Crap day. This better be PMS, cause otherwise, I should start worrying. Because you know, thoughts of you drive me insane, and make me wonder and question everything and I can't do that anymore. And I just really don't want to go there again. Why am I drawn to you even though I know the outcome is never what I expect or want. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I honestly don't. Am I just completely retarded or you know... is there something I just don't get. Cause this really is going to drive me insane if this continues. In some way I want it to, cause it's familiar. Things seem so strange right now. I feel like I'm in the wrong place. Everything is so... unfamiliar. And this feeling -- this pain is all too familiar. It's almost comfortable now. crushingly comfortable. So is my life on repeat? I thought I was doing so well. Maybe. Maybe this is all just PMS. Oh my good lord, please just let that be it. Please let it pass. This can't be the beginning of something. Oh my god. Same time of the year too. This is scaring me.

      I've been sleeping pretty much all day. Apparently I was supposed to be two places at once... but I don't remember any definate plans and so I was generally feeling guilty and people were like making me feel guilty and so I generally felt like shit. Then the hormones kicked in and I started crying and just. God. I swear, I'm not usually this bad. So I came home and went to bed. My god. These feelings, a boy, him, this time of year, THESE FEELINGS. These words coming out of my mouth. It's been two years. I seriously don't fucking get it. Maybe someone could just fucking explain this me, because I've spent more than the last year trying to peice this together and put my life back together. And it feels like what I've built is falling apart from under my feet. And... I can't do this again. Like, how do I explain? I want things to be normal again. Normal was like two years ago. I guess growing up sucks. Or maybe I'm just doomed to be one of those people who always wonders what if. Always sad. Always falling apart. Always... unfamiliar. Always hurting.
music. taking over me - evanescence





      Hmmm, an update! Today I am sitting here at home because I was supposed to be working five am to one this morning, but I got really sick around two, and couldn't go back to sleep. So I called work at five (no one was there before then) It was Stacy and Chris so no bosses :) I'm attempting to eat a croisent... right now. And no, I don't know how to spell that.

      Yesterday, I went shopping with Janelle, Alex, and Chelsea, and spent large sums of money on the following: a pair of jeans, a tee shirt, a sweet cuffed shirt, a brown hoodie, some socks, and some of the coolest underwear ever. Then we went back to Janelle's. Watched some Kalan Porter and Jaccob Hoggard (who is the lead singer of Hedley... from which Nathan knows a few people) and had pizza. Drove Kayley to the bus station, picked mom up from work, where she thought her car had been stolen, but it actually hadn't. Drove Phil to Subway. Watched Little Black book, which was really sad, but had the really hot guy from Office Space in it.

      In other news, had a chance to talk to Janelle about Phil yesterday. That seemed to go well... because I wasn't too sure how to go about bringing it up. However, Kim did that for us when we saw her in the mall with Drew and Jenny and she said that Phil and I constantly knock things off her wall. (Don't even go there... he beats and tickles me!) But yea. So. That went well. Much food was eaten. That was the last I ate. I had a really weird dream last night about "jewliard" from South Park and Point Pleasent and how the world was ending because technology was taking over. So this graveyard was turned into a golfcourse, and then I had to fend off a raccoon while wearing a bathing suit. Very strange. Maybe will go bowling today or something if I feel better.
music. waiting - jake





      It's a good thing we went boarding when we did. The mountain just lost over 30 cm in one day due to heavy rains! Ouch. Yesterday I... hung out with Phil for a bit before work and got all PMS'ey and sad. I got chocolate milk and pie though! Phil downloaded sooo much music onto my computer so now I'm trying to sort through it all. Dan was at work last night so we talked a bit. I dunno if much was really resolved. So yes, lovely working from four to midnight. Tonight from four to eight. I really want to go bowling, but I dunno if there'll be time after I get off work :(

      "I won't wait around forever." Believe me. Yes you will. You can wait around for a very long time. You'd be suprised. In other news, this old woman comes up to me at work and says "where's the douches!?" I was kind of creeped out... I mean, come on, just look for them yourself. It was creepy. So the new thing is, "Where's the douche!?" Roger better give me a gold star today. I made shelving for all the envelopes in the darkroom and it was hard work! Damn you shoppers-i-don't-care-about-my-employees-drug-mart. Anywho, without further adu? And damn you Phillip for the following:
music. beautiful soul - jesse mccartney





      What on earth have I been doing with myself this past week and a half? I'm getting worse and worse at updating this thing. Is that a good thing or an I'm-too-lazy thing? We're gonna go with the lazy. Just to be on the safe side. Today I dot dot dot... went snowboarding! Finally! First time this season. It was pretty nice. Little windy, so I got a nice windburn on my face, pretty cold, that's about it. I went with Phil, Kim (Phil's little sister) and Charlotte (Kim's friend, who was VERY cool) And yes. Phil was having a bit of trouble at the beginning cause he figured he was goofy. He was not. So lots of bunny hill runs and greens. Some Westerly... no terrain park cause they turned the lower one into a black diamond park until they get the upper one finished. Watching Phil was great fun. It's always fun to be better than him at something, since he's better than me at pretty much... everything else. Bastard.

      Soo, at one point, Charlotte and I lost Phil and Kim cause they went down a really baaad trail, and so we got in a blue run, which was extreme-fun..ness. Then Phil almost ran into and killed Charlotte on the bunny hill, so hence, we found them again. Oh did I mention that... Phil is afraid of heights? Not much, hahaha but I would've liked to see him on the eagle. Oh oh, funny story. Phil had to rent, and he needed a "guardian's" signature... so he randomly asked this old guy who was walking by if he would forge his mom's signature. So... now Phil has an uncle Dave. Yes. Hmmm, almost died several times on the way up the mountain... no one had really plowed the highway that morning. The way back was fine. Tim hortons is... good. So is Phil making me ride in neutral at alarming speeds down the mountain behind other traffic.

      This morning, Krinkle peed on my board bag. I mean, come on, what's his beef? He walks into my room, looks at me, and pees on my bag! It was only like last week that he walked in and peed on my jacket! That cat is not allowed in my room anymore. Biatch. I listened to Let's Go a loooot while I was boarding. It was great. Today has been a good day. Oh right. Went and relaxed at Phil's when we got home... which was funny, because neither of us could move very well. So we're kinda just staggering around. I hurt my neck when I landed my jump... in a hole. And Phil pretty much hurt everything. He told me was bi like three times, and the third time he wouldn't... laugh or anything and I got so freaked out that I actually got a nosebleed from stress. Phil seemed to think that was great. I ended up sleeping there for like three hours cause I was just so tired. So that's about my day today.

      Sometime last week I was supposed to go boarding with Candace, but then she invited Ryan and Mike, and then I got stuck at Janelle's house that night what with the snow and the ice and having to drive Andrew back to Cedar. So, oh yes that was the day Krinkle peed on my jacket, so I ended up cancelling cause I woke up late too. So... that night, I slept at Janelle's on her futon with god-knows-who... Janelle, Crysta, Phil, Andrew. I think that's all... Don't really remember. That was a while back. Work is work. It's been not too bad. Jen (the incompetent one) almost got fired the other day because she said she couldn't get into work. When Roger told her she could be "terminated," she suddenly got there no problem. But now Candace is in photo too. Woohoo. Boredom!

      Haven't given Bluenotes my timetable in a long time. So I don't have any shifts there. Haven't even gone near the place. Don't really want anymore shifts. Kinda really hate it, so I'm just gonna avoid it like the plague! Janelle's been all lesbian-ish to me, so I don't know what's up with that. She's totally coming onto me man. Janelle, I know you're reading this. Just because I can have lesbian tendencies, doesn't mean you can! I mean... for God's sakes! It creeps the hell outta me! Biatch! No but really, Janelle's sexy and I would totally do her... if I swung that way. Swang. Swung. Whatever. I don't remember when I posted last so I shall write whatever comes to mind.

      Phil and I went to Andrews and Krista came over... and she was nice to me. I think I already wrote about that. Umm, we went to Ken's (minus Krista cause they broke up for like.. ten minutes) and so I met Ken... who has a nifty lighter. It was Phil's birthday on the seventh. So.. he got pizza for dinner from me and Jarred, and a white hoodie and a lift pass... which is.. fun. Everything is so vague, I can't remember that far back! Anyways Jarred was over and they were computer nerds together that evening. "Well, my paladin's level 47!" Blah blah blah. Something about a motherboard? I don't know... I just do web. Lots of happy things happened, and probably some not so happy things, but I don't remember any. I could really go for some chocolate milk. Oh, Phil and I went to Janelle's and we played this game called... I don't remember... it had slogans and pictures and it was very dirty... actually, if you played monopoly with us, it would probably be pretty dirty too... or go fish. Or anything really. Laugh.

      My current food obsession... besides the entire Tim horton's food chain... is chocolate dip doughnuts! Drool! They are.. orgasmic. I ate six today! Actually, I'm finishing the last one right now. No more doughnuts left. Blah, just had a thought about someone... away thought. I don't want to think about you. Hmmm Kayley, Lawrie, Phil and I went to Wal-Mart the other day and I saw Alyssa, so as I was getting out of the car, I like slipped on some ice and was in an interesting position. Like I had one leg and the upper half out my body on the ground. It was awesome. I was totally so cool. Really. Tomorrow I have to work at four... until midnight. Whatever yo. I really don't like that shift, but I'll be working a whole lot of em cause Tanya (the osp boss) is pregnant and she can't work with the chemicals that we dump at night. So... lots of midnights for me. Dag. Yes. Yes, that is supposed to say "dag."

      Uhhh, hahaha Phil tried to download Diablo to my computer and it didn't work. I laughed. It was great. So instead he downloaded a crapload of music that I will probably never listen to. Oh and some random person keeps calling my cell and I keep missing it. Who's area code is 416? Like... wtf and who the hell do I know... who's area code I don't know. People, I don't have connections... let's see... I know Trey in Wisconsin, and several other peeople. Ben in Ontario, and Tyson in Alberta... or wherever the hell he lives... and works at a dollar store... hehehe ;) Anywho, my back and generally my entire body is aching a bit... so I shall end this and write more later if I remember any other funny events. Because we all know that I make a fool of myself at least once a day. I mean really people? Who do you love? Me. That's right. You love Tasha.
music. something i can never have - nine inch nails





      Damn you all and your demands for updates. I too have a life you know! Yea right. Anyways. I'm about to settle in for a nice cup of Mr. Noodles and a mug of chocolate milk. Mmmm, I do the body good... I mean, uh... yea. So let's try to sum up the last five days as best possible. I did stuff. The end. No, just kidding. Although, I did do stuff, so not really. Just... well, read on, chums.

      Alright so on Dec 31 and January 1 2005, I went to the concert with Phil, Jarred, Janelle, Crysta, Alex, Chelsea, Andrea, and Calee. That, my friends, was an interesting night. I suppose I may as well tell you the whole story, even if I am feeling rather lazy this evening. All right, well Phil, Jarred, and I met up with everyone outside of the New VI building for the concert, blah blah blah, we were at the concert and I was being ignored and being pushed to the other side of the group. (away from Phil... I wonder why?) Hahaha, but yea, so about ten to midnight, I'm standing next to a bunch of people trying to push their way out of the crowd, when this guy grabs my by the shoulders and decides to use me a human battering ram to get out of the crowd of thousands of people... not fun. So there I am, at the back of a huge crowd, by myself, at five to midnight. I was trying to call Alex on my cell, but no such luck. Finally, Phil calls and says he's going to come get me. Bout five after midnight, I see him and Jarred and we wait for everyone else, but they never show, so we leave. That's when it got interesting.

      Apparently, everyone thought that I had wandered out of the crowd, hoping that Phil would follow me so we could go make out at midnight or something? Noo... but that's what they thought. So when Phil said he was gonna go find me, Andrea (his ex) got in his way and said he wasn't going anywhere and then there was some apparently harsh exchange about Phil doing whatever he wanted, and she ended up crying and everyone decided they hated me and Phil for... what they thought was going on, but actually wasn't. Right. So basically we were walking back to the car and Phil starts getting harrassing phone calls from Chelsea and such on my cell, saying shit about him, so I turned my phone off. Then Janelle calls and leaves a message about how our friendship is over. So... that was a nice way to end the evening. But yea, so the three of us went to "Pinner's" house (who actually happens to be this kid who used to go to my church... weird) but he wasn't home. So then we went back to my house and watched Anchorman. Good movie. I'm gonna punch you in the ovaries. Right in the babymaker!

      So... next day, I'm guessing I hung out with Phil. I don't really remember things from that long ago (like four days hahaha) and talked to Janelle in the evening. Left a message on her blog about what really happened, so we talked and... were cool again. I dunno about everyone else? Well, Andrea and Calee never liked me, but I dunno about A&C. Ummm, next day, I believe I went to the mall with Kayley and bought this awesome plaid button up shirt and the Dodgeball and Something about Mary DVD's. Then went to Janelle's and helped her paint lyrics on her wall. It was excellent. I got to put some Ender lyrics up! Worked eight to midnight on Monday and Tuesday. Ate lots of cinnomen buns. Watched Dodgeball. "Nobody makes me bleed my own blood!" and Napolean Dynamite, "Tina, you fat lard, come get some dinner!" Hung out with Phil lots. Hmmm, had the house to myself cause my parents went to Victoria and didn't come back until Tuesday afternoon. That was pretty awesome. Except for the fact that I thought they had died cause they said they'd be home on Monday.

      Went out for coffee with the_dan twice. Ate lots of Tim Hortons. Damn it. Phil's like me... he won't let me buy him anything, but he tries to pay for EVERYTHING for me. Dammit! Today is the sixth. Tomorrow is Phil's birthday. He's the big one-eight hahaa... so what do I do? Hmmm, I shall have to figure something out. I'm trying to think of anything else I've done these past five days... looked for a ps2 but couldn't find one. Ummm, oh. Today, I picked Phil up from school and we picked up Andrew from a friends and went to Andrew's house where we did... stuff. Oh right. Played video games, went to Timmy's... I met Krista Noble. She was actually really nice to me. So yea we were there until around eight or nine maybe. Then Phil and I went to... Timmy's again... and Subway. OMG! I still have a cookie in the car! Woohoo!

      I think that's about it. I hope I'm not forgetting anything. If I am, remind me... probably not. There was a lot of sleeping, and a lot of not sleeping, a lot of Timmy's, cinnomen buns, shopping, Phil, movies, Diablo *rolls eyes* hahha, probably some more stuff, but I don't remember! Hahahaha, talk to ya later kids.
music. one-eighty by summer - taking back sunday