Ok, this is gonna be hard cause I don't know how to get this feeling into writing. Like, you know how I always listen to music that describes the way I feel? I can't think of a song that does right now, so I'm just sticking with Ender, it's close.

      I don't know what really got me like this. I think it was this song Jay was playing in writing. He brought his guitar and sang the most beautiful song I have ever heard. Right up there with Ender. It was called 'Passing Out.' He wrote it himself. I remember some of the lyrics were:

      "All I ever wanted was to hold your hand... you said you could never love another... what a lie."

      It just worked so well, I just sat there, not doing anything or feeling or thinking. I still don't know how to describe it but to say what I felt or was thinking. I was numb and depressed at the same time. I don't know why it came to mind, but "cut myself to see if I still feel..." finally meant something to me. I don't even know where that's from, it was just in my head.

      I felt like that guy in Radiohead's Just video. He's just lying on the middle of the sidewalk and people are asking him what's wrong, and he just keeps saying, "go away, you don't want to know." That's how it feels. I wanted to lie down on the side of the road or in the snow and just lie there and be... nothing. How can I describe something that felt nothing.

      I wanted to hang off the overpass by my fingers and see if I was scared. I wanted to jump in front of traffic and see if I felt anything. Maybe get hit and see if it hurt, or if anyone would care. I don't know if i meant that... I know people would care. But would it be fake, more like curiosity? I don't know how else to put it into words.

      I mean, I know why I feel like this. It comes down to Nathan, of course. I really really understand what a broken heart feels like now. Some of my friends are just telling me to snap out of it... maybe they don't understand. They say I'm overreacting, but I just can't help the way I feel. Alyssa was telling me that, and I just asked her what if it was Tim. She shut-up after that. It changes things when you put it into people's perspectives.

      Here I am beside myself again, I'm torn apart by words that you have said. And all in all, I know we're falling apart. Where did you run to so far away? And here we are to sing you a song, and there you are asleep against the window pane, just like always. You said you like to hear the rain sometimes, and all I can do is tell you the truth, or my eyes will tell you the same. Clasp our hands together, we feel we are one result!

      That song's crazy, I don't know how many times I've listened to it. Amazing lyrics... amazing song. That was Ender by the way. Sometimes I wonder if anyone actually reads this and what they think. I don't care what people think, I'm just curious if maybe they know what I'm talking about.

      I just wish I could feel something. Feel alive. I was thinking of myself jumping out of a plane and feeling nothing. No excitement or exhileration because what I feel now is so much stronger than that. Does that make sense? I can't feel anything else cause what I feel now is too strong. I feel like I need to break out of this routine. Everything's always the same... I want to just go to Mission, stand on Nathan's doorstep and see what he says. Not in anger or pity or anything. Just to feel nothing and see if he can change it.

      I don't know if that made any sense. It did to me. But that's ok, I don't write these words for other people, I write them for me. But if someone understands something bigger because of it, then... then, I'm not alone. I don't know. I wish I could write music like Jay does. I wish I could tell those people that what they did spoke to me, man, it moved me. It was like my feelings in someone else in a beautiful way. I wish I could do that. I'm not good with words. I feel like attempting to write a song though... I need to feel something real again... Maybe, if you're reading this, just leave me a comment and say you did, just so I know. I'm so curious to see who reads this stuff. Don't say anything else but that you read it.