I can feel that all too familiar feeling washing over me again. It's scaring me. I haven't felt sad in so long. And now I'm reminded of what it was like last year... my god, was that really last year? I guess it was. And two years ago... Man, if anyone ever asked me what the most recent turning point in my life was, I would say December third, last year. When Nathan dumped me, when I started changing, when I met Dan, when everything I thought I knew just got completely twisted. And now things are changing again, and I'm starting to feel again. Just a little. I can feel. And oh man. It's bringing everything back about how things used to be; about how I used to be. I'm curious, but scared to let down my guard again.

      I suppose I should fill in some blanks. I broke up with Nathan last night. I was so confused. I thought I loved him, I mean, I had wanted to be with him for so long, I missed him, he was my reason... and then, there he is in my life again and what... I'm not even happy. I mean, maybe I fooled myself into thinking I was happy, but... I'd changed. I was in love with this idea that everything could be perfect again. But everything was so different. I just couldn't believe that now he loved me, and I didn't know what the heck I felt. I wanted to feel it again, and I tried and tried, and got so confused. I still don't understand. I hope it's not how I think it may be... I don't want it to come down to me hurting him back.

      I'm scared that might be it. Reel him in so I can use him and leave him. Is that how it was? I just gave up after him, stopped feeling anything, stopped being happy, stopped being around people, stopped caring about ANYTHING. I don't want it to be that I just wanted to hurt him like he hurt me. And so it scares me that I don't miss him. Like... my god. For the first time in so long, I don't miss him, I don't need him. I'm in unfamiliar territory. And it's making me wake up. What was there before him? I'm remembering. Being happy. God. I am happy now. It's just so weird to be happy and not need him.

      Things are going well. Dan. Dan... I don't know. Like, I just don't think I can do anything about it anymore. He sounds like me after Nathan... it scares me. Yea, we had some good times, but I was someone else. I wasn't me. He says he wasn't himself. So maybe we really don't know each other at all. He freaked again over Phil, and I mean. I just don't wanna go there anymore. I'm starting to care about things again, and I don't want to have to care about that. So I won't. That part of my life is over. I depended on him for so long, and now I don't. I don't need him anymore.

      I guess I can't really go into this anymore right now. Other parts concerning this will have to come later. But I'm happy. I've got great friends, and I'm sorry I've been missing out on them for so long. Man, maybe no one gets it, but I swear I've been sleeping for so long, and now it feels like I'm finally waking up. Man... this is wonderful.
23 - jimmy eat world