Crap day. This better be PMS, cause otherwise, I should start worrying. Because you know, thoughts of you drive me insane, and make me wonder and question everything and I can't do that anymore. And I just really don't want to go there again. Why am I drawn to you even though I know the outcome is never what I expect or want. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I honestly don't. Am I just completely retarded or you know... is there something I just don't get. Cause this really is going to drive me insane if this continues. In some way I want it to, cause it's familiar. Things seem so strange right now. I feel like I'm in the wrong place. Everything is so... unfamiliar. And this feeling -- this pain is all too familiar. It's almost comfortable now. crushingly comfortable. So is my life on repeat? I thought I was doing so well. Maybe. Maybe this is all just PMS. Oh my good lord, please just let that be it. Please let it pass. This can't be the beginning of something. Oh my god. Same time of the year too. This is scaring me.

      I've been sleeping pretty much all day. Apparently I was supposed to be two places at once... but I don't remember any definate plans and so I was generally feeling guilty and people were like making me feel guilty and so I generally felt like shit. Then the hormones kicked in and I started crying and just. God. I swear, I'm not usually this bad. So I came home and went to bed. My god. These feelings, a boy, him, this time of year, THESE FEELINGS. These words coming out of my mouth. It's been two years. I seriously don't fucking get it. Maybe someone could just fucking explain this me, because I've spent more than the last year trying to peice this together and put my life back together. And it feels like what I've built is falling apart from under my feet. And... I can't do this again. Like, how do I explain? I want things to be normal again. Normal was like two years ago. I guess growing up sucks. Or maybe I'm just doomed to be one of those people who always wonders what if. Always sad. Always falling apart. Always... unfamiliar. Always hurting.
music. taking over me - evanescence