and for more than half of that, we haven't been together, sometimes he wasn't even speaking to me. We got together again after nearly a year apart last November, only to have me screw it up because I met someone new who lived near me. Gah, I don't even know what to say. I never doubted that Nathan would be the one I ended up with. Even now, I don't doubt it, but I'm hurting because now he has a new girlfriend and he says he doesn't really know me. Am I just being stupid and not letting go? I've tried, I have honestly tried so many times to get over him and it never works. I have ruined several relationships because the person I am with finds out I still love someone else. I can't be with anyone because I love him so much.

      He told his mom in November that he thought God was telling him that I was the one he was supposed to marry and here I am, still thinking the same thing. Does a year and a half mean anything? When we were together, I used to try to plan my life around him so that we could be together, but we had everyone telling us it wouldn't work. Then he breaks up with me. Now, I've got my life a little more figured out. I've chosen my career, only to find out I'll have to go to school on the mainland. Around the same time, the dreams started. Lots of dreams about him and my future. Do I sound crazy or does this sound like something is happening, like something's been set in motion? Because I know I can overanalyse things way too much, so someone help me out. I am dead set on him. Please don't just throw this away and actually have some faith in me for once.

      I started calling him, and he was never home and never returned my phone calls. I wrote him a letter telling him what was going on. The next week I called him, only to find out all this stuff about him, and that he doesn't think we're ever gonna work. Did I mess up permanently when I broke up with him? Cause I have been a complete emotional mess since he broke up with me a year and a half ago. I put on a good front, but I have been screwed up. I thought many things over and it's come down to this. 1) I am in love with the idea of first love and its innocense, and because I associate this with Nathan, I belive I am in love with Nathan. But then why after seeing him many times and seeing how we've both changed, why am I still in love with him? Why did I push him away only to still be in love with him.

      Ahh, I was doing so well for the first couple months of this year, I didn't think about him until my life started to... get started. As soon as I'm on track, ready to get going, there he is again. I have given myself one option with two possible outcomes. I wait. I stop messing around with my emotions, being with someone else, while I still love him. I wait, get on with my life, do my school, work, hang out with friends. I'll either get over him eventually, or he'll find some way back into my life. I get the feeling it's going to be the latter one. A lot of people think I am too young to know what I'm talking about. They say that I am immature and it's just a crush. Yet if they feel the same emotions, they are genuine because they know themselves. I know myself. For a long time I didn't. Now I do. Now I have never been more sure of anything in my life and future than him.

      So here I am, one in the morning now, with another letter addressed to him sitting in front of me, simply explaining the only option I have. I have grown up a lot in the past year and a half, not only due to him, in fact, he may only be a small part. Just 16...17... 18, nineteen soon, and I see a lot of change in the way I look at things. The only thing that hasn't changed is my love for this one person. I understand that all I can do is wait now. But it's so hard. So being upset about this has kind of killed my social life at the moment. After I talked to him on the phone, I went for a walk for three hours. I got about thirty seconds away from Candace's house when I turned around and walked away because I didn't want to hear, "Don't worry, you'll get over him." Why is it that if Candace (or whoever) thinks they are going to be with someone, everyone believes them, but when I say I am so sure about Nathan, no one belives me? Is it because of him? Is it because the past between us has been so much more difficult?

      I dunno. Hopefully you guys have some confidence that I know more about myself than you know about me. When I say I'm sure about something, I am sure. And if you don't believe me... well, I'm not giving up, just you watch what happens. Thanks for listening.
music. way away. yellowcard