Not feeling anyway particularly right now. Better to feel nothing at all, then be sad or angry I suppose. Listening to some Thursday... they kick some serious ass. Went shopping for a costume today. I was gonna go as old Victorian, but I couldn't find a good enough skirt, then I was gonna go as a lumberjack, but my dad threw out his plaid jacket. So eventually I went to work in my pajamas wearing my new toque and cookie monster slippers. They're super. I ate waffles today and other unhealthy foods. I made my own msn icon thing in photoshop. Lyrics from "one eighty by summer," by Taking Back Sunday. "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE HAPPY!?"

      Ugh, I backed into a large rock today (haha Dan-o) and yea, I have a nice dent in my bumper now. I haven't told my parents, and might put off doing so for as long as humanly possible. Hopefully they won't stab me multiple times with crayola safety scizzors or something nasty like that. Dan's saying I will inevitably fall in love again and go through all this shit again. I don't really want to think about that, and so, will make every possible attempt not to fall in love. Oh well, my mom just told me I'm not very likeable because I'm so angry and I have an attitude. Whatever. She says I'll never make it anywhere in the working world because basically I don't suck up to my asshole bosses.

Dying in New Brunswick

You told me on your birthday all the things that this place had done to you.
And in the streets you walk.
You hide your face because they don't believe that it's true.
They say it doesn't happen that often,
But it's happening right now.

I'm writing you this letter to let you know I'm not alright.
And in this city the streets are paved with hate.
And you cry yourself to sleep tonight.
And say "no, there aren't enough love songs in the sky."
You counted down the days till you could say "bye-bye, city, bye-bye."
You're walking down on Union.
You see the roads and know they're apart of you.

They say it doesnt happen that often,
But it's happening right now.

I'm writing you a second time
To let you know nothing here has changed.
The streets are still paved with hate.
So you can cry yourself to sleep tonight.

Will you look back on this night
As the day that ruined your life.
Will you look back on these city streets and say,
"Oh, God, where are you?"
In these city streets I hide my face.
I turn away when you look at me
And every night when I try and sleep.
I feel your hands all over my body.

You stripped away the street signs and shot out all the stop lights.
If you smashed away all the building what would you have left?
music. dying in new brunswick - thursday





      I swear to God I am done with relationships. FUCK YOU NATHAN. Whatever, that's what he wanted in the first place I guess. He can just go back to getting fucked by his fourteen year old girlfriends. I am now dedicating my life to having frivolous relationships that I am in for nothing more than entertainment and pleasure. Someone can even say they're in fucking love with you and still screw you over and not have the fucking guts to tell you because YEA, they are an immature little asshole.

      Hahaha, the next time he comes fucking crawling back to me with a p.o.s. letter, I'll use him again like I used him the first time. But that's ok Nathan, cause you fucked me over first. I need to get the hell out of here, move to England like my parents have suggested and live there for a few years. Live for nothing more than partying and pleasure. "Never fall in love... never fall in love again..." Hahaha, this all from Nathan Wishart who worked at a Bible camp all summer. Wow, what the fuck is with Christians. I'm quickly losing respect for ALL of them. Nathan, you're a fucking prick, but you already knew that. I should also mention that the entire time I was after you after prom, I was with Dan, so that just makes me a player I guess, just like you.

><>Candace<>< says:
have you talked to tasha lately?
Nathan (methed@gmail.com) says:
nope
><>Candace<>< says:
are you not wanting to?
Nathan (methed@gmail.com) says:
nope
><>Candace<>< says:
why nathan?
><>Candace<>< says:
she hasnt dont anything to you to upset you has she?
Nathan (methed@gmail.com) says:
nope im just done
><>Candace<>< says:
done with her?
><>Candace<>< says:
so you dont love her anymore?
Nathan (methed@gmail.com) says:
no
><>Candace<>< says:
man nathan she still loves you
><>Candace<>< says:
why dont you just tell her you dont love her anymore, that way she can get over you and get on with her life?
Nathan (methed@gmail.com) says:
she should figure that out
><>Candace<>< says:
nathan why are you being like this? she didnt hurt you
><>Candace<>< says:
you need to tell her man
Nathan (methed@gmail.com) says:
no im just gonna be immature and let her figure out when shes had enough
><>Candace<>< says:
wow.....
Nathan (methed@gmail.com) says:
she cant even stick up for herself, i dont want to have to
><>Candace<>< says:
why would you do this to her?
Nathan (methed@gmail.com) says:
i just dont care anymore
><>Candace<>< says:
you guys were so close and now you're killing her
Nathan (methed@gmail.com) says:
well she should get over it life goes on
><>Candace<>< says:
i cant believe i use to think you were a great guy, you're a jerk nathan!
><>Candace<>< says:
i cant believe you are doing this to her
Nathan (methed@gmail.com) says:
whatever peace
><>Candace<>< says:
nathan oh my gosh
><>Candace<>< says:
whats wrong with you?

      If there's one good thing about this, at least I don't have to worry about getting over him... considering I don't give a shit anymore. By the way how do I not stick up for myself by loving someone unconditionally? Whatever. Nathan, you never were the brightest one now were you?
music. last train home - lost prophets





      Take this pink ribbon off my eyes, I'm exposed and it's no big suprise, don't you think I know exactly where I stand!? This world is forcing me to hold your hand! Cause I'm a just a girl, don't let me out of your sight... I've had it up to here!

      Damn! Crap! MSN is down and I really wanted to have another "conversation" with Janelle and Joel. Awww they would be so cute together, J&J! Ok, so I'm a little lame. Man, I was so hyper all day. I think I scared Janelle when we went to the mall. I won't even tell you how much I spent, just that it was a lot. But I will tell you what I got... a black hot lacy dress with an awesome v-neck, a corset shirt, (hot hot!) some high loafahs, (said in Ah-nold) some skull earings, and some other random things, including the muchly anticipated keychain, "you're laughing because I'm different, I'm laughing because you're ugly." God, I love that one. I'm wearing my dress right now... I love it! Most likely later I will go downstaires and mad-dance to some No Doubt, because I am just that kind of person.

      In other news, Dan came to my window this morning at like 7:45 with... a BLT! Yay! I got a BLT and some chocolate milk before I had to go to work at 9:45. Hahaha, it's always funny when you wake up to your window opening, something falling into your room, and the smell of mickey dees! Anyways, I had to work for 8 hours today... I only got one break and I didn't get it until like... 6 hours into my shift. (one reason why I hate photo) Right at the end, this old guy came in with some really old photos and asked me if I could figure out which one was him. He had a HUGE nose, so it wasn't that hard. Then he made some comment about being a "looker" back then, and asked me if I agreed... I said yes, although his two brother were A LOT hotter. Hahahaha, good times. Why is it that all the guys in old photos are total babes!? WHY!? This confounds me completely. Damn it, someone come take me out somewhere fancy so I can wear my new dress! Anyone? God, I love this song. Mad dancing to follow.
music. just a girl - no doubt








      I got a roll of film through work today and they were mrs. luvisotto's pictures, my old band teacher from highschool. I printed them off and they were of a whole bunch of the female teachers from school either at a stripclub or at an event with stippers. So there were all these pictures of sexy black strippers in nice man thongs kissing the teachers and generally shaking ass in said teacher's faces. highlights: a stipper kissing ms. bell, another stipper shaking ass in mrs. macrae's face.

      Also at work, this woman came to my till with a lot of halloween candy and a box of condoms. The first thing she said was that she wasn't giving the condoms to kids at Halloween, although she thought it would be funny. We laughed for a quite a while about that one. In other news, so and so wants to be in a very forward relationship, and I'm not thinking very highly of it right now. Ugh, public relationships are just that... public. I went pre-shopping with mom and Kayley, and found like $250 worth of stuff that I want. Oh god, I get paid tomorrow. I can already see my money with little wings flying off into the sunset.
music. and i - boxcar racer





      I think I just ruined my chance to be truly happy because I was scared that it would turn out the same way it's turned out before with different people. Shit. Fuck. Crapdammit. Even when I'm trying to fix something, I manage to fuck it up. I think I made someone regret something that no one should ever have to regret. And they shouldn't regret it because it was awesome, wonderful, yes I'm talking to you. Hahaha, I can't stop thinking about it, but since I've managed to really screw it up now, well, let's just say I dunno where I'm going, but it's nowhere good. My only thing is I can not start out on a lie again. But it probably doesn't matter cause I dunno if I can go back and fix this or if I should, or even what I want in the long run. Man, I really fucked up on this one.
music. 1stp klsr - linkin park





      Where do I begin? I cannot begin to describe the anger I feel. The most recent events of this week bring new meaning to the term, "could things get any worse?" At which point, a freak thunderstorm begins. I'm pretty sure my entire life is being destroyed by rumors. This entry may be an account of the worst events of my life. Censored of course, as usual, because I would never want you to know all the things that have happened to me. Joel, Brendan, Dan... I'm not talking to any of you right now, and all for different reasons. You're some of my closest friends and I can't even talk to you. Where do I begin?

      I can't even remember what I wrote in my previous post. Someone, while I was in Victoria, was saying things about me. Joel's parents didn't understand why I was coming to Victoria and spending time with him. They figured Joel felt bad that I had come all the way down, so he figured he had to spend time with me. They got worried because someone was telling them things that they assumed based on things they had seen. And so the rumor mill begins. Sound familiar? The reason why I stopped going to church? Suddenly I have some extremely worried parents on my hands. Does this sound like another incident? Yes, Nathan's parents panicked because they started hearing things about me, people started to assume things that weren't true, and it suddenly became increasingly hard to speak to Nathan. Joel, I don't need the same thing happening to you, but the similarities are beginning to scare me. So, I think it's best if I don't see you anymore or talk to you for a while.

      Brendan's been hearing things about me too... and he won't believe me when I say they're not true. People, even my friends, are believing things from people who don't know me. They're hearing these things, and beleiving them. I got so angry tonight with Brendan, it felt like a friend was turning his back on me, refusing to believe the one person who knew the truth, and beleiving other people who believe only what they hear. I told Brendan that the only way to resolve the rumors would be to stop going to Victoria and stop talking to the people who passed on the rumors, and the people the rumors were about. I know that doesn't sound like me... backing down. But from past experience, the longer I stay, the worse the rumors get. So that was the end of talking to Brendan and Joel. Goodbye to two of my friends.

      I was really upset after talking to Brendan. I decided to go out to Dan's house and try to relax, maybe play some games or something. I was already on the verge of tears, just because I was so stressed out. I got to the front door, rang the doorbell, and Dan's dad opened the door, and before I could say a word, he started yelling. I don't even remember what half of it was about. I just tried to stand there politely while forcing myself to not run out the door screaming. He went on and on about how work treats Dan like shit and about how he would like to kick my boss' ass and about how my mom (who works at the same store) should "shut her trap," and how she's the main reason why Dan gets into so much trouble. Now, I normally don't get along with my mom, and here I am getting mad, but at the same time, so scared that Dan's dad will verbally beat the shit out of me if I try to stand up to him. I want to tell him that my mom likes Dan, and while she does tend to be a large part of rumors, she wouldn't try to intentionally get Dan fired. But this huge man is standing in my face screaming at me, and I'm on the verge of tears, just wanting to go upstairs and rest. He finally sort of calms down and walks off, and I think I'm safe to go upstairs. That's when it gets even worse.

      Dan's mom comes down the stairs and starts getting all angry about Dan's work, then she starts in on this story about how she met one of my old fellow employees the other day. This guy, (DJ) technically still works at Shoppers, but he's on Workers Comp, so he hasn't been able to work for quite a long time. Somehow he still manages to know everything that's going on at the store. Rumor city galore. He tells Sue that I dumped Dan, am moving to Victoria, going to college, and "leaving Dan behind." Um well, I did dump Dan I suppose. I'm not moving to Victoria and I despise the thought of going to college. As for leaving Dan behind... he's one of my best friends, and I don't have a whole lot. How anyone at work would know this is beyond me. How DJ would know this blows my mind. So Sue is getting crazy mad at me for not telling her this stuff. And I'm just completely dumbfounded and not saying anything to defend myself. She starts rambling and I kind of just walked up the stairs into Dan's room and burst into tears. He asked me what's wrong and I don't even know where to begin. I tell him I want to go home and he says he'll come with me. I didn't really think about it.

      I walked down the stairs and out the door. Dan's mom freaks because I didn't say goodbye and rushes out the door after Dan. I don't know what he said but he was pissed off when he got in the car and she was back in the house. I started to drive and Dan starts yelling about his family. All I came here for was some peace and quiet, and now even Dan is yelling at me. It's not that I don't care. It's just at this particular moment, I feel like my entire life is collapsing and Dan doesn't seem to care. I think I blocked him out about two minutes into the drive. I just felt like my brain was going numb. I turned the car around and started to drive back to Dan's house. He starts screaming at me that he doesn't want to go home. When we got back to his house, he refused to get out of my car. I yelled and begged him to get out but he wouldn't. He was so angry I was afraid he would hit me again. Finally his mom came out and started banging on my window. I just did not give a shit. She starts screaming at me to talk to her, and like the car is shaking she's banging on the window so hard. I started really screaming at Dan to get out of my car, and he finally did, and I drove away.

      My head hurts so much from crying. I came home and I just didn't give a shit. I needed to write this out. My mom actually saw me and asked me what was up, so I spilled it all to her, and got a decent response. She didn't understand a lot of it, but I'll give her props for her attempt at caring about my life. In conclusion. I don't have a fucking clue what's going on. Brendan wouldn't stop calling me all night, and people in my house are under strict orders not to pick up on that number. I'll probably break Joel's heart by not talking to him, but I think that's the best way to go right now. And Dan just hates me, and is probably thinking of ways to kill me right now. I'm not even joking. When he got out of the car, he told me that I was weak and that I didn't understand pain and stress. That if i'd been in his shoes, I would have already killed myself. I don't pretend to know what his life is like, but he thinks he knows about mine. I just wish someone would take the time to listen. Heh, "when people think you're dying, they really listen to you instead of just waiting for their turn to speak." That says it all. But I don't need to talk anymore, and I have nothing more to say, so don't bother asking.
music. something i can never have - nine inch nails





      I've turned off all the comments on my journal because I'm sick and tired of being lectured. Seriously, I write in here because it's what I feel. You should all know that. I'm not here looking for pity or reassurance. I don't want to post something that I just want to say, and come back only to be lectured by my friends that, "it's not so bad." Look, I'm not saying it is that bad ok? What I am saying though is that you do NOT know me. You do not know anything about me. Do not act like you can tell me that my life is great, if I would only look at it differantly. Do not try to tell me that wonderful things are happening to me every day, but I don't notice. YOU ARE NOT ME. And I am so fucking sick of people telling me that I'm wrong about my OWN fucking life. I do not tell you that your life is great because I have no fucking clue! Your life could suck, and if it does, well that sucks. But I'm not you, I can't fix it, maybe no one can fix it. Maybe terrible things have happened to you that I don't know about. I don't have overwhelming sympathy for you, in fact I probably don't have much at all, because I don't know your situation. I'm not asking for sympathy and I'm not asking for answers. I'm not asking for anything at all. No one is forcing you to read about my life and what I feel. You're reading this because you're curious. If you're curious, you most likely don't know me all that well. So quit being a shitty friend and acting like you do. If you know me well, you'll know it because I will have told you. Just because you spend one day with me out of one hundred... doesn't mean you know a single thing. I will let you see the outside, but you have no fucking idea what's really going through my head. You probably don't want to either. If you have a problem with what I say or feel... don't read it. Make a decision not to read this because it doesn't benefit you in any way. This is a general fuck you to most of my not-so-close friends.

      This however, is a general fuck you to the people that don't know me at all. I found out some great news today, one of my close friends that I actually like and enjoy talking to because she doesn't talk down to me, is intersted in Christianity. That's great news to me. So to you, friend, don't take what I'm about to say out of context. If you don't get it, talk to me, cause I wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea. I hate church and I hate a shit-load of Christians. That's strange, you may think.. Tasha, aren't you a Christian. Well, yes I am if you mean that I beleive in Jesus, and I think he's awesome, and love him with my all of my being. I'm not Christian if you think it means I go to church and love religion. I hate organized religion. I hate church so much. Here's why. I stopped going to church, because people who didn't know me at all would see something, assume something, and then tell everyone about it. My mother, who I don't have a close relationship with, for this very reason, would see something, misinterpret it, and tell everyone in the entire church. Inlcuding my friends, their parents, and the pastors. So, suddenly, my entire church has this warped view of me. They look down on me and I hear them whispering and I hear the stories that are going around about me. So, I stopped going to church, because I found that the way people acted there completely disgusted me. People I trusted suddenly didn't trust me, they listened to things that other people said about me. No one trusted me because one person exaggerated something here or took something out of context there. This didn't just happen one time... it happened many times. In conclusion, I don't go to church anymore. I went to Victoria this weekend and went to a youthgroup to pick a friend up. Someone apparently observed something, I don't know what, and started telling everyone that something was up between me and this guy. No one will listen to me. Even my friends are listening to someone who doesn't even know me. This is why I hate religion. Because MOST of the people I know involved in it give into worldly shit more than your average person does. So this is a giant FUCK YOU to everyone. And don't try to lecture me on this one. I won't pick up the phone.
music. wth>you - linkin park





      I just got back from watching the Grudge with Karl and Brendan... it was interesting. Kind of a lame story line, but the imagery was pretty creepy, but fortunatly, it doesn't seem to be sticking in my head, and that is definatly a good thing, since I am the only one here in this house tonight, (besides the borders, but I never see them) I need some chocolate milk so bad! I haven't had any since yesterday night! That was over twenty-four hours ago! Argh! Kayley left for Nanaimo this afternoon. But not before she bought me poptarts! Oh right, on the movie's previews, there was one for a movie called, "white noise," which looks super scary, and the other one was for "the ring two," which looks like my socks will fly off and hit the cinema screen, I will be so scared. Uh huh.

      In other news, I ran out of minutes for my phone, which isn't cool because that's the only number my Victoria homies know. Fortunatly Frandis and Michael were kind enough to bring me down a receipt for some minutes. So then I was back in business. Joel was over for the rest of the day, so we just basically watched tv, then went out and got some pizza, that's when B-ren called and I went to the movie. I'm sure Joel didn't mind since I spent the other two days with him. Wow, it's nice being on the computer after a scary movie and talking to my friends. Yes. Anyways, I didn't end up doing that Shelbourne street thing because I didn't leave Joel's house until late last night cause we were watching tv, and then his dad came down and got pissed at us cause it was so late. I think that's about it, I shall be travelling home tomorrow!
music. shiver - coldplay





      Well today was fairly uneventful. Um, Kayley and I went to the mall, and Kayley bought me a green and white baseball shirt which is total awesomeness. Then we frolicked accross the street to the Christian Book and Music where Joel was working and we said hey to him. Then he had to go buy a desk with his mom, so Kayley and I went back home and chilled out there for a while. Ummm, Joel and I dropped Kayley off at Dana's house and now we are being bored here at my grandparent's house.

      In other news, I was reading this story about how Shelbourne street is supposed to change to the way it was one hundred years ago in between two and three am on Sunday mornings leading up to Halloween, so I totally have to try that tonight. Ow ow ow, I'm allergic to metal with nickel in it, I think... so I can't wear anything with metal in it, or I get this not very cool rash. At the moment, I have a very painful series of bumps around my middle finger from this freaking p.o.s. ring i've been wearing. Well, that's it for now. I need chocolate milk, I haven't had any since yesterday sometime. That's a long freaking time if you know me.
music. rest in pieces - saliva





      Today's 8 hour day at work somehow managed to pass by relatively quickly. There was this old scruffy guy behind the counter looking at stuff when I came off my break... he said he was, "looking for me." Uh huh... right by the cameras right? Whatever, it's not my store. So then after work, Kayley and I went out and bought the Saliva CD, and then we headed down to Victoria, which only took us one hour and fifteen minutes. Nanaimo to Victoria. I won't say how fast we were going. Anyways, my grandparents are away, so we have this whole three story house to ourselves... and the borders, but they won't bother us. Wahoo!

      Right, so then I dropped Kayley off at Robb's house and I went to Oaklands to find Joel. (I found it no problem this time!) We stayed there for about an hour, and I had to play this game in the dark, which was interesting because I knew very few people and I didn't know my way around... and it was VERY dark. You know, as in the no light way? Righto, so then after that was over Joel and I hung out here for a while and watched the news because after Malcolm in the Middle, there was nothing else to watch. Kayley says she'll buy me lunch tomorrow, but I highly doubt i'll be awake in time, and anyways, I have my poptarts in the kitchen, so I'm good. As for now, I'm going to bed.
music. rest in pieces - saliva





      I've been working on the website for three days straight now, and it's still not done. I think I'll aim to have it done by Tuesday-Wednesday-ish. If you get what I mean. Um, today was uneventful. I ate some stuff, and I slept in until one. I got some pictures of the church grads printed off, worked on the website a whole damn lot. Now Dan's over and we're playing Spyro because we're lamers. I have't talked to Joel in three days. I think he's avoiding me hahaha. I really don't have much to say since not a whole lot is going on. For you faithful journal readers, I will give you a sneak peak of the site! You won't really care unless you're actually my friend though. www.searchmyroom.tk Enjoy! Oh, the quiz is all about Janelle, people.


scary beyond all reason!

what emperor's new groove character are you?
brought to you by Quizillamusic. rest in pieces - saliva






      I just got back from seeing 'Team America World Police," with Dan. It was the funniest movie I have ever seen. And to think Dan didn't even want to see it! Oh man, there wasn't even a best part... it was all just too insane. Here's what the paper had to say: "there's a scene in Team America: World Police where two members of the secret force of anti-terrorist fighters - an actor named Gary who was recruited as a spy from the Broadway play, "Lease," where he sang the hit song, "Everyone has AIDS," and a psychology expert named Lisa, who saw her previous lover shot by Arab terrorists just as he was proposing marraige - fall into bed together and have sex in every possible position. More, perhaps, because Gary and Lisa and marionettes, and so, while they have no genitalia, they are infinitely flexible, as long as the strings hold out." To say the least, it was awesome. I told my mom to go see it... that should be interesting.

      In other news, I had today off, so I worked on my new webpage which I shall unveil eventually, aka when it's done. It's pretty spiffin' I hear from people who have had the pleasure of a sneak preview. Spiffin. It just doesn't get much better than that. Ooh, guess what!?



which princess bride character are you?
brought to you by Quizillamusic. no phone - cake





      So tired... want bed... must blog. At work, Athena came up to me and I didn't notice until she started talking to me. She said she's walked by a few times and I'd been washing the counter for a good ten minutes in the same spot. She said she was scared cause it was like I was in a trance. Crazy. I must be tired. Even though I got like twelve hours last night. Work went by quickly... probably because I was like sleeping standing up or something.

      In other news, I had a realllly strange dream last night. I swear it's the chocolate milk. So I will try to recount it as best I can. Alright so, somehow I found out my dad had killed my mom and apparently no one else minded. So then somehow my dream rewound, and I knew my dad was going to kill my mom, so I warned her and then we were getting on this ferry to escape when the walkway blew up while we were on it, but only just in front of us. Then Joel was there and he was yelling, "don't worry, Tasha, I'll save you no matter what," or something like that. Anyways we were fine and we came running back off the walkway thing and then Joel kissed me because he was relieved that I was fine or something. And then somewhere in there, there was this part where I was in my backyard with someone and he introduced me to these two invisible people that I used to know from VBS when I was little...?? Apprently I had had a crush on the one named Roger, and you could only see them if you were touching them. Then we climbed a tree or something. Oh right and my mom and I got away and the walkway exploding was part of us faking our own death, and that's why my dad thought he had succeeded in killing my mom the first time around. Anyways, then we all went and lived on Saltspring Island or something. Me, mom, Joel, and Invisible Roger and his brother. And some other people too.
music. paranoid android - radiohead





      Woke up this morning only to desperatly want like twenty more minutes in bed, which wasn't going to happen cause I had to work at nine. The photolab was insanely busy today, it got pretty crazy around one. Fortunatly I was done at two. So then I finished cleaning my room, finally. Five days total hahaha, I should post a picuture so you can all see what it looks like when it's clean. Believe me, it doesn't happen often.

      Funny work story. This old guy wanted to use the KPM's, (kodak picture makers) and he stuck his tiny little memory card into the floppy disk hole. And it got stuck in there, and Jen had to get it out using her eyebrow tweezers. It was amusing. Old people just generally annoy me. In other news, I found a quilt and sheets for my bed at Walmart, they're pink and they have hawaiian flowers on them. Sweetness! I ran into Chris and Janice and we discussed seeing 'the grudge,' Chris is awesome, so is Janice. Which is good.

      Oh! I got the coolest underwear from Walmart today! I got six with full bum coverage! They say; "like, oh my gosh, gag me with a spoon!" "like totally, fer sure," and then some more kickass ones that look like rugby shirts... except they go on your bum. I think I have an underwear fetish. Anywho, that's all for today. Ran into Alyssa again, she said we should hang out later this week, that would be totally awesome. Waaaasted.

      Oh, guess who I saw the other day. Rylen. You know, the guy who was supposed to be in a car accident? I talked to him, and he was completely fine, was never in a coma, and didn't break anything. What the hell is wrong with people. How the hell do rumors get that bad? I'm trying to inform people cause I think an old friend is hurt and someone's just makin' shit up? That's retarded.
music. no phone - cake





      Ate salad again today. That's getting to be a routine. Bought some more drawers from Wal-Mart, but they were the wrong ones, which annoyed me greatly. In other news, I still feel bad today. Actually worse, just physically, I had bags under my eyes 'this morning.' Aka five pm. But everyone at work was saying how I didn't look good. Saw Dan after work. He was mad because I was acting "grumpy." I've explained to him several times now that I'm not, I just don't have the energy to bounce around and laugh. When we came back to my house, Dan sat around on MSN talking to Janelle and some others, so I went downstaires and phoned Joel and he ended up putting me in a decent mood, talking to anyone other than Dan will do that to you. Seriously, everything Dan has been saying lately is freaking derrogatory, he nags me about everything. So, of course, talking to someone else is going to make me happier. Anyways, so Dan came downstaires and saw me actually somewhat happier and started saying shit about Joel, so I got off the phone and Dan just keeps on saying stuff, and starts telling me to "look him in the eyes when he's talking to me." So I told him to go home, and find his own way to do so. Everyone's saying I need to stop hanging out with him. They're probably right, but it's become so much of a habit now. Of course, when he reads this, he won't wanna see me anyways, so that'll probably make it easier.
music. so cold - breaking benjamin





      This morning was work. I came in and everything was in dissaray. I was pretty pissed off about it. Whatever. Finished work around just after two, picked up Dan, bought Zoolander and the Matrix Reloaded. Dropped Dan off at work, watched movies, cleaned my room, I'm almost done now. Bought chocolate milk, saw Alyssa, she said we should hang out, I said that would be cool.

      I think my body's going into death mode. I feel crappy all the time, emotionally and physically. I never feel like doing anything, I'm always tired. Never feel ok, just fine. I've been trying to eat better lately, I get in at least a meal and a snack a day; I'm trying to make it healthier. I eat a salad usually, some chocolate milk. I think I had some noodles today at lunchtime. I'm not like anorexic or anything, I'm just not hungry very much. My sleep's not that bad I guess. I mean, the kittens wake me up a few times during the night, but just I never seem to feel ok ever. Being physically tired then makes me not want to think about anything.

      However, I was thinking today, what's wrong with me? Why do I attract the wrong guys. Too young, too old, abusive, emotionally unstable, the ones who turn their backs on me with no explanation... I guess, heh, I guess most of those stem from how you view yourself. Or so that's what I hear. I wouldn't be surprised. I'm not really down about it, maybe a little annoyed, but I'm kinda feeling like I don't really care/want anything to do with that aspect right now. It would just be pointless cause I'd get hurt again, or manage to hurt whoever. Or find some other way to fuck it up. Not trying to lay it on here, I'm just trying to be honest with myself. I probably shouldn't be with anyone cause I would do them more harm than good and vice versa. Can't help pining for the one that broke my heart though... will that ever end. I'm trying not to dwell on it, but it seriously doesn't go away.

      Are you ever just kind of doing something and you think, hey that would make a good little part of a movie? I do it all the time. I'm driving along, thinking something, and listening to a song, and I stop and think, that would be a beautiful scene. Does anyone else do that? Just stop and think that would be beautiful and I want people to see it? Tonight I was driving home listening to 'the new kid' by ender, a slow thoughtful song, and I passed a guy, probably about my age, and I wondered what his life was like. What does he feel, what are the secrets he never tells anyone. And then I thought, everyone I pass is like that. They have some life that no one knows about. They have some feeling that they don't know how to express. They have something in their life that no one else understands. And then I feel lost in a sea of people, and I feel like nothing, and I wonder if it matters, or if anything matters, if I matter. That's all I want in life I guess, to matter. To make a difference, to change the way someone thinks.

      I just burst into tears on the way home. Just, it scares me to think that I mean nothing in the world, that I don't mean anything especially important to anyone. Other people's problems are always going to be worse than mine, so no matter how bad I feel, I can never condone it because I don't matter. When the pain reaches so deep that I can't feel anything else... and to think that nobody cares because... because they just dont care, because I'm one insignifigant person who's in someone's life for god knows what reason. It's scary. And finally, when I've been feeling it so long, I start to feel numb, and a good day is when I feel 'fine,' and I don't remember what I felt like when I was happy. Or if I am happy or what. I probably sound like I'm rambling. So if that made any sense to anyone, I wouldn't mind knowing. It's nice to know I'm not crazy... I just need to find something, anything to hold on to. But then, sometimes, I don't even care anymore. As Geoff said, I am the epitimy of apathy.
music. the new kid - finch





      I really love the movie, 'Donnie Darko.' I just watched it again today and then I tried to get into the website, but my internet is crap-ass and won't let me get pop-ups and stuff. Lame-o. I was reading a Donnie Darko forum, and the theories these people have on the movie are insane. Like, I thought I understood it, but I was nowhere close. In other news, my cat is eating pouperi, (??) I should probably go stop it before it dies.
music. so cold - breaking benjamin





      In today's news, I had the day off. I had a salad for lunch, bought the newest Papa Roach CD, bought some furniture for my room, slept for a total of seventeen hours including last night... forgot to talk to Joel, so he sent me some pathetic e-mails that said, "taaaasha, where are you!?" And that's about it. Just finished watching 'the day after tomorrow,' which was pretty cool. Jake Gyllenhaal is a babe. And saw a preview for 'mr and mrs smith,' which looks like awesomeness. Annnd I got a Blink 182 poster which rocks my pants off. Oh, and I saw a 'puss in boots' poster, but I can't remember who was obsessed with puss in boots. I think it was Brianna. Brianna! Was it you!?
music. getting away with murder - papa roach





      Why is everyday so completely uneventful! I have tomorrow off! Yay! Although, Bluenotes might call me in, so you never know. Highlights of the day were: My mom saying I would get fired if a customer reported me to my boss for tossing my mom some paper towels. Also, an old Welsh man that was staring at my chest. Crazy Welsh people. Currently I am at, where else, Dan's. I just ate salad and a snickers! And now I am eating Dan's potatoes. Then we are going to watch 'the day after tomorrow.' That's all I've done for the past 3 nights is watch movies. This is my pathetic existance. I think Dan is having chicken n' potatoes orgasms. He sure looks like it. Mike's is sitting next to me... want... mmm. In other news, I am wearing my hair up.
music. getting away with murder - papa roach





      In sports action news, I am rearranging my room because it makes it more interesting to do so every once in a while. ALSO! I am listening to 'getting away with murder,' by papa roach because it is complete awesomeness. I have also come to the conclusion that I need some more furniture because my room is so big and empty! Awww my kittens are all snuggled up on the couch. Oh and Dan, thanks for last night eh? *wink wink, nudge nudge* In other news... nothing is happening. Why isn't Joel on msn for our nightly chat!? He probably hates me and wants me to die. Or maybe he's busy.
music. getting away with murder - papa roach





      Work today was fairly uneventful, except for the annoying woman with the man voice who's doing babyphotos right outside the mall doors... which is where I just so happen to be working for the next four days. She has the most annoying man laugh ever. Seriously now, Michelle and I were laughing about it all day. It does start to drive you crazy after say... two minutes. I think her favourite sayings are (in baby talk) "did you bite me!?" and "mom, he bit me!" Her favourite joke, which I must have heard like a million times, was "Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? To find Pooh!" Anyways the kids didn't get it, so she had to explain the difference between poo and Winnie ther Poo. And yes, it is "ther."

      In other interesting news, I had a salad for lunch. Also, watched 'Gothika' last night. I probably peed myself like 10 times. Not really. But it was alrighty, a good mystery which a surprise ending. I think Dan-o and I are watching Farenheit 9/11 tonight. Chris wants me, Dan, and Janice to go see a movie sometime, so that'd be cool... you know, actually going out and doing something like a normal person. Well, I'm going to go clean my room and listen to Billy Talent or Blink or Papa Roach or something. Whatever.
music. born with nothing, die with everything - papa roach





      So, I'm woken up this morning not by Dan bringing me breaky in bed, which he said he'd do, mmm BLT and chocolate milk. But no, by Shoppers "asking" (telling) me to come into work in 45 minutes aka ten o'clock. I was supposed to work at 1:45, but now I was facing an 8 1/2 hour day. Well, I went in and was stuck on the backcash (hell) for 7 hours, then I was supposed to shut down photo. Well, I got this really bitchy customer who wanted a cash refund for $170.00 for her camera because she "didn't like it." God, she was such a bitch. That was already fifteen minutes after I was supposed to be gone. I ended up working nine hours because of this stupid customer. I should have told her to "forcibly insert the camera into her anus." aka shove it up her ass.
music. decompression period - papa roach





      Crap, I just found out one of my friends from elementry school that I just gratuated with, Rylen Shiels, was in a car accident on Saturday. Bailey told me he was drunk and was supposed to be following Joe home, but he gunned it to 120kph and lost control of the car. He flew through the windsheild and broke seventy-five percent of the bones in his body I think. He's in the hospital and has been in a coma twice. The doctors won't be able to tell if he has brain damage until the swelling goes down. So, even though I don't know him that well, everyone pray for Rylen. This is the scary part of life, where terrible things start to happen to people I know or knew.
music. stockholm syndrome - blink 182





      Someone asked me once why I changed my name on msn so much, and why it's always lyrics. I told them that it's always exactly how I feel... in song. So you can pretty much always tell how I'm feeling just by looking at my name. Handy, isn't it? If I had my way, whenever i wanted to say anything to anyone, I would just start rambling lyrics from songs. If I wanted to yell at someone, maybe some Linkin Park would come out, or if I was really sad, maybe Ender. However, if you were to come up to me right now and ask how I was, I might say something like this, actually I might shout something like this:

This is the first thing I remember, now it's the last thing left on my mind... i'm so lost, i'm barely here, I wish I could explain myself, but words escape me. It's too late to save me, you're too late, you're too late.

music. stockholm syndrome - blink 182