Almost all of my friends leave me at sometime. No names, but I dunno if I could keep on if a few of the ones I have now were gone. Dan's sorry. We're all sorry. But he won't leave me now. One more person who won't leave me.

everyone I know goes away in the end
music. hurt - nin





      Hey! Everyone wanna hear what just happened!? Well, Dan came over without my knowing. I'm really tired from being sick and school, so I'm not feeling up to very much. So I'm kinda just sitting on the computer, and Dan's doing whatever downstaires, then he goes outside and does whatever.

      So he comes back in almost completely soaked from "diving" in the lake, and Alyssa and I were teasing him, but not trying to be mean or anything. So ten minutes later he comes upstaires and I go halfway downstaires to talk to him and he shoves me hard into the wall, and I mean hard, like he was actually trying to hurt me. I thought he was joking even though he pushed me.

      So he follows me upstaires and starts yelling at me about what a "bitch" I am, and how I'm selfish and about Nathan and other stuff I don't really remember. Going on about how he's gonna devote his whole life to making me miserable and such, and he wants to like actually physically hurt me.

      That's when Alyssa lit into him, and started yelling at him. She was nice at first, saying to calm down. Then she told him to get out of the house and never talk to me again. When he went out the door, I told her he pushed me and she ran outside and screamed at him never to touch me, see me, talk to me again. It was quite the spectacle.

      Anyways, at one point, he said that I had said that I would always be his friend NO MATTER WHAT. And how I was a liar and how I break promises. So I just emailed him after he went off at me on MSN and blocked me, and told him he was turning into his mother. Anyways, so there, he broke HIS promise by actually PHYSICALLY hurting me. And that for me is pretty much close to or the last straw.

      Whatever, I don't need to be emotionally and physically tortured by him.





BUT LONG BEFORE, HAVING HURT, I'D SEND THE PAIN BELOW! I'D SEND THE PAIN BELOW... MUCH LIKE SUFFOCATING!

      Man, I really need Nathan to come down. This whole thing is hurting so much that it's actually turning into physical pain. This is the first time I've had this much physical pain over him. I need him to come down here next month. I don't know what I'm gonna do if he can't come. Like this is the one thing we've planned for over a year. It has to happen. I'm gonna be a wreck if it doesn't. I will go up and get him if I have to.





      Well... some interesting (retarded) things happened like two days ago. Dan came over and we chatted and such and he was supposed to go to work that day but he called in sick (he was ACTUALLY sick) and Roger called me to go into work, but I didn't go to school that morning, so I didn't go either. So. Dan's parents thought he was going to work because he told them he was cause otherwise he wouldn't have been able to come over.

      So, around midnight, Dan's dad called my house and started going off at me about how Dan was supposed to be at work and did I know anything about it. So I told him Dan had been at my house, but that he was on his way home. Anyways. So, needless to say, his dad raged on me and it was great. Not really.

      Next part. Five minutes later, I get another call. This time it's from his mom, who's insane drunk and I swear to God, she hates my guts or something. Dan says she doesn't but yea... I'll believe it when she... no wait, I'll never believe it. So she went crazy on me and I was trying to be polite, but it was hard cause I was crying and she was calling me an idiot and my friends idiots and how could I treat her son like I did and so and so on. (All this because he didn't go to work)

      Other things she talked about. When some *random* person called the cops on some *other random* person, she says I tarnished their family's name in the community and almost gave her a heart attack. I don't really care, but ok. No offense (offense, actually) but you didn't exactly have an outstanding reputation before. I highly doubt I did much to change what people on your street think of you.

      Right, so she says "You know my son's in love with you," and I said yea, and she couldn't understand that we're just friends and why I would still hang out with him. I asked her if one of my friends started liking me, was I supposed to start ignoring them? Yea, she just yelled at me after that, going on about how Dan came dress shopping with me for Prom and how he wasn't my date and how horibble I was for "leading him on." When I made it quite clear that friends go to the mall all the time. Sorry, next time I'll go by myself.

      I'm quite calm now, but just writing this is making me angry again. I finally went upstairs after she called for the third time and started saying that Dan had lost his job and that she hoped I lost mine too. (How she thought she figured this out at midnight, I'm not sure, but both our jobs are fine.) Anyways, the last time she called back, Dan had gotten home and got the phone away from her. She however, proceeded to call ever fifteen minutes until around 3:45 am. That was pretty annoying. She left messages on our machine like "Dan's lost his job and I hope you're happy."

      Oh, this was the best line. She was trying to be all dramatic with me, so right before she hung up on me, (yes that's right, a sixty something year old hung up on me!) she said, "I hope you enjoy your prom with your Bible camp friend!" She said it all sarcastically too... it was actually kinda funny if I hadn't been so shocked, I might have laughed. Hahaha, you know you've got no grounds for yelling at me when you sink so low as to insult my religion. Needless to say, I won't be going to Dan's house... ever again.

      So, anyways, Dan's mom says in one of her messages that she's going to call Shoppers tomorrow and talk to Roger (my and Dan's boss) about our jobs blah blah blah... so my mom (who also works there) went into work that morning and told Roger the whole TRUE story first and by the time Dan's mom called, everything was fine. Roger just humored her and rolled his eyes a few times. It was great.

      Last part of the story! Yesterday, which was the day after all these incidents, Dan's mom came into the store while both Dan and I were working. Fortunatly, she didn't know I was working, and that was good because although I was practically shaking behind my till, praying she wouldn't see me, if she had started getting testy with me, I woulda told her to screw off or stay away from me or something. That woulda been something to see. Anyways, Dan yelled at her about "slandering my name." Nice choice of words there Danny haha :) And he made her leave the store and she never even knew I was there. Oh and he told her never to call our house again because my mom had blocked their number. She hasn't really but we've got two rings and call display so Dan'll call on the line his parents don't know about if he wants to call. Hahaha, man I wonder if his family dislikes my family as much as mine dislike his. Probably.

      When I talked to Dan later that night, he told me his mom was (actually sober) crying and stuff because he told her what she said to me when she was drunk and she couldn't believe she said any of it. Hahaha, I hope she feels guilty. I probably seem really mean towards this woman. But honestly, she made my life a living hell to the point where I was blaming myself for everyone else's problems. So I was a mess for two days, but Dan has had to live with that his whole life. I think if I ever I had reason to hate someone, this would be it.

      That's about the whole damn story so I don't have to explain it to everyone. I think I got everything in there. It was pretty harsh and that would be why the last two days have not been good ones. I'll be happy if I never have to see either of Dan's parents again. Dan doesn't have "car privleges" anymore, so we can't hang out as much, but whatever, what can you do?





      Hey, haven't written in a while. Hmm any new news? Yep, i exchanged my ugly pink dress for a nice purple one... it's awesome! it's got some straps in the back kinda like a corest :) I lurve it. I finally called Nathan two days ago and he wasn't home so I talked to his mum for a minute which was alright. So I called again yesterday after school and we ended up talking for an hour and a half. So he's still planning on coming. So it would be nice to see him again, so I hope that works out.

      So Alyssa and Tim are coming to Prom now too. It's gonna be so awesome! I'm so excited. We started tanning last night and that was sooo nice! We got hair appointments on the 24th and Alyssa's probably getting her dress sometime this week. We're gonna find shoes and blah blah blah, and I'm gonna get some purple barbell earings! And then we're gonna go to the beach and hang out :) So much fun! All exactly one month away!





      I was just talking to Saskia and I asked about Nathan, cause ffs, she would know, she's his friggn sister. I even apologized for asking... I probably wouldn't want to talk about my sister a lot. But I just wanted to know one thing. Frick, she told me she didn't care. Well, sorry, actually no, I'm not. This whole thing is turning me into a wreck. Know what would be funny? If I went and killed myself to see if they all felt bad for treating me like sh*t. Haha, that'd be great, wouldn't it! You'd finally feel bad for treating me like this and I would have my revenge. And I'd laugh while everyone cried. But I would feel bad if I hurt the one person I didn't want to. Sorry you had to read that D.O. But then again, I could care less. Ugh. I'm a loser.

Forget me, it's that simple!
music. taking back sunday





      I dyed Dan's hair black. It looks awesome. That's right. Awesome.





      What am I supposed to think when Nathan randomly stops talking to me. We finally started talking again last month, and things were going really well. Now, I haven't talked to him two weeks and I don't know what to think. Does he think that by not talking to me, I'll somehow "take the hint" or something? Does he have another girlfriend? Argh, for once, please please just tell me what's going on, I've never loved anyone so deeply as you, and I've never hurt over someone as much as I have for you. And all the while, I miss you and I love you more than I can say....





Your Own Disaster

Just think of this and me
as just a few of many things
to lie around
to clutter up your shelves
And I wish you weren't worth the wait
because there's some thing's
I'd like to say to you...

I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Cause I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing

I dare you to forget
those marks you left
across my neck
from those nights when we were both
found at our best
I could make this obvious,
and you, you could deny me
all in one breath
you could shrug me off
your shoulders...

I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Cause I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing

Hey, lush, have fun
It's the weekend
Hey, lush, have fun

I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing

Just forget me
it's that simple
Just forget me
it's that simple





      I just started crying for no reason. Well... kinda. Why aren't you talking to me?





      Do you ever do something, cause right then and there, you really want to, and you convince yourself that it's right... KNOWING that later you won't think the same? Then you're disgusted with yourself later... KNOWING it's no one else's fault, and that you are a complete jerk? And you can't answer yes or no to questions, cause right then you want to say yes, but in the long run, saying yes would be a lie? You don't? Oh, me neither...

      If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar! I have nothing else to say, but lots to think about.





      Argh... hurting, hurting so bad. But I've gotta do the 'mature' thing and keep it all inside. Oh man, hurting so bad. Where are you? Why aren't you talking to me again? Pretend it's ok. Pretend it's ok. Pretending it's ok. Still Hurting.

      Everything I learned about breaking hearts, I learned from you... Crap. I think I promised today not to keep it in.





      Well, at least I now know Nathan's still alive. I asked him if we were good, and he said yea, but he was being pretty distant. Then his friend said some stuff while Nathan was away... and that hurt. Maybe his friend actually knew who I was...? Anyways, that was kind of depressing, and if I didn't know things were ok now, I would kinda wish I hadn't talked to him at all, all I'm saying is I wish it was a better conversation. I've had a bad day. Yea... I think I'll go shopping tomorrow, I get paid and I worked a whole bunch, so I'm gonna blow it all cause I've got nothing better to do. Love hurts. As usual, sorry you gotta read this junk D.O.

      But yea, as a highlight, at least I'm pretty sure now that he doesn't hate me. He said he hasn't talked cause he's been grounded from the comp for being out late. I worry too much, although some would say I have reason to worry about stuff like this. But some... some just wouldn't care. I think I'm having one of those I don't care days. I'm going to stop writing now because I don't care.





      Maybe I'm just looking too much into this... but if I'm not then maybe I'd say something like this: (Thanx Elizabeth for introducing me to Taking Back Sunday :)

You're So Last Summer

She said
"don't, don't let it go to your head
Boys like you are a dime a dozen,
Boys like you are a dime a dozen"
She said
"you're a touch overrated,
you're a lush and I hate it
but these grass stains on my knees
they won't mean a thing"

And all I (all I)
Need to know (need to know)
Is that I'm somethin you'll be missin
(is that I'm somethin that you're missin)
(maybe I should hate for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
(maybe I should hate for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that...

I'd never lie to you
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to
Unless I had to
I'll do what I go to, the truth
is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleedin on your shirt

And all I (all I)
Need to know (need to know)
Is that I'm somethin you'll be missin
(is that I'm somethin that you're missin)
(maybe I should hate for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
(maybe I should hate for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that...

Cuase I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This'll be last chance you get to drop my name
Cuase I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This'll be last chance you get to drop my name

If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar





      When I say stop, I mean stop. When I say no, I mean no. Beyond that... I have no control.





      Whee! I made a new webpage! It's perty, so go look at it, and sign the non existant guest book that... doesn't exist yet!





      I slept all day. Didn't get picked up from school as usual, but hey, I'm not complaining. So yea, lyrics time. I felt like I was going to throw up all day, but maybe that's just from lack of sleep.

Completely Miserable

You make me come
You make me complete
You make me completely miserable

Stuck to a chair
Watchin' this story about me
Everything goes by so fast
Making my head spin
Used up all of my friends
Who needs them when you mean everything

I love the things that we should fear
I'm not afraid of being here
So much the same
It makes me helpless alone
Nothing to share
Why should I care if your near me
Give up all of my plans
But who needs them
When you mean everthing

I love the things that we should fear
I'm not afraid of being here
So much the same
You make me helpless alone

Yeah, yeah..You make me come
Yeah, yeah..You make me complete
Yeah, yeah..You make me completely miserable

I love the things that we should fear
I'm not afraid of being here
So much the same
It makes me helpless alone

You make me come
You make me complete
You make me completely miserable

Yeah, yeah..You make me come
Yeah, yeah..You make me complete
Yeah, yeah..You make me completely miserable





      ...Ugh. I can't even last 2 weeks. NO, I don't feel guilty, it's something else. Argh.