It's been nearly a year since Nathan and I broke up. Well, seeing him in April helped. Then he went away for the entire summer to work at a camp. He said we'd talk about him and I when he got home, but no word. No answers to my e-mails, I don't have his phone number, I don't even know his address. I can't get him off of my mind. I try not to think about him because it actually hurts and I can't think straight. But I dream about him and think about him all the time. I remember everything we did together. I can't bare the thought that he doesn't even ever think about me, that I'm just some part of his past now. I can't bare to think of him being with someone else.

      I just want to talk to him, to get everything out in the open. He knows I still love him, so why does he have to leave me hanging like this. I haven't said anything this blatantly about him in my journal in months. I was afraid of hurting other people's feelings, people who mean a lot to me. But I'm just sick of pretending everything is fine. Everything is not fine. I'm so in love it hurts, and it's like he doesn't remember anything about me, or I mean nothing to him. I tried to move on, honest to God, but then there he was, back in my life, and I haven't been able to shake him since then. It would be easier if only I knew how he felt. If he just told me he didn't love me... I would be crushed, but at least I wouldn't have to wonder anymore. I can't bare this not knowing. Not knowing if he wonders about me too. I messed things up so badly, I know that, I really screwed up. Just why can't this work out for me. Nathan, I just want to talk to you.

      I really get scared when it feels like I can't feel anything in my life. Like nothing's really happening or nothing matters and the only thing that still makes me feel anything is you. When everything I say or do is like an act, you're the one thing that makes me hurt. If you're reading this, and I guess that's the only reason I wrote it, I really miss you. I need to talk to you so badly. Whenever it's clear out and you can see the stars, I always look for the big dipper and think of you... and I always have to wonder if maybe you're thinking of me too.
music. yes - stavesacre