Hi again. I shall now try to sum up my day... it sucked. So I went into work an hour early to work on this calandar I'm making for my grandma for Christmas, and I end up pretty much helping everyone else because it's so busy, and I'm there, so my bosses just expect me too. Anyways, after Erin left, I had like... probably about thirty five rolls of film to do in three hours. That's a freaking lot. So yea, then I had all these stupid people who didn't understand how to use a touch screen and this one incompetent lady who got pissed off at me about the lines on her photos and couldn't comprehend the fact that her negatives were already scratched. So I swear she was there for about two hours, asking me to come over about every five minutes. Then my idiot assistant manager, Sandra, asked me to put milk out, and when I told her I was too busy, she said, "oh, well you can just do it when you're finished then." When I was finished was about half an hour after I stopped getting paid. I swear, they pay you for what you are scheduled to work, never for what you actually work. So yea, I had all these bitchy customers getting all pissed off cause they're TWELVE rolls of film weren't done in one hour like the sign says. I seriously wanted to jump over the counter and kill this one woman. One roll equals one hour, bitch! God.

      In other news, I ate salad today. I didn't get a break for my entire six and a half hour shift so I felt like I was going to throw up at the end. So yea, the salad was around seven thirty. Yes. And some chocolate milk. Dan and Sid came over and we played some mean chess. Well... they played some mean chess, I mostly just sucked and Sid poked me everytime I made a bad move. Also, I weighed myself today and I gained three pounds. That kinda sucks. I mean it's not a lot. I only weight 101 on the dot now, but just I guess the fact of gaining weight is never an enjoyable thought. Losing weight's always nice though. I've been eating healthy or not at all... so how the hell did I gain three pounds!? Wtf body!? Anyhow, I have to work at nine forty five tomorrow, so I should probably hit the sack. I didn't even get to talk to Nathan or Joel today. Sad face. :( Oh well, I talked to Nathan on the phone for a rather long time last night, so I'm good. And then I had a crazy dream about Joel. I'm sure I'll live.
music. rivers underneath - stavesacre





      Today Tasha is... really freaking tired. I went to work an hour early so I could order this personalized calander for my grandma. Ok, I just decided that I don't feel like writing. I'm too fucking tired. I hate stupid people. Ugh.





      Hello all. Today was stuff. Worked nine forty five to two fifteen. That was fairly uneventful. Downloaded some new music. You should all check out 'Let Me Out' by Future Leaders of the World. Excellent song. The Nathan returned my call finally today. First time I've talked to him since Sunday, being the last day I saw him. Right-o, so I super-duper miss him and will hopefully see him in December or January. Hmmm, must go snowboarding soon. Mountain opens in like eleven days. Woohoo! Hmm Dan and I went for a drive down to Coombs and I burned a CD which turned out completely shit-all. Yea, that's about all the news today. I was trying to call Janelle to see if she wanted to go bowling, but she was at Full Circle, and then Alex was eating dinner. Seriously, people, (Alex, Chelsea, Janelle, Geoff, Erin, Drew, whoever the fuck reads this) let's get together and go bowling or something... or skating, and play this sweet game I got afterwards. I think you'll all enjoy playing "Dirty Minds." Call me sometime people! I want to do something!
music. let me out - future leaders of the world





      Hello all. Yesterday was good. I went shopping and spent a disgusting amount of money at the mall. I bought some dickies from Bluenotes. I bought a Burton hoodie from West 49 and I picked up someone's present from somewhere. What else? I think that's it... oh I bought some sweet boarding gloves too. From West 49. Yea. Ok and then last night was the Christmas party for Shoppers at the Bastion. It was actually a lot of fun. Chris and I decided that Roger (our boss) looked like Ah-nold. So now everytime we're repeating something he said, we say it in Ah-nold. It's actually pretty funny, but I guess you woulda have to had been there. But yea, it was cool. Good food, good dessert, good music after Erin and I convinced the lame-o DJ to play Tipsy... which was like the only decent song we recognized. But yea, so Dan and L-A got drunk and danced away with the rest of us. Dan did some break dancing while he was drunk, so that was quite the show and all everyone talked about today. Ummm, oh we all got presents from the owner/boss (Blair) I got forty bucks for Woodgrove, which I already spent today! Woohoo! But yea, I wish Erin and I were nineteen so we could've gone to the bar with L-A, Michelle, and Dave afterwards! That would have been awesome!

      In other news. I got a three hour training shift at Bluenotes next Thursday. Six to nine, that should be super-awesome. I've been trying to get ahold of Nathan the past couple days, but he must be at work or youth or something. He was calling me all earlier this week, but I was at work everytime... then my phone died. Right, so today, work was actually really fun. Chris, Stacy, and I laughed about the party the night before, Chris and I did Ah-nold all day, and then Dan came and we all sorta slacked off, but not too much though. Roger was working hahaha. Oh did I forget to mention that when Dan was break dancing, he almost fell on Roger? That was hilarious. God, he was funny... Michelle was all shaking her booty on the dance floor... right in my face. That was interesting. So yea, and eight hour day at Shoppers that I actually enjoyed. It was sweet. Got my new glasses. They're totally awesomely nerdy. I lurve them. I had to get them tightened today because they kept falling off my head at work. Lame-o! But yea, I just bought something for my family for Christmas. It's excellent. Possibly going to Victoria next weekend. See Jowwwwweeelll and such. I miss you Joel! Right! Talk to ya later kiddo's!
music. the one - foo fighters





      How do I know if he really loves me this time. Haven't we already been over this, Tasha? Yes... but he does seem different this time. Course like he said, that's probably from the drugs. But I mean, he seems so... unemotional about some things. If he left me again, I don't know what I'd do... I wouldn't die. I would feel like I'm dying, and be more fucked up than I already am. It's almost ironic that they way I've become is because of him, and now it's causing problems... all this anger, sadness, insecurity is because of him and now they're directed at him.

      It's just I CAN'T lose him again. Just... fuck, I can't go back to being like that. My mom and Scheryl told me the other day that they noticed that I hadn't been happy like I am now for about a year. But, how do I know if he's lying to me this time around? And the thing we laughed off... that was really bugging me yesterday, but I can't really have a problem with that. Janelle says she can tell he loves me by the way he looks at me. What the hell. How can I ever be sure!? This is driving me crazy.

i just wanna tell you so you know... here i go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you, you are my only one! i let go, but there's just no one who gets me like you do, you are my only, my only one!
music. only one - yellowcard





      Something I found on Brianna's blog. Highlight the things you've done.

Climbed a mountain
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Held a tarantula.
Taken a candlelit bath with someone
Said 'I love you' and meant it
Hugged a tree
Done a striptease
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightning storm at sea
Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
Gone to a huge sports game
Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Slept under the stars
Changed a baby's diaper
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
Watched a meteor shower
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
Had a food fight
Taken a sick day when you're not ill
Had a snowball fight
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
Held a lamb
Organized and planned a surprise party for a loved one
Taken a midnight skinny dip
Taken an ice cold bath
Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
Seen a total eclipse
Ridden a roller coaster
Hit a home run
Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
Adopted an accent for an entire day
Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
Had two hard drives for your computer
Visited all 50 states
Loved your job for all accounts
Taken care of someone who was really sick
Had enough money to be truly satisfied
Had amazing friends
Stolen a sign
Taken a road-trip
Rock climbing
Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
Bench pressed your own weight
Milked a cow
Alphabetized your records
Pretended to be a superhero
Sung karaoke
Lounged around in bed all day
Protested something you feel strongly against
Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Played in the rain
Gone to a drive-in theater
Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
Dropped Windows in favor of something better
Taken a martial arts class
Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
Crashed a party
Loved someone you shouldn't have
Gone without good food for 5 days
Made cookies from scratch
Won first prize in a costume contest
Gotten a tattoo
Got flowers for no reason
Made out in a public place
Got so drunk you don't remember anything
Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
Performed on stage
Been to Las Vegas
Drank an entire 6 pack by yourself
Buried one/both of your parents
Shaved all of your hair off
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently
Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
Bounced a check
Performed in theatre
Found out something significant that your ancestors did
Called or written your MP
Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 pounds
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Broken someone's heart
Helped an animal give birth
Been fired or laid off from a job
Broken a bone
Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph(161kph)
Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
Ridden a horse
Had major surgery
Ridden on a passenger train
Had a snake as a pet
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
Been a sperm or egg donor
Eaten sushi
Had your picture in the newspaper
Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
Gotten someone fired for their actions
Changed your name
Eaten fried green tomatoes
Read The Iliad
Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read their works
Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
Taught yourself an art from scratch
Killed and prepared an animal for eating
Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
Written your own computer language
Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
Had to put someone you love into hospice care
Built your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
Had a booth at a street fair
Dyed your hair Blue
Been a DJ
Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
Written your own role playing game
Been arrested





      Damn. Fuck. Ass. Shit. Bitch. I'm not a very happy person today. Actually I'm never really a very happy person, but today I am less happy then I'm usually not. No particular reason. Work was retarded; this old man pulled his pants down to he knees and took his wallet out of his long underwear to pay me. It was traumitizing. How the fuck do you not laugh in his face... or puke all over the newly vacuumed floor? Your guess is as good as mine. So, in general, today has just been crap-assed. I wish I could find something to be happy about more often... otherwise I'm just generally pissed off at life. Seriously now. It's really kinda fucked up and lame all the time.

      In other news, Dan and I went to see 'The Incredibles' last night which was totally awesome. Yeah... Nathan tried to call me on my cell, which then proceeded to crap out on me. Which is retarded. So... haven't really talked to him since he left on Sunday... which isn't cool. Whatever kids. I'm so fucking angry today. I seriously just want to go outside and scream and break something. Do you ever wish you had the power to change what people think? I mean, like make people listen to you? Fuck. I wish I made music. Snowboarding in like sixteen days or something. Yay. That's something to look forward to... going really fucking fast and trying to kill yourself. I'm going fucking all out this season. What's it worth if you don't have a few scars to show for it. What's life worth if you don't have a few scars. Being angry is almost better than being happy all the time... it gives you purpose... but maybe being happy does too. I don't really remember.
music. imagine - a perfect circle





      I shall now try to recap the last three days or however long it's been since I wrote last. I should really check -- oh well. Alright so on Thursday, Dan came over and we played video games until like two in the morning, even though I was trying to make him leave because I had to get up early the next day to catch the six thirty ferry. However, I didn't really want to tell him that... so I didn't. But yea, he finally left around two or just before.

      Alrighty, so I caught the fricking six thirty ferry Friday morning, that was awesome... not. I had to pay like ten bucks to park all day. Highway robbery I'm telling ya. Anyhow, got to Van, blah blah blah finally got to Waterfront and finally found Nathan sitting in starbucks. He looked kind of different hahaha, as in completely different. His hair is rather long and curly and... very blonde. Hahhaha, and he didn't look like a total punk. Mr. clean cut. But yea, so we missed the ten thirty ferry so we got to chill out at the ferries for like an hour and a half... good times. Hmm, I'm trying to think what we did the rest of the day once we got back. I think we watched American beauty, got some candy from shoppers, Candace and Mike came over. Uh yea, that's about it.

      So Saturday... more malling, we watched Donnie Darko. Nathan says he got it, but I doubt it hahahaha. Oh boy. We bought lots of cd's. Nathan bought like six I think. I bought him 'a perfect circle' cd and and brown hat which is awesomeness. I got the new Eminem cd and a Thursday cd. Um, we went to Geoff's birthday dinner which I organized at Montana's. Hahaha, yes organized meaning no reservations, which meant that seven of us (me, Nathan, Janelle, Alex, Chelsea, Erin, and Geoff) stood outside in the cold for an hour and a half hahaha. Good times. Finally we got in and I had yummy pork ribs! Yum! And fries. It was yummy. Our waiter, Chris, was really hot apparently, so everyone was drawing on the placemat... most of which was Janelle's phone number with "call me" written underneath. As well as pictures of spermies and a g-spot hahaha, nice job Alex. What else, just generally stuff sex obsessed teenagers would write/draw. Hahaha, Erin's moose/penis. Anyways, the waiters came out and sang to Geoff and made him wear moose antlers. Then he got presents. Such as... a Dahli Lama calendar, insence, Monty Python dvd's, and a BNL ladies cd. Good times. Hahaha, Nathan doesn't get what I mean. He thinks I missuse good times. After that, we went to Geoff's house for a while and played some fighting video game which I totally kicked ass at. Except for when Geoff was this character that does this hump attack thing. That was scary.

      Ok, on to Sunday, being today. Let's see. We went out for lunch at Timmy's. I could barely finish a muffin. I don't think I'm in too good of shape. I'm so hungry right now though... but yea. We rented a movie called Godsend, which we didn't get time to watch. It's with a guy from Nanaimo, named Cameron Bright. It looks sweet. Yea, I don't think we did a whole bunch today. Nathan got a shirt from the Dog's Ear. My hoodie won't be in for another two weeks, but at last I shall have a green hoodie! Also, my glasses should be in next week. Hmmm, had bagel bites for a healthy dinner and sent Nathan home on the nine o'clock ferry. So that's about an hour ago. I had to chase after him like five minutes later because he still had like all my cards in his wallet... which would not have been good. Oh man, ok I totally need to hang out with a big group of people very soon. I just bought the most awesome game ever. It's called "Dirty Mind" and it gives you three "dirty" hints that... hint at something bad, but have a totally clean answer. I can't wait to play with my completely perverted friends. That'll be awesome. No one's gonna win.

      Anyways, I have to work tomorrow at nine thirty, and I'm hungry and tired. Also my mom and Scheryl just had a huge talk with me about life and such which was awkward but turned out ok. Oh man, I am so hungry. Like holy crap. I need to eat something.
music. imagine - a perfect circle





      Hello all, according to Janelle, I have to update or die, so I figured updating would be slightly more in my favour. Blah blah blah, I've been working for the past two days and then not being on msn because I was too tired. I've also been doing quite a bit of cleaning. The downstaires is on it's way to being done. My family refuses to keep the upstairs clean though. I swear to god, everyone who thinks I'm messy should come check out my parents. It's disgusting, and then they always bug me about how the house is dirty. Retards. I'm sneezing from all the dust. Oh here's Dan finally like an hour after he said he would come over. So I should probably finish this up.

      My first day off in nine days is tomorrow and I shall spend it cleaning and visiting Candace at shoppers. (she starts tomorrow! yay!) I must remember to clean my car and pick up my board. Argh I need a shoulder massage :( Been drinking lots of chocolate milk and eating lots of salad. Doing lots of laundry. Umm ok funny work story. This big fat old man comes into the store at around five all wheezing really badly like you do with asthma. Anyways he asks Chris where the condoms are and could he please help him find some. Then he goes on about "which ones are the flavoured ones," and "what flavours are there?" Meanwhile, it sounds like he's gonna fall over and die right there on the floor. So it's like, "Do you WHEEEEEZE have any flav... WHEEEEEZE oured condoms?" It was really amusing. And rather gross. Chris is like nearly gagging when he's telling me about it. Anyways, I hope that entertained you all. Yes.
music. delirium trigger - coheed and cambria






      Today's shift was four to midnight. However, prior to that, my datty and I went to the mall to order my nerd glasses. They are sweet. We also looked at guitars and papasan chairs. Then we came home, I continued reading fight club, and then I went to work and ate salad and such. I have a good work story today though.

      This woman came in yesterday and she came in again today. Now, we have these big horse stuffed animals that you can actually sit on and the head moves and they play the lone ranger song. Anyways. Yesterday there was only one of these horses at the back tills, today there were three. This woman looks at me and says, "the horses are multiplying! We know what they're doing at night, don't we!" Anyways I came back like ten minutes later and found all three horses in the corner having a big horse orgy. I wish I'd had a camera. It was rather hilarious. I'm sure you can picture it. Things I am looking forward to: 1) seeing Nathan, 2) snowboarding, 3) Christmas, 4) my Christmas bonus, and only so-so 5) the staff Christmas party.
music. rivers underneath - stavesacre





      Today has been average. I worked. I ate salad. I went to the mall. I ordered my green hoodie. I bought a jean jacket. I found glasses. They're black Ralph Laurens. They're nerdishly awesome. Sweet thick black plastic frames baby. That's what I was looking for. I'm reading fight club right now. Finally got it from like library. Hahaha, my dad had to take it out since I have like sixty bucks in library fees. Fucking books. My eyes hurt. Fucking allergies. But I can't take out my contacts because I don't have any glasses and won't for like a week still. Now I'm sitting here in sweats and cookie monster slippers trying to be sexy, but it's not working.

      I do however have an awesome story from work. This woman picked up a carton of eggs... the normal ones? Anyways, she opened it and started counting them. I was jokingly like, "there's usually twelve," and she's like "I know, but I just want to make sure they're all there." Keep in mind, there's only enough room for twelve eggs... this woman was on crack, I swear.
music. you got me - roots feat. erikah badhu





      Hi again. I feel the need to let you in on my other disgusting habits that I forgot to mention. Maybe I'm proud of them? Hahahaha, right, so the smell test. How many girls do you know that do the smell test on their clothes. Seriously, I never hang up my clothes so they're always all over the floor. So before I wear something I have to check it out and give it the smell test. It can be difficult since I don't smell bad. Although it's very easy to tell if Kayley's been wearing it. Just kidding Kayley... sort of.

      My other annoying habits include: biting my fingernails, picking my toenails, wearing the same clothes (not underwear, people) for days, and not shaving for long periods of time. That's probably not all of them, but the rest are really gross. Hahahaha I'm sort of just kidding. Later chum-o's! Oh, also, never changing the sheets on my bed.





      Hola. Guess what I've been up to? You're right! I have been cleaning my bathroom for about three and a half hours now and it's still not done. I'm working on the walls and floor right now. Yea, the walls... that would be from some violent hair dying experiences... which is why the stains are red... and blue. I don't know about the blue ones. But yea, so now the toilet and sink aren't disgusting. That was pretty gross. Keep in mind this is my bathroom that I use everyday. Yea, I didn't think you'd wanna come over ever again. I just really hate cleaning, but I also really hate disgusting bathrooms more. I decided it was time for a change. I even used a toothbrush... no, not mine. It was Kayleys. Jussst kidding hehehe ;)

      Anywho, in other news. I haven't posted for a while, because I'm lame and didn't feel like writing anything. Been working for the past two days. That's been lame. Finally bought some new make-up today... only like foundation and mascara since that's all I wear. Lan Ahn is making me use this new skin care stuff that costs like twenty bucks each and there's like five pieces to the kit. Damn. But yea, so now I don't look like such a big tard at work because I ran out of my make-up and I seriously have not washed my hair in so long. omg. Why do I have a boyfriend. Nathan, I am seriously so disgusting. I'm not even going to tell you when the last time I washed my hair was because you'll break up with me and I won't have any friends. I was going to wash it tonight, but I decided cleaning would be a good thing to do first instead of after... yes. But yea, I do my laundry lots at least. I mean, if I had dirty clothes and dirty hair, people might start to notice.

      At least I don't smell. Thank God. That would suck. Hmm, although I do have really bad breath. Yea. Man, I have terrible morning breath. But that's cause I use Colgate instead of Crest... hahaha good times. That was supposed to be funny, but I dunno if anyone got it. omg. I have a huge underground zit on my cheek! Noooooo! I hate those! Just thought I would share that with all of you. Also, in case anyone was wondering, I haven't shaved above my knees in so long. The hair is like an inch and a half long. Hahahahahaha, but it's white, so you can't tell... except you can, but I don't wear miniskirts... often/in the winter, so you can't tell! Hahahhahahaha! Ew.... did I wash my hands after cleaning the toilet... ew I think I ate a chocolate after... omg. Ew. I need a shower. Anyways, now that I've completely disgusted all my friends with my hygienal issues...

      Dan came over at like three in the morning two nights ago. It was really scary cause he came to my window (I live below ground) and I was ignoring him, but he was like knocking louder and louder and trying the front door and I was scared he would try the garage and wake my parents up, so I finally let him in. So we talked and worked most of the stuff out, or at least agreed to disagree. He left at like six thirty and I went back to bed even though I totally wanted a mcdee's blt. Yes. Then he came over last night and we chilled on the computer and got chocolate and he yelled at me about some stuff and apologized and yea. That's about it. I won't go into detail because I don't need to and also because my shoulders are aching from cleaning.

      Hmmm, I work until 2:15 tomorrow, and then I shall go to the mall and order my green hoodie from the dog's ear, because I've wanted it for so long. Hmm, I also need some more shampoo and body wash and... socks. Hmmm twenty times the points is on this week at shoppers, I shall have to get my expensive face stuff then so I can be super rich... unless mother is paying for it... damn. And I have to save money for a something. Because I can't be poor cause that would just suck... also need to get new hubs and yes. I don't know what else to say. I really want some pork roast right now. I also really have to pee. I also have to work at 9:45 tomorrow morning/today. So I should probably go to bed soon. Just wanted to update you all on my life because I know you are all craving more Tasha time.





      Just got home from work. Ah yes, the lovely midnight shift. Today (being officially the tenth) is Nathan's birthday. Happy birthday kiddo! Yay, the big one-seven! Hahaha... yes Tasha and the younger guys. Right Janelle? Anywho Janelle appears to be doing well, but is quite sore from her surgery. You'll probably have to go read her blog, because she used big words that I don't remember. In other news, I'm crazy tired. Like come on, I had like twelve hours of sleep and right now I feel like falling off the chair and sleeping on the hardwood floor. Must make doctor's appointment tomorrow. Keep forgetting. Argh.

      In other other news, Joel is a huge nerd. He hates his picture on my site so much, that he went like webcam crazy and sent me a whole bunch, filling up my inbox. Therefore, there is a new picture of Joel. (If anyone's intersted, and I doubt you are) Jk. Sort of. Mmm, just looked at picture of Nathan without shirt... dripping wet. That was nice. Knowing he's my boyfriend is even nicer. Abs... arms. Drool. Chocolate milk. Melt. In other awesomeness news, Candace is like this close (-) to being hired at shoppers. That would be the most cool of cool things. I would like... have an orgasm right now. Maybe not, but that's just how cool it is. Btw, Nathan sent me a cute e-mail. In case anyone was interested. I know you're not. Deal with it motherfuckers. Jk, I love you all.
music. stairway to heaven - led zeppelin





      Taking back the "i'm too good" one, that one's not true, but the rest of it still stands for now. In other news, my fricking alarm clock managed to get an hour ahead (yes I changed it for daylight savings) and so I just woke up after twelve hours of sleep instead of thirteen. Yes. I know that's disgusting. Found my cat knawing on my new cookie monster slippers. I was not pleased. They also ate my glasses which have now officially been missing for three weeks.
music. paranoid android - radiohead





      Just went for a walk to shoppers. Dan was working. Nathan called at ten, but I wasn't home. I felt like talking to Dan instead. So we talked about whatever, and how he didn't think we should be friends or hang out at all. Whatever he wants, that's cool. I told him to come to the staff party so I'd have someone to talk to, and also so he could get free drinks off Blair. Still not sure if he's gonna come. He should, even if he doesn't wanna hang out.

      Anyways, on the way home, I got to thinking about Nathan. By the way, before I start this, I should say that I'm actually in quite a good mood. Some of this I actually find funny in a sick sort of way. Anyways, I was thinking how could I know if he actually loves me this time? I have absolutely no way of knowing. I mean, he says he does, but he said he did before too. So pretty much, I guess he'll just have to find a way to prove it to me, because I find pretty much no reason to believe him.

      In fact, to be even more brutally honest. I don't really think he loves me. I think he loves the me he remembers. Unfortunatly, I'm not the same person I was last year. Whooaaa, I have changed a lot this year, kiddo. Like you wouldn't believe. Most of that is attributed to you, and I'm not saying that in good way either. Some of it's because of Dan, not saying that in a bad way, and some of it is just plain old growing up. So that's what I wonder right now. Does he love the me he doesn't really know at all, or does he love the me he remembers.

      I was also thinking, why the hell should I make this so easy for him? I mean, I fucking pined over him for like a year, and now he's back, and here I am, I've been waiting for you. When I'm really not sure if I haven't just been waiting for the Nathan I remember, which I know he is not. Just makes me think. Like, just wondering how he would feel if I just kind of ignored him, barely talked to him, didn't respond to his e-mails, never gave him a clear sign of how I felt, fuck off for like a couple months. See if he loves me like I loved him. And I'm serious when I say this isn't even out of anger. I'm not angry. I'm just beginning to wonder if I care as much as I thought I did. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. No guarentees.

      I mean, I guess I'm just really sick of being the one he knows he can come back to with no problems. Wondering why the hell should I let you back into my life so easily after you fucked around with me. Wondering (not out of selfishness or pride) if I'm too good for you. If maybe I just thought too lowly of myself. I mean, I'm not saying he's a bad kid, he's great. I just dunno if I feel like it. Wouldn't that be kinda funny. I pine over this kid for so long, only to decide I don't wanna be with him when he comes around. In conclusion, this entry isn't about anything more than what I'm thinking, the things I can't say out loud. They aren't meant to hurt anyone or to be of offense to anyone. Like I said, I'm not angry, I actually feel fucking awesome today. It feels good.
music. so cold - breaking benjamin





      Um, let's see. Today I woke up at noon and went shopping with mother for like THREE HOURS! Yes. In that time period, I found a sweet black firefly boarding jacket. What was even better was it was a boys size, so yea baby! No tax, and it was cheaper anyways! Being little has benefits. But yea, it's black and complete awesomeness. Now I just need some new gloves (and a helmut according to mom) and I'm set to go December ninth! Ahhhhh, snowboarding... so... soon. Must go immidiately. Man, I ate so many M&M's today. They were so good. Also, I had this awesome pork for dinner and pasta. Mmmm, my mother actually made dinner. It was awesome.

      In other news, the nathan doesn't like any of my music. What a fool. Hehehehe jk, we like some of the same stuff. He thinks emo should die, and well, let's just say I don't think I've even heard of half the stuff he likes. Whatever. Lalalalala, something I can't tell you for... two and a half weeks. I shall tell you then. In other other news, I found Kayley's christmas present today. May as well get going early? Also, I finally convinced her to come boarding with me, except now she wants me to buy her a board and boarding pants... no. Hahahhaa, woohoo! Oh right, and I dropped off my board today, so I need no more reminders. I shall be going when the mountain opens or asap there afterwards.
music. high and dry - radiohead





      Hmmm, I get a new jacket, courtesy of mom, who actually wants me to have a winter jacket. Some of you should find this hilarious, considering for the past five years, she's said that my little cropped jean jacket was enough to keep my warm when it snowed. Good times. I'm sure Janelle remembers me walking to school in a tee-shirt during the winter. Right-o, so I have tomorrow off and I will attempt to find a nice green boarding jacket at Sport check or something.

      I will also attempt to visit Janelle in the hospital. She's having surgery tomorrow and is a little scared, but I think everything will be fine, but I'll try to get there. We were talking about the last time we were in the hospital. Janelle used to be there quite a lot cause she's a hypochrondriac. Just kidding Janelle, although I used to think you were. The last time I was there was like six or seven years ago to see my dad when he was there for three months due to circumstances many of you know. Man that was weird. I don't remember it very well, but it was really weird seeing him like that.

      In other news, Nathan's gonna give me a call tonight, yay! Hehehe, I guess he just can't get enough of me. He should come down to visit. I think I'm going up next month and soon we shall be snowboarding. omg. People, harass me about getting my board waxed before my card runs out at Sport Mart. This is important! I'm not spending like thirty-five bucks when I can get it done for free! Snowboarding! Woohoo, I'm gonna go look at the snow cam.
music. tug-o-war - chevelle





      Well, today has been fun. I'm sitting here at Joel's house with Joel next to me, and I have just finished off one of his friendships with some ho. Hahahhaa, she got so pissed off and went on about how her brother was dying or something equally pathetic. Anyways, Joel felt bad so he said some equally lame things with the culmination being: "please find it in your heart to forgive me," or something pathetic like that. In other news, we just finished watched End of Days with Ah-nold. It would have been better with more boobs. Just kidding. If the dvd hadn't skipped so much. The first one was Joel's idea. He's looking at me and saying random unintelligble things right now. Now he's laughing. Running commentary.

      Ummm, I had poptarts again today. That was nice. OH! Hahaha, Joel came over to my g-parents house for dinner and they made him have like three helping, which I forgot about and then punched him in the stomach. "I then told you I was going to go to the washroom and vomit." That's what he just said about what he said when I punched him. Ummm, in other news, Dan hasn't blocked me, but isn't speaking to me. We'll see how long that lasts. Today I am wearing blue underwear. Oh right, I also drove down the Vic and made it here in like an hour and fifteen. In the rain. Joel says, "crazy." Now he's snorting/laughing. I've had to pee for like 6 hours now. I'm holding out. I think it's making me sneeze though. Which in turn, makes my uterus hurt? Joel pushed me off the chair and hurt my ankle today. He's laughing about it. ABUSIVE! I'm just kidding, that's terrible. He says, "I'm not Dan!" Hahahahaha, that is the most hilarious thing I have ever heard. I need making out. From the chair. Pillow. Yes.
music. vitamin r - chevelle





      Wow, I'm really tired today. I can't remember if I already posted? If not, I worked eight hours today. I just told Dan about Nathan. His response wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but pretty bad nonetheless. I'm really sad to lose a friend over this, but if that's the way it has to be, then I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I won't hide anything this time around. I'm done with that part of my life. At least I was on msn, he probably would have strangled me if it was in person. some of the things he said were:

      Nevermind. I was going to put some of the convo in here, but it's really big. So if you're truly intersted, you can check it out here: convo with dan. So yea, if you read that, that would about the just of it. It feels like my life is rewinding to last December. December third. That was the day Nathan dumped me and the day Dan asked if I had a boyfriend. One very fateful day I guess. omfg. I just realized something. Yea, I don't feel like talking about it on here right now. Well, at least everyone knows now. No more hiding anything. I can't take any of it back. That's ok. Something feels so different now. I just feel completely different. Like something in my life just suddenly disappeared. But it feels pretty good, so I think I'm gonna be ok.
music. you're a god - vertical horizon







      Lalala, I just got home from work. Enough of these eight hour shifts, they're so boring! So many asshole people. I had this one guy come in saying there was a digital camera on sale for $39.99, I laughed and asked if he was joking, which probably wasn't the best route, but anyways he got really mad and demanded to know why the camera wasn't on sale, and I showed him this weeks and next weeks flyer, and he finally told me that the sale was on in Calgary. omfg. I just wasted twenty minutes on this guy. The stores are idependantly owned! Argggh! Whatever, he was totally a prick, but I got to practice my sales pitch, so that was all good. I had him damn near convinced to buy a 3.2 mp. Woohoo! I am the camera mastah!

      In other news, tried really hard, but I couldn't get next weekend off :( So that's a no-go. It's really hard to switch shifts in osp! (the photolab) I only have like 3 co-workers. Anyways, I requested some time off the first week of December, so hopefully that works out. Said person should come down in two weeks. Yes, said person should! Ummm... worked on my website finally last night, go check it out and be cool and sign my guestbook tashalaughs.tk What else did I do? Oh right, hey my old journal's finally coming back up. The server it was on just kind of went off into a corner and died, so another company is taking over the journals, and I have four entries back so far! Eeeee! the tashma journal. I think that's all for now kids. I'm going down to vic tomorrow, have to meet some relatives. Should be back either tomorrow night or Sunday afternoon? Whatever, I know none of you will miss me anyways!
music. one-eighty by summer - tbs





      Well, I suppose I should get the good news out. I'm going out with Nathan. ....AHHHHHHHHHH!! Again! Finally! Dan is saying "I told you so" if he's reading this. He's also really mad, and that sucks, but I just can't let anything stand in my way, and I refuse to keep it under wraps. Um, so yea he we talked on the phone yesterday afternoon and figured some stuff out and caught up, and had a really good talk about us, and other things. Then we talked again yesterday evening for 5 hours!! We talked about everything and yea, everything. I don't think I shall go into detail. But things are looking up, I've got the only thing I ever wanted back. I guess the only downside is the frienships I'll lose for various reasons, and as much as these people mean to me, this is all I want, and I can't just not try. So to you Joel, I'm sorry, and Dan, I'm sorry, you were right. I doubt either of them will talk to me anymore. Well... Joel might because he's always been a super person. But I was horrible to him, so I guess it could go either way.

      So, if I can manage it, I'm gonna go up to Abby pretty soon, and maybe get a boarding trip organized. That'd be sweet. Boarding starts Dec. 9th! That's in a little more than a month! I'm extremely excited about it. Um in other not-so-interesting news... there was this creepy guy standing behind me when I was facing up some shelves today, and he eventually told me that he liked my shoes... I got really creeped out. Nice shoes, wanna.... ew. Men are perverts! I'm really hungry right now BUT THERE IS NO FOOD! No one buys food anymore and it's retarded. Like seriously now, there's some apple juice in the fridge... maybe a carrot and some old cheese. Not much of a meal. I could really go for some clam chowder right now. Hmm, I need someone to talk to... Frazer and I are chatting, but mostly about cows, weird al yankovich and yea really random things. Righto, so yea, I'm pretty happy for the most part. Things are looking up for the first time in a long time. This time... no more secrets.
music. one-eighty by summer - taking back sunday





      Merde. I almost blacked out in the shower today. Ugh, it felt terrible. I'm guessing it's the combination of really hot water and not having anything to eat today. Man, it feels so bad, I had to pretty much run to my room soaking wet and collapse on my bed. Haha, now my sheets and pillows are soaked. That's gotta be one of the worst feelings back in the world.

      In other wonderful news, something great has finally happened to me! Something spectacular! I'm so happy! We'll talk again tonight. Details to follow? Maybe, it all depends. Pizza's here!





      Candace is a crazy and sometimes stupidly hilarious person. Today when I asked her why she didn't have a poppy, she said, "why should I? I'm not a veteran!" Candace, Candace, Candace. In fifty years are people going to stop celebrating rememberence day because there are no more veterans? I hope not. For shame! A little later, Candace randomly brought up her recent bladder infection. And I quote, "It hurt to pee. It felt like I was peeing out fire." I actually had to write it down cause it was so damn funny. That's all for now. And don't worry Candace, I still love you, bladder infection or not!
music. dying in new brunswick - thursday





      Shit. I am such a sucker for you. I mean I don't know what you have to say, but I wouldn't dream of stopping you. I may be mad, but all I really want is an answer and not to be ignored. People like you just don't come around everyday. And I can't just wish people like you out of my life. There's things I wish you would say, but I don't think you will. There's things I wish I could tell you that I just might if you'll listen to me. If I can save anything, it would be a friendship that I never wanted to lose in the first place. You've always been someone I can tell anything to.

      To the people that read this post, understand it, and get angry. I don't want to hear it. I told my parents about the dent. My mom laughed and told me several stories about her accidents, and my dad didn't really seem to care. Well, I guess that's a good thing about apathetic parents. Insurance claims... now I have more things to worry about which I won't mention. I'm just really curious about what you have to say. Went to bluenotes today and talked to Michelle. She said Andrea (the manager i've been dealing with) has been sick and my paperwork isn't finished, so that's why I haven't had any hours. In more other news, Dan went to Van for two days, soo yea. I'm sure I can find something to do on my days off. Whatever, I'll probably just sleep a lot. I am so tired most of the time.

      lately i've been feeling like a falling bomb; the ground is getting closer, and the sky is falling down. this song has been brought to you, this song has been brought to you, this song has been brought to you by a falling bomb.
music. this song brought to you by a falling bomb - co&ca





      Today was uneventful? I worked from 9:45-2:15. This psycho came to pay at my till, and told me how some kids smashed a window in his truck, and how he caught them. He stayed for like five minutes telling me how he would have killed them if he was younger. (he was only like twenty-eight or something) He just went on and on and got angrier saying he didn't want to add anything else onto his criminal record, and I was trying to be funny and joke it off cause he was a freak, but he was just like "seriously, I would have killed them." It was weird/scary/funny. So basically I have a would-be killer in front of me saying how he would kill the kids if he saw them again. Right.

      Bought some new pants at West49 today. Baggy green khakis. My mom wants me to go down to Vic this weekend. I didn't really want to and I would have to go down by myself because I can't go down until Saturday, and they're going down on Friday, which means I would get gas money! Woohoo... I get to meet my mom's godfather. More angry Welsh people. I swear I'm not half Welsh. I'm just an angry drunken Irish...man. I want to go to Ireland. That would be sweet. And come back with an accent. That would be even better.

      In other news, I have eaten way too much Halloween candy and not nearly enough chocolate milk. I think I've only had like 500mL in three days. That's pretty much a miricle. I was trying to drink more water but then my mom bought apple juice... so yea. Apple juice. Dan isn't talking to me on MSN, bastard. I'm bored and want to do something, like drive down Shady Mile or something. Listen to some Coheed and Cambria. I really want the Thursday CD, but I went to Future Shop and HMV, and I am not paying more than fifteen bucks for it. And at both places, every CD was like eighteen to twenty-six bucks. Extortion. I'm going to the mall with Candace tomorrow. Do a little shopping. Check in at Bluenotes. I finally found out the manager's name! It's Michelle, so now I can go in if she's there and actually say, "hi Michelle, can I have some hours please?"

      In other other news, planning something for Geoff on the 20th. So Janelle, Alex, E-ran, Drew, and yes, Geoff, make sure you and your woman/man aren't busy that day. Bring some money, we're going to Montana's, unless someone's got a better idea. Pay for your own meal, blah blah blah, get Geoff something, etc. It's his birthday on the 18th, but I'm sure you knew that already. Yea I dunno, anyone else got any ideas?
music. hearshot kid disaster - coheed and cambria