I just woke up for this morning, and it already sucks. I was supposed to go to church with Phil today and see Janelle there because she was going with Andrea. If they asked why I didn't come, I was contemplating telling them that my alarm didn't go off and I didn't hear the phone ringing off the hook next to me. But that's not the reason. I woke up this morning to my alarm clock, feeling completely depressed that I had to go to church with someone my best friend can't stand, knowing there will be some kind of conflict, and I, as usual, will be in the middle. I swear to God, this always happens to me. Grade three, with Jessica and Kristal, grade six with Bailey and Lindsay, and now, out of highschool, yet again, with Janelle and Phil. Why do I always come along just in time to be the third party. Maybe it's me that messes up friendships.

      Anyways, so if anyone asks, I guess that'll be my answer. I haven't seen Janelle in so long. No one's really called me to do anything, and I don't really want to invite myself. She seems to be having a good time with her friends though, for the most part. I miss Alex. The only "real" time I got to spend with him was when him, me, and Janelle went shopping for Chelsea. Of course, I knew I had to watch what I said, so... whatever. I went out with my dad after work yesterday and bought some new running shoes. Then me, Dad, and Mom went to Montana's last night for dinner, which was good. We talked about me moving to the mainland, and how that would work, where would I live, costs, and whatnot. I just feel so depressed, I want to get out of here now, and start all over. I mean, there's people I don't want to leave, but I'm just sick of it all right now.

      Anyways, I went for a run last night. To Phil's, where Jarred was. I didn't leave for half an hour after I said I would, so they came looking for me, which was sweet, but kind of annoying after Phil started yelling at me to get in the car. I didn't, if you're wondering. But, I threw up on the way there, and walked most of the way back with Phil... even though I told him I wanted to go by myself. I'm pretty tired now. I drove Phil back home and just told him that I was upset over this him and Janelle thing. I don't want to take sides, cause I wasn't there, and that wouldn't be fair, cause I don't even really know what happened. I worry myself with thinking that Phil has just become another habit to me, the way Dan was. It's not something I particularly enjoy thinking about, so I haven't put a lot of thought into it. It's just that he's the only person I really see anymore, and I don't like it at all. Yea, Janelle, if you're reading this. I didn't set out to spend all my time with Phil. You're just out with your friends sometimes, and then I don't even think about it after a while. Maybe he has become my habit. I don't know. I like him, but some of the things he does really annoy me.

      I had serious deja vu yesterday. I was running by myself in the dark, listening to music. And some past feelings just washed over me. I dunno what to do about them. I'm so confused about my life. At least, I have a plan for my career now. Other than that, I really don't know what I want. I can't even bring myself to go to church, because suddenly, something that was seemingly only mine, when I was in school, is now everyones. And that's great that my friends are going, but at the same time, it brings the conflict, and two parts of my life together that I never really wanted to mix in the first place. I'm not trying to be selfish, I'm just scared.
music. fine again - seether