Where do I begin? I cannot begin to describe the anger I feel. The most recent events of this week bring new meaning to the term, "could things get any worse?" At which point, a freak thunderstorm begins. I'm pretty sure my entire life is being destroyed by rumors. This entry may be an account of the worst events of my life. Censored of course, as usual, because I would never want you to know all the things that have happened to me. Joel, Brendan, Dan... I'm not talking to any of you right now, and all for different reasons. You're some of my closest friends and I can't even talk to you. Where do I begin?

      I can't even remember what I wrote in my previous post. Someone, while I was in Victoria, was saying things about me. Joel's parents didn't understand why I was coming to Victoria and spending time with him. They figured Joel felt bad that I had come all the way down, so he figured he had to spend time with me. They got worried because someone was telling them things that they assumed based on things they had seen. And so the rumor mill begins. Sound familiar? The reason why I stopped going to church? Suddenly I have some extremely worried parents on my hands. Does this sound like another incident? Yes, Nathan's parents panicked because they started hearing things about me, people started to assume things that weren't true, and it suddenly became increasingly hard to speak to Nathan. Joel, I don't need the same thing happening to you, but the similarities are beginning to scare me. So, I think it's best if I don't see you anymore or talk to you for a while.

      Brendan's been hearing things about me too... and he won't believe me when I say they're not true. People, even my friends, are believing things from people who don't know me. They're hearing these things, and beleiving them. I got so angry tonight with Brendan, it felt like a friend was turning his back on me, refusing to believe the one person who knew the truth, and beleiving other people who believe only what they hear. I told Brendan that the only way to resolve the rumors would be to stop going to Victoria and stop talking to the people who passed on the rumors, and the people the rumors were about. I know that doesn't sound like me... backing down. But from past experience, the longer I stay, the worse the rumors get. So that was the end of talking to Brendan and Joel. Goodbye to two of my friends.

      I was really upset after talking to Brendan. I decided to go out to Dan's house and try to relax, maybe play some games or something. I was already on the verge of tears, just because I was so stressed out. I got to the front door, rang the doorbell, and Dan's dad opened the door, and before I could say a word, he started yelling. I don't even remember what half of it was about. I just tried to stand there politely while forcing myself to not run out the door screaming. He went on and on about how work treats Dan like shit and about how he would like to kick my boss' ass and about how my mom (who works at the same store) should "shut her trap," and how she's the main reason why Dan gets into so much trouble. Now, I normally don't get along with my mom, and here I am getting mad, but at the same time, so scared that Dan's dad will verbally beat the shit out of me if I try to stand up to him. I want to tell him that my mom likes Dan, and while she does tend to be a large part of rumors, she wouldn't try to intentionally get Dan fired. But this huge man is standing in my face screaming at me, and I'm on the verge of tears, just wanting to go upstairs and rest. He finally sort of calms down and walks off, and I think I'm safe to go upstairs. That's when it gets even worse.

      Dan's mom comes down the stairs and starts getting all angry about Dan's work, then she starts in on this story about how she met one of my old fellow employees the other day. This guy, (DJ) technically still works at Shoppers, but he's on Workers Comp, so he hasn't been able to work for quite a long time. Somehow he still manages to know everything that's going on at the store. Rumor city galore. He tells Sue that I dumped Dan, am moving to Victoria, going to college, and "leaving Dan behind." Um well, I did dump Dan I suppose. I'm not moving to Victoria and I despise the thought of going to college. As for leaving Dan behind... he's one of my best friends, and I don't have a whole lot. How anyone at work would know this is beyond me. How DJ would know this blows my mind. So Sue is getting crazy mad at me for not telling her this stuff. And I'm just completely dumbfounded and not saying anything to defend myself. She starts rambling and I kind of just walked up the stairs into Dan's room and burst into tears. He asked me what's wrong and I don't even know where to begin. I tell him I want to go home and he says he'll come with me. I didn't really think about it.

      I walked down the stairs and out the door. Dan's mom freaks because I didn't say goodbye and rushes out the door after Dan. I don't know what he said but he was pissed off when he got in the car and she was back in the house. I started to drive and Dan starts yelling about his family. All I came here for was some peace and quiet, and now even Dan is yelling at me. It's not that I don't care. It's just at this particular moment, I feel like my entire life is collapsing and Dan doesn't seem to care. I think I blocked him out about two minutes into the drive. I just felt like my brain was going numb. I turned the car around and started to drive back to Dan's house. He starts screaming at me that he doesn't want to go home. When we got back to his house, he refused to get out of my car. I yelled and begged him to get out but he wouldn't. He was so angry I was afraid he would hit me again. Finally his mom came out and started banging on my window. I just did not give a shit. She starts screaming at me to talk to her, and like the car is shaking she's banging on the window so hard. I started really screaming at Dan to get out of my car, and he finally did, and I drove away.

      My head hurts so much from crying. I came home and I just didn't give a shit. I needed to write this out. My mom actually saw me and asked me what was up, so I spilled it all to her, and got a decent response. She didn't understand a lot of it, but I'll give her props for her attempt at caring about my life. In conclusion. I don't have a fucking clue what's going on. Brendan wouldn't stop calling me all night, and people in my house are under strict orders not to pick up on that number. I'll probably break Joel's heart by not talking to him, but I think that's the best way to go right now. And Dan just hates me, and is probably thinking of ways to kill me right now. I'm not even joking. When he got out of the car, he told me that I was weak and that I didn't understand pain and stress. That if i'd been in his shoes, I would have already killed myself. I don't pretend to know what his life is like, but he thinks he knows about mine. I just wish someone would take the time to listen. Heh, "when people think you're dying, they really listen to you instead of just waiting for their turn to speak." That says it all. But I don't need to talk anymore, and I have nothing more to say, so don't bother asking.
music. something i can never have - nine inch nails