This morning was work. I came in and everything was in dissaray. I was pretty pissed off about it. Whatever. Finished work around just after two, picked up Dan, bought Zoolander and the Matrix Reloaded. Dropped Dan off at work, watched movies, cleaned my room, I'm almost done now. Bought chocolate milk, saw Alyssa, she said we should hang out, I said that would be cool.

      I think my body's going into death mode. I feel crappy all the time, emotionally and physically. I never feel like doing anything, I'm always tired. Never feel ok, just fine. I've been trying to eat better lately, I get in at least a meal and a snack a day; I'm trying to make it healthier. I eat a salad usually, some chocolate milk. I think I had some noodles today at lunchtime. I'm not like anorexic or anything, I'm just not hungry very much. My sleep's not that bad I guess. I mean, the kittens wake me up a few times during the night, but just I never seem to feel ok ever. Being physically tired then makes me not want to think about anything.

      However, I was thinking today, what's wrong with me? Why do I attract the wrong guys. Too young, too old, abusive, emotionally unstable, the ones who turn their backs on me with no explanation... I guess, heh, I guess most of those stem from how you view yourself. Or so that's what I hear. I wouldn't be surprised. I'm not really down about it, maybe a little annoyed, but I'm kinda feeling like I don't really care/want anything to do with that aspect right now. It would just be pointless cause I'd get hurt again, or manage to hurt whoever. Or find some other way to fuck it up. Not trying to lay it on here, I'm just trying to be honest with myself. I probably shouldn't be with anyone cause I would do them more harm than good and vice versa. Can't help pining for the one that broke my heart though... will that ever end. I'm trying not to dwell on it, but it seriously doesn't go away.

      Are you ever just kind of doing something and you think, hey that would make a good little part of a movie? I do it all the time. I'm driving along, thinking something, and listening to a song, and I stop and think, that would be a beautiful scene. Does anyone else do that? Just stop and think that would be beautiful and I want people to see it? Tonight I was driving home listening to 'the new kid' by ender, a slow thoughtful song, and I passed a guy, probably about my age, and I wondered what his life was like. What does he feel, what are the secrets he never tells anyone. And then I thought, everyone I pass is like that. They have some life that no one knows about. They have some feeling that they don't know how to express. They have something in their life that no one else understands. And then I feel lost in a sea of people, and I feel like nothing, and I wonder if it matters, or if anything matters, if I matter. That's all I want in life I guess, to matter. To make a difference, to change the way someone thinks.

      I just burst into tears on the way home. Just, it scares me to think that I mean nothing in the world, that I don't mean anything especially important to anyone. Other people's problems are always going to be worse than mine, so no matter how bad I feel, I can never condone it because I don't matter. When the pain reaches so deep that I can't feel anything else... and to think that nobody cares because... because they just dont care, because I'm one insignifigant person who's in someone's life for god knows what reason. It's scary. And finally, when I've been feeling it so long, I start to feel numb, and a good day is when I feel 'fine,' and I don't remember what I felt like when I was happy. Or if I am happy or what. I probably sound like I'm rambling. So if that made any sense to anyone, I wouldn't mind knowing. It's nice to know I'm not crazy... I just need to find something, anything to hold on to. But then, sometimes, I don't even care anymore. As Geoff said, I am the epitimy of apathy.
music. the new kid - finch