Well today was, as I thought, a complete waste of time. I went to Shoppers to buy some chocolate, then I went with my dad to Woodgrove, and he bought me a sweet yellow shirt from Garage. Then I saw some pants I want. Woohoo! That was, I guess, the highlight of my day. It got worse after that.

      Janelle and I talked on MSN, and I went out to hang out with her, at which point, I found out that Phil slept with his ex-girlfriend on his birthday, the day after he said he loved me. I went to his house, stood on his bed, and asked him when he told me he loved me. He said the day before his birthday. Then I asked him what he did for his birthday. He said he stayed at home. First mistake, fucker. Here's Janelle's entry for that day. http://alookintothislife.blogspot.com/2005/01/90s-pop-music-best-2-investment-ive.html So, I think you would remember what you did on your birthday. Sound reasonable? I think so. So I asked him for my stuff back, and he wouldn't give it to me. Then I called Janelle and had her repeat what she told me. Then I was going to call Andrea, but she was at work. I tried to leave, and had to push past Phil on the stairs, and fight him to get out the door, screaming at him as I got into my car and drove off. That was the last I saw or spoke to him.

      Went back to Janelle's in tears. Her mom brought down cokes and kleenex's. A good bitching session was had by all. Then Janelle and I went to Full Circle. She called Andrew to tell him to come. He was; however, with Phil, who started yelling at Janelle and then hung up on her. So Full Circle was good. Then Janelle, Andrea, Caley, and I went to Tim Hortons and talked about Phil, and I basically told them EVERYTHING that had happened between me and Phil. Then Andrea told me everything and it was good. Then we all (including Crysta) went to Andrea's and went hottubbing for a while, and another bitch session. I think it's mostly out of my system now. I have the feeling that Andrea and I will be getting along very well from now on. There's only one thing that I will miss about Phil hahahaha.

      On another sad note, I found out today that an old friend of mine, from church, Kristy, was in a car accident yesterday and may not survive the night. She has a crushed lung, and if she does survive, she'll probably be a quadrolplegic. I might be going to Vancouver to see her with my old youthgroup. She was always really happy and on fire for God. Sometimes I don't understand why this kind of thing happens to people like that. So, it's been a pretty bad day. I hope for a miracle, and that she makes a full recovery.





      I just woke up for this morning, and it already sucks. I was supposed to go to church with Phil today and see Janelle there because she was going with Andrea. If they asked why I didn't come, I was contemplating telling them that my alarm didn't go off and I didn't hear the phone ringing off the hook next to me. But that's not the reason. I woke up this morning to my alarm clock, feeling completely depressed that I had to go to church with someone my best friend can't stand, knowing there will be some kind of conflict, and I, as usual, will be in the middle. I swear to God, this always happens to me. Grade three, with Jessica and Kristal, grade six with Bailey and Lindsay, and now, out of highschool, yet again, with Janelle and Phil. Why do I always come along just in time to be the third party. Maybe it's me that messes up friendships.

      Anyways, so if anyone asks, I guess that'll be my answer. I haven't seen Janelle in so long. No one's really called me to do anything, and I don't really want to invite myself. She seems to be having a good time with her friends though, for the most part. I miss Alex. The only "real" time I got to spend with him was when him, me, and Janelle went shopping for Chelsea. Of course, I knew I had to watch what I said, so... whatever. I went out with my dad after work yesterday and bought some new running shoes. Then me, Dad, and Mom went to Montana's last night for dinner, which was good. We talked about me moving to the mainland, and how that would work, where would I live, costs, and whatnot. I just feel so depressed, I want to get out of here now, and start all over. I mean, there's people I don't want to leave, but I'm just sick of it all right now.

      Anyways, I went for a run last night. To Phil's, where Jarred was. I didn't leave for half an hour after I said I would, so they came looking for me, which was sweet, but kind of annoying after Phil started yelling at me to get in the car. I didn't, if you're wondering. But, I threw up on the way there, and walked most of the way back with Phil... even though I told him I wanted to go by myself. I'm pretty tired now. I drove Phil back home and just told him that I was upset over this him and Janelle thing. I don't want to take sides, cause I wasn't there, and that wouldn't be fair, cause I don't even really know what happened. I worry myself with thinking that Phil has just become another habit to me, the way Dan was. It's not something I particularly enjoy thinking about, so I haven't put a lot of thought into it. It's just that he's the only person I really see anymore, and I don't like it at all. Yea, Janelle, if you're reading this. I didn't set out to spend all my time with Phil. You're just out with your friends sometimes, and then I don't even think about it after a while. Maybe he has become my habit. I don't know. I like him, but some of the things he does really annoy me.

      I had serious deja vu yesterday. I was running by myself in the dark, listening to music. And some past feelings just washed over me. I dunno what to do about them. I'm so confused about my life. At least, I have a plan for my career now. Other than that, I really don't know what I want. I can't even bring myself to go to church, because suddenly, something that was seemingly only mine, when I was in school, is now everyones. And that's great that my friends are going, but at the same time, it brings the conflict, and two parts of my life together that I never really wanted to mix in the first place. I'm not trying to be selfish, I'm just scared.
music. fine again - seether





      Well, Janelle, here's your update mrs. miserable! Just kidding. I'd be pissed if someone took my laundry out just to do theirs. Fucking everyone thinks they're more important than you. (That was a general statement, not just pertaining to you) Anyways, shall we start with today? Today, I am still sick, and will basically say, I have been sick with better and worse days for over a month now. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment and I will probably be getting some blood work done to see if I'm aenemic?? or something. Or maybe I just have spelling issues.

      So I sit here, reminiscing of today's events; work, playing video games, phil getting hit by a car... So work was lame. No, just kidding. I'll tell you about Phil's accident. We went to pick up my bike from Dan's, but we couldn't fit it into my car, so Phil decided to ride my bike back to my house. Anyways, he was on Bowen, near the Subway and this car stops to let him cross by the strip mall, and then drives right into him, knocking him to the ground, unconcious. Just kidding. He's cut up and bruised, but other than that, he's fine. I was gonna say he died, but you probably wouldn't have believed me. So he was yelling at the driver... the entire time, I am in Subway, completely unaware. I could have looked out the window and seen him hahaha. But yea, so he got the driver's info and some witnesses and stuff. Then we went to Brickyard and got a doctor to document all his injuries. That took like two hours. Then we chilled and I eventually went to work.

      Other than that, there were no major happenings. Hung out with Dan couple of days ago. We went for a walk at Swylana and had sausage rolls. Worked. Stayed in cause I was sick. Sick sick sick. Went out to play at Swylana with Alex, Chelsea, Janelle, Crysta, and Phil, but it was too cold for them, so we went to Timmy's instead. Were going to watch the Notebook, but it was too late. Phil and I watched Fight Club and Jay and Silent Bob strike back. I like to watch movies when I'm sick? Hargle moofle I don't know what else to say. I'm sitting here eating Mr. Noodles. When I'm done, I will probably go read my new Cosmo. I will run to my doctor's appointment tomorrow because I want to start running again on a regular basis. Blah blah blah. I'm really tired. Any questions? Didn't think so. Hopefully I can hang out some more when I start feeling better. These days I just don't feel like doing anything unless people bring the party to my couch.

      Speaking of partys... I went to Alyssa's birthday party last weekend and got a little... um "not all there." To the point where I kissed Alyssa like three times (for entertainment purposes! There was a camera!) So that was greeeeaat... Uhh, yes Phil basically had to look after me. What do I remember? Kissing Alyssa, cigars, lots of Mikes... people I knew, Ryan hahaha, Alex and I talking about when we liked each other! That was hilarious considering his fiance was on the other couch. Ummm sleeping over at Phil's... (apparently, cause that's where I woke up with a killer hangover) Good times! Aww Phil took care of me when I was a crazy drunk! How sweet! Off to bed.
music. blvd of broken dreams - green day





      Today has been rather... eventful! This morning I woke up nice and early to go to church with Phil and Alyssa at the meeting place. It is a very cool church. They just started a three week sermon on love, lust, and loneliness. Next week is lust, and I am quite looking forward to it. The music is awesome, the pastor is awesome, the atmosphere is great. It's in a movie theatre, so we get to watch movie clips that relate to the message, and lots of the passages are out of the Message bible and really easy to understand, and the band play secular songs that relate to the sermon. Ooog it's so excellent. I can't wait to go next Sunday.

      After that Phil and I went to see Janelle at work and bring her lunch because Phil wanted to get a sub for under his bed... anyways... we were holding hands coming out of church and we ran into Andrea and Caley which was interesting cause we were trying to keep (whatever we are) under wraps so as to not hurt anyone. Right, so we told Janelle that too, so she doesn't hear it from someone else and get the wrong idea. Then Phil bought "Freddy Got Fingered" which promises to be completely retarded. Anyways so we were cleaning Phil's room all day and I found some letters from someone and there was some stuff in there that I didn't know that reallllly got to me. Like. A lot. Phil doesn't seem to get why. But yea, people who should know the story do, and that's all I'm gonna say.

      Ummm, so basically I went home almost in tears. Well... no crying until I pulled out of the driveway at least. I went home, crawled into bed and ignored any and all phonecalls for the next half hour. Then I called Nathan and we had a really good talk for about an hour. We just talked about what we were each doing and I told him about maybe moving to New West in a couple years. We talked about "us" and what happened and got some of it straightened out. So it was really good. He said he'd call me sometime soon, and if he didn't I'll call him back.

      After that, Frazer and I went out for ice cream at Dairy Queen in my pajamas and then over to Full Circle to say hi to Janelle and such. I saw Megan and she's getting big! The wedding is a month yesterday and I'm so excited for her! Then Frazer randomly picked me up and touched my bum and then I bit Steve's nipple... Yes. Anyways, after FC, I ended up going to Janelle's for a bit where I watched the Grammy's with her mom and Crysta. It was excellent. I talked to the kitties! Phil called twice, but I didn't really want to talk to him. Just kinda wanted to... not be around him. God... that just made me feel like crap. So Crysta kept him at bay. I left around eleven, only to get home to... Phil calling me. Janelle said she would call him to tell him to leave me alone for a while before she went to bed.

      So basically that was my day. Interesting eh? Ahh, I don't get boys. I don't think I'm meant to be in any sort of a relationship. They never seem to work out for me. Valentines day tomorrow... I think I'm going to sleep in until work and then... go see Janelle or something. See if she wants to celebrate anti-valentines day with me. Either that or I'll just go home and sleep some more. Sleeping is good.
music. night drive - jimmy eat world





      Woohoo! Guess what... I found a career that I'm interested in! I want to be a paramedic! I just signed up for the information session in Parksville on the eighteenth! Then, while I'm there, I'm going to talk to someone about this other program to be an EMR, which is "emergency medical responder." That program runs all May and covers all the prequisites that I need for the PCP program. (Primary care paramedic) So I can take the EMR course right away, but to sign up for the PCP course, the one thing I won't have will be a class 4 liscense, so I'll have to wait a year and a half to sign up for that, but that's ok cause I'll have lots of time to get things in order.

      The EMR course is in Parksville. The PCP course, I can take in Victoria, Parksville, or New West, I think I'd prefer to go to New West, but we'll see where things go between now and then. Then I could move to the mainland! That'd be sweet! But yea, so I need my class four, and I would also need to start weight training and such cause there's a physical assessment where you need to be able to do several things that I'd probably have a bit of trouble doing. Especially the 1.6 mile run. I might die at the moment trying to do that, so I'll have to start running again. But once I do the EMR program, I can work for a private ambulance service! Wouldn't that be so cool!? That's definately a lot more than nine bucks an hour. But yea, if I decide to do the PCP course in New West, I'd have a year and a half to get everything together that I need to move out! It would be excellent! Courses are offered part time and full time, so... pretty much this is excellent. If all goes well with the information session, I should be signed up for the EMR course very soon. I have to get a textbook and blah blah blah. Then I'm gonna head over to the closest ambulance dispatcher (which is right down the road) and see if I can go on a few ride alongs. That's my news. I'm out to go show my dad that sweet bed I saw.
music. pieces - sum41





      Heyyy how's it going...? And that is how I would say hi to someone I have been avoiding for awhile. Damn journal and my lack of updates. I've just been too lazy really. So here I am, sitting at my desk, drinking a cooler at ten forty-five in the morning. This is what my life has been reduced to. Just kidding. This is a little out of the ordinary. I had to drop my mom off at work so I could have the car, then I went shopping for food. This food I speak of included an apple pie, six litres of chocolate milk, three coolers, and a calandar... with stickers! Well, I'm going to throw a lot of whatever I can remember at you.

      Well, I hung out with Alyssa yesterday. She's living with a room mate in a nice downstairs near Maranatha church. We went out for dinner at Subway and we drove around, went to Value Village, the mall, hung out at her place, listened to Britney Spears hahaha, and looked at her pictures from Jamaica. She and Tim are going to the Meeting Place, and she really likes it... and since she's the same way I am, I thought I would go with them on Sunday. And when I mentioned this to Phil, he said he'd like to go too. So now I'm going to be trying out church again. I hope it works out. If it's interesting, it's the place for me. It's kinda cool that Phil is coming with me. He's been talking about reading the bible with me and stuff, which is pretty sweet. I guess we'll see where that goes, cause we've just been talking about it so far.

      Janelle's a youth leader at Younglife now. That's pretty cool. I hope she can learn more about the Bible and such and we can have some sweet conversations. Definately enjoy those conversations that aren't about assing once in a while. I do have a serious side people. Come now. I'm actually very intellectual. Hahaha, sometimes. When I'm not being a complete nerd. Which isn't often. In other news. I was thinking of doing the LPN course to be an assistant nurse. I wanted to work in emergency or something like that, but when I talked to Scheryl, she said that really the only jobs open right now for LPN's were in old folks homes. And we all know how well I get along with older people. So that idea took a nice dive out the window.

      New idea: Paramedic. I've barely looked into it yet, but I was talking to Alyssa about it and come on! Emergency situations. First person on the scene. Driving/riding in an ambulance. First aid courses. Blood! Guts! Mayhem! What's there not to love? Anyways, so I shall be looking into that. There's even an ambulance depo just down the road from me. And if you work nights, you basically just stay home and do whatever and respond to calls, and it's like $100 a call! Or if you work in the day, you work in the office and respond to calls. Pretty sweet. I'd have like a pager, and I'd respond to calls like a superhero! It would be freaking sweet! So that's the new plan that I shall be looking into.

      I bought my ps2. It was... a lot more money than I anticipated... and I even bought it used! But yea, that's just cause I forgot that I needed a memory card and the game was more expensive than I thought, and then there was like... forty dollars in taxes! Phil got his final fantasy game, which has resulted in him putting gas in my car many many times. Hm, he and Janelle still aren't really on speaking terms which really sucks. A lot. Argh. I went to an "all-nighter" with Janelle and Andrea and for a while -- Crysta. Then Crysta and Janelle got in an argument and Crysta left. Then Andrew came over and there was much goofing off. We watched fifty first dates, (so excellent) and Troy... which is where I fell asleep. Janelle fell asleep too I think. Anyways, there was much assing, doughnuts, and sending dirty pictures to Andrew's phone that night. It was awesome.

      Other than that. I was sick for like four days. Like pretty much confined-to-bed-sick. It was gross. I had the most horrible sore throat and I wanted to die. I can hear a beeping right now and it always scares me that there might be a bomb in my house and that I'm going to die. Also, whenever a plane flys really close, I get worried that it's crashing into my house. Crazy eh? Sooo... oh right, my tire was low on air, so Kayley and I put some more in, then overnight it went completely flat, so Phil put my spare on. Then that went completely flat overnight. So I had to get my tire patched and that was a royal pain-in-the-ass. Even though I got it done for free at Kal-Tire! Woohoo! I like free. Free is good. I'm eating cheese nips right now. They're just so damn addicting.

      Mmm, Phil and I were at the mall the other day or week or something and we ran into Janelle and Andrea who were on a treasure hunt for young life. So Phil was their hockey player and we met them at McDonalds where Phil proceeded to get very uncomfortable cause everyone was kinda ignoring him. Chelsea and Alex were there. I don't get Alex. He's being really weird. Like he'll barely talk to me, and he won't goof around with me or anything anymore. It... like bothers me. Obviously there are reasons, but I'm pretty sure everyone knows what those are. So I won't go into them. But Alex, if you're reading this. I miss you... and anytime you want to "come back," that'd be sweet. Anyways so Alex hates Phil for pretty more no reason other than Chelsea doesn't like him. Oops. Probably shouldn't have said that. Too bad my backspace button is broken. So that was kinda retarded cause he went off at Phil. The guy just needs to chill out. I love Alex to death, but he's changed a lot, and not for the better.

      Janelle got a job at Cash converters, so Alyssa and I went and visited her yesterday. She was very funny. Umm today I am going bed shopping because I need a new bed. Anyone want a bunkbed/futon for like $300? Come now. I know you do. Cause I want a sweet ass... something bed. Made of wood... to go with the hawaiian theme that will be... my room and bathroom. It's going to be excellent I'm telling you. Touchy touchy poo-poo. Sorry, random singing there. So called Nathan last night, just to see how he was doing, but he wasn't home. That was random. Ummm, I really want to go swimming, but since my friends aren't really hanging out... that really sucks. The evil V-day is coming up. Oh how I loathe thee. Like seriously now Valentines day. You can go straight to hell. I don't want anything. Unless it's a little candy heart from Janelle that says "I want you." I'd be down with that.

      Um, my hair is in "dreads" right now, which are starting to look pretty gross cause they've been in for two days now. I think I'm going to shower with a shower cap on. It'll be great. And yes. I do have a shower cap for your information. Ooh, I was listening to the radio and there was a great song on, but I don't know who it was by. I think it was Sum 41. So if anyone wants to get me something, you're very welcome to get me the new CD.

      Ah yes. Phil was over yesterday changing my tire and I randomly had a dream about Andrew the night before so he wasn't too happy about that. Actually he's got bloody knuckles still, but we'll just say he scraped them while he was jacking up my car. That is definately it. Although I'm quite interested in seeing the bench press which is apparently a little... bent out of shape? According to Jarred. Ah yes. Angry boys. I seriously must attract them or something. I swear I'll end up with a nice sensitive guy or something in the end. Hahaha, oh yea. Blah blah blah. So Megan's wedding is on the twelfth of March. Ohmygod. Oh right and my big news.

      My parents. Are going. To Australia. FOR A MONTH! May second to twenty-eighth. So almost a month! That would be over my birthday which is on the fifteenth for your information. And yes. There will be a large "celebration." With lots of "cake." Hint: "Cake" is a codeword. Please don't ask me for what. Anywho, I hope Alex will come, then we can have a double birthday since we never really have. So let me repeat. There will be a "small" "celebration." There will be lots of "cake." And there will be some "real" cake too. What? Anyways, yes so my parents are going to Australia. They're taking Kayley with them. Welcome to my world. Of cheese nips and chocolate milk. Anyways, I'm going to go look up stuff on being a paramedic. Leave me comments. I need encouragment to write in this thing. -- the tishi.
music. that song by sum 41 is in my head