Figured I should write while I'm actually in the mood. Even if it is coming up on one am. Watched the Notebook a couple days ago. Amazing what movies can do to you. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about if you've seen the movie. Besides that, it was still a good movie. Really good. Went to the mall and made Phil buy skates. They're brown and awesome. Ran into some people, who didn't seem very pleased to see me or something. Some conflict. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

      I really wanted to go to Megan's reception, but I can't because the wedding is in Duncan and Phil is coming to the wedding, but he's not allowed to come to the reception because of conflict with Janelle according to Megan. That really sucks and is really lame and I wish people (all people) would just grow the fuck up. I'm seriously so fucking angry, it's not cool. Stupid fucking immature behaviour from both sides, or so I understand. Whatever. So anyways, I can't go to the reception, as much as I would like to, because I'm driving Phil down there and I can't just leave him in Duncan after the wedding. So, that's that.

      My grandparents decided to pay all of my tuition fees for school in May, which is pretty cool. I sent in my registration today. If I don't get accepted to Parksville, then I'll try for Victoria. That'd be sweet. Get away from the bs for a while. I don't even know where I stand or what I want anymore. I'm just so sick of being the third person in these fucking friendships. The one who has to choose between friends or EVERYONE gets mad at me. Fuck. But yea... I'm gonna go to Vic in a few weeks and see Joel and some other people, hang out with my grandparents. Do normal things that I used to do, before I met new people.

      Yea. Phil says I don't need friends. Well, no I suppose I don't. But it really sucks when they don't seem to want to be friends with you. I feel like I'm being ignored by the people I cared most about. Seems all so and so wants to do is hang out with someone else. Ok, whatever, I have nothing to hide, and I don't think I'm hurting anyone. Janelle and Andrea just hang out together. Crysta with them I guessing. Alex and Chelsea. Drew and his girlfriend. Geoff and his girlfriend. Candace and Mike. I don't see Dan anymore. Joel's in Vic and doesn't seem to be too interested in talking to me. Nathan's always busy when I call. And all Phil ever wants to do IS hang out with me. But I don't want to see him all the time. I don't want to be another person that no one ever sees because I'm attatched at the hip to someone else. Unless it's Alex. I could deal with that. I miss school for this reason. I could go and I had friends. Now I feel like I don't have any. I don't know what I want out of the current relationship I'm in. I'm always having conflicting thoughts about it. But then I think, well, I don't seem to have much else going on for me.

      And now... frick. In tears cause I feel like I'm losing everything I had to live for. I can't go back to being that person that goes to work, comes home, and does nothing... or just hangs out with one person for an entire year. I don't want to be that person again. It just seems that suddenly no one cares about me because of an issue they have with someone else I suppose. I'm not attached to that person. We are different people. God, I just feel so alone in my head right now. Erin's party is on Friday, so I guess I'll get to see the old gang again... then I'll go home and get a reality check. Things won't go back to the way they were... ever. I don't know what I want. I make myself sick sometimes. I am so insignifigant. With so many people, what does it really matter what comes of your life? I have done nothing good with my life. But I doubt anyone would notice if I did anyways. I feel as though I am watching my life go by without me.
collide - skillet