I'm going snowboarding on the 6th! Ahh Ahh Ahh! I worked tonight, but I haven't had my review thing for work yet. They'll probably say that I'm horrible and will be fired asap. Either that or they'll say I'm doing fine. I'm very unsure.

      The following is on my friend, Luke's profile. I want to put it in here to immortalize it cause I think it's so funny. Or maybe I'm just crazy. I'm very unsure. I smell like deoderant. Sick. Nevermind, Alyssa put a glade thing in the garbage cause it was bad. And I mean bad. (In a bad kind of way)
Anyways, Luke's thing:

      "Also, I invented Splat the Wonder Squirrel. And if you don't know who Splat is then you suck. And you're unpopular. And ugly. "

      "I like Beast from the X-Men. He's almost as cool as Jesus, except for the whole dying for humanity thing. Beast hasn't quite covered that yet."

      "For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you."

      And then there's the T-shirt I saw at Thrifteys that I want. It has Hello Kitty on it and it says: "Sticks and stones may break my bones....
... But you're ugly."

      I might be a little hyper right now. I'm quite unsure. I'm wearing pants. Oh, Zach's gonna give me his Dixon CD. Wanna know why? Cause he's cool. That's why. Except Him, Alyssa, Tim, Ben, and Ryan are out without me... because I suck. And I'm unpopular. And ugly.





      You're right, I don't want it to end like this. But I also don't want to have it happen over and over and over again. I am so sick of being hurt. What did I do wrong this time, Dad, Mom, Nathan, Dan? What did I do to make you do this to me? I hate being hurt, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I HATE BEING HURT.





      "I haven't gotten to the point yet where I can swallow my pride and say sorry" Why would you even bother saying that? You shouldn't have to be sorry. You shouldn't have done anything to make you have to be sorry. But since you did... I don't care. You know? I really really don't care anymore. So save me in my life, just hold on...





      Sometimes I wish that I was all alone, that I didn't know anyone. Then, I would never know heartbreak or hurt, I would learn it all through music. I'm sick and all over feeling like crap today. I'm trying to be talkative with Dan and he just goes off about how, as usual, his opinion is right, mine is not... as always. I mean, it didn't really matter, but... ok, I'm crying, I really don't know why. I wish someone would love me unconditionally, someone would just never hurt me, or take their anger out on me. Wouldn't lie to me.

It doesn't mean much,
It doesn't mean anything at all...
The life I've left behind me is a cold room.
I've crossed the last line
From where I can't return,
Where every step I took in faith
betrayed me
And led me from my home

And sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give

You take me in,
No questions asked...
You strip away the ugliness
That surrounds me.
Are you an angel?
Am I already that gone?
I only hope
That I won't disappoint you
When I'm down here
On my knees...

It doesn't mean much,
It doesn't mean anything at all...
The life I left behind me
Is a cold room...

I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU...





      I'm sick... yea, that's about it. I wish someone would come and make me soup... well, Chunk beef stew... that canned stuff mmm. I found a new dress for prom. It's princess pink, strapless, with a huge slit down one side and sequins at the top and down the side. Yea, it's nice. I'll get some pink barbell earings to go with it haha, *sigh* I have no life.





When moonlight crawls along the street,
Chasing away the summer heat,
Footsteps outside somewhere below,
The world revolves, I let it go,
We build our church above this street,
We practice love between these sheets,
The candy sweetness scent of you,
It bathes my skin I'm stained by you,
And all I have to do is hold you,
There's a racing in my heart,
I am barely touching you...

Turn the lights down low,
Take it off,
Let me show,
My love for you,
Insatiable...
Turn me on,
Never stop,
Wanna taste every drop,
My love for you,
Insatiable...

The moonlight plays upon your skin,
A kiss that lingers takes me in,
I fall asleep inside of you,
There are no words,
There's only truth...
Breathe in Breathe out,
There is no sound,
We move together up and down,
We levitate our bodies soar,
Our feet don't even touch the floor,
And nobody knows you like I do,
The world doesn't understand,
But I grow stronger in your hands...

Turn the lights down low,
Take it off,
Let me show,
My love for you,
Insatiable...
Turn me on,
Never stop,
Wanna taste every drop,
My love for you,
Insatiable...





      I'm going to learn how to play guitar. That's my late new years resolution. I'm trying to go to Mission on exam week. I know it's a stupid idea, but it's all I got.





      This is too much. I keep having these crazy dreams that he shows up at school, at work, in the street. I don't remember what he feels like anymore... or the way he kisses... I can barely even remember what his voice sounds like, and yet everything about him is always echoing in my mind

      Honestly, I'm really sick of relationships right now. Or maybe I just don't think I'll ever really be happy with anyone but Nathan. I'm not happy now... I think I am for a little while, but then I realize I'm really not.





      GET A GRIP, TASHA... Keep your promise. But it's not so bad, you're only the best I ever had... You don't want me back, you're just the best I ever had.





      Ok, this is gonna be hard cause I don't know how to get this feeling into writing. Like, you know how I always listen to music that describes the way I feel? I can't think of a song that does right now, so I'm just sticking with Ender, it's close.

      I don't know what really got me like this. I think it was this song Jay was playing in writing. He brought his guitar and sang the most beautiful song I have ever heard. Right up there with Ender. It was called 'Passing Out.' He wrote it himself. I remember some of the lyrics were:

      "All I ever wanted was to hold your hand... you said you could never love another... what a lie."

      It just worked so well, I just sat there, not doing anything or feeling or thinking. I still don't know how to describe it but to say what I felt or was thinking. I was numb and depressed at the same time. I don't know why it came to mind, but "cut myself to see if I still feel..." finally meant something to me. I don't even know where that's from, it was just in my head.

      I felt like that guy in Radiohead's Just video. He's just lying on the middle of the sidewalk and people are asking him what's wrong, and he just keeps saying, "go away, you don't want to know." That's how it feels. I wanted to lie down on the side of the road or in the snow and just lie there and be... nothing. How can I describe something that felt nothing.

      I wanted to hang off the overpass by my fingers and see if I was scared. I wanted to jump in front of traffic and see if I felt anything. Maybe get hit and see if it hurt, or if anyone would care. I don't know if i meant that... I know people would care. But would it be fake, more like curiosity? I don't know how else to put it into words.

      I mean, I know why I feel like this. It comes down to Nathan, of course. I really really understand what a broken heart feels like now. Some of my friends are just telling me to snap out of it... maybe they don't understand. They say I'm overreacting, but I just can't help the way I feel. Alyssa was telling me that, and I just asked her what if it was Tim. She shut-up after that. It changes things when you put it into people's perspectives.

      Here I am beside myself again, I'm torn apart by words that you have said. And all in all, I know we're falling apart. Where did you run to so far away? And here we are to sing you a song, and there you are asleep against the window pane, just like always. You said you like to hear the rain sometimes, and all I can do is tell you the truth, or my eyes will tell you the same. Clasp our hands together, we feel we are one result!

      That song's crazy, I don't know how many times I've listened to it. Amazing lyrics... amazing song. That was Ender by the way. Sometimes I wonder if anyone actually reads this and what they think. I don't care what people think, I'm just curious if maybe they know what I'm talking about.

      I just wish I could feel something. Feel alive. I was thinking of myself jumping out of a plane and feeling nothing. No excitement or exhileration because what I feel now is so much stronger than that. Does that make sense? I can't feel anything else cause what I feel now is too strong. I feel like I need to break out of this routine. Everything's always the same... I want to just go to Mission, stand on Nathan's doorstep and see what he says. Not in anger or pity or anything. Just to feel nothing and see if he can change it.

      I don't know if that made any sense. It did to me. But that's ok, I don't write these words for other people, I write them for me. But if someone understands something bigger because of it, then... then, I'm not alone. I don't know. I wish I could write music like Jay does. I wish I could tell those people that what they did spoke to me, man, it moved me. It was like my feelings in someone else in a beautiful way. I wish I could do that. I'm not good with words. I feel like attempting to write a song though... I need to feel something real again... Maybe, if you're reading this, just leave me a comment and say you did, just so I know. I'm so curious to see who reads this stuff. Don't say anything else but that you read it.





      And the truth comes out... he blocked me on MSN...





      I was a little angry yesterday... Oh my God, I love him so much that I don't even know what to do anymore. It's messing me up... I know this is the stupidest stupidest thing, but it got to me. He changed his profile on MSN... he never ever does that haha... He took out the parts about me but left up Long Term Relationship. I wonder if they're serious... I just need to talk to him. Oh man, it feels like this is tearing my whole life apart. It's just I love him so so much, it phsyically hurts sometimes...

      If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am?





HEY NATHAN, THIS IS FOR YOU!

I hear, a voice say "Don't be so blind,"
It's telling me all these things, that you would probably hide.
Am I, your one and only desire?
Am I the reason you breathe, or am I the reason you cry?

Always, always, always, always, always, always...
I just can't live without you!

I love you, I hate you, I can't get around you!
I breathe you, I taste you, I can't live without you!
I just can't take anymore, this lack of solitude!

I feel, like you don't want me around,
I guess I'll pack all my things, I guess I'll see you around,
It's all, been bottled up until now,
As I walk out your door, all I can hear is the sound...

Why would you tear my world apart?





      Yea! I'm going boarding tomorrow with Dan, Alyssa, and Tim! Whee! I'm so excited... but Alyssa has my pants so I had to borrow Jenny's... which are HUGE on me! Not saying Jenny's HUGE or anything... I'm just really tiny! Yay! Snoooowboarding!