Just went for a walk to shoppers. Dan was working. Nathan called at ten, but I wasn't home. I felt like talking to Dan instead. So we talked about whatever, and how he didn't think we should be friends or hang out at all. Whatever he wants, that's cool. I told him to come to the staff party so I'd have someone to talk to, and also so he could get free drinks off Blair. Still not sure if he's gonna come. He should, even if he doesn't wanna hang out.

      Anyways, on the way home, I got to thinking about Nathan. By the way, before I start this, I should say that I'm actually in quite a good mood. Some of this I actually find funny in a sick sort of way. Anyways, I was thinking how could I know if he actually loves me this time? I have absolutely no way of knowing. I mean, he says he does, but he said he did before too. So pretty much, I guess he'll just have to find a way to prove it to me, because I find pretty much no reason to believe him.

      In fact, to be even more brutally honest. I don't really think he loves me. I think he loves the me he remembers. Unfortunatly, I'm not the same person I was last year. Whooaaa, I have changed a lot this year, kiddo. Like you wouldn't believe. Most of that is attributed to you, and I'm not saying that in good way either. Some of it's because of Dan, not saying that in a bad way, and some of it is just plain old growing up. So that's what I wonder right now. Does he love the me he doesn't really know at all, or does he love the me he remembers.

      I was also thinking, why the hell should I make this so easy for him? I mean, I fucking pined over him for like a year, and now he's back, and here I am, I've been waiting for you. When I'm really not sure if I haven't just been waiting for the Nathan I remember, which I know he is not. Just makes me think. Like, just wondering how he would feel if I just kind of ignored him, barely talked to him, didn't respond to his e-mails, never gave him a clear sign of how I felt, fuck off for like a couple months. See if he loves me like I loved him. And I'm serious when I say this isn't even out of anger. I'm not angry. I'm just beginning to wonder if I care as much as I thought I did. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. No guarentees.

      I mean, I guess I'm just really sick of being the one he knows he can come back to with no problems. Wondering why the hell should I let you back into my life so easily after you fucked around with me. Wondering (not out of selfishness or pride) if I'm too good for you. If maybe I just thought too lowly of myself. I mean, I'm not saying he's a bad kid, he's great. I just dunno if I feel like it. Wouldn't that be kinda funny. I pine over this kid for so long, only to decide I don't wanna be with him when he comes around. In conclusion, this entry isn't about anything more than what I'm thinking, the things I can't say out loud. They aren't meant to hurt anyone or to be of offense to anyone. Like I said, I'm not angry, I actually feel fucking awesome today. It feels good.
music. so cold - breaking benjamin