Hey this is bugging me again, I call myself a Christian, but I don't act like one at all, in fact, I'm a complete hypocrite and it sucks. Geoff actually said once to me that I wasn't acting "very Christian-like." That was a wake up. And now look at me... well those of you who actually see me, and the worst part is, usually I don't even care. I'm becoming way better friends with my (awesome!) friends at school, and drifting away from my Christian ones. But there's still the one major thing that's killing me right now. A certain important guy in my life who says he's not a Christian anymore. Man, that broke my heart to hear. Like man, I knew I was supposed to end it then and there, but I didn't. I couldn't. And now, I still know I should, but I dunno if I can. Or if I want to. What I do want is just for him to realize he's wrong. But there's the hypocrite in me, I need change, I've already realized I'm wrong.





      Lalala, work was soo long today! I finally got off at 10! I had bagle bites for dinner! It was good! I have two hands! That's not a joke! Yea! Anyways! Ok, enough of the ! ....! OK! Crap! There I go again! Ok, enough. <-- period! ERG! Oh! Ahh! Alright. ... I talked to Nathan on the phone from like 10:30 to 2 in the morning! It was awesome! (Those deserve exclamation marks!) Yea, we never did get around to talking about the past week, but maybe it'll come up some other time. I got paid today! Almost $500! CHRISTMAS SHOPPING HERE I COME! ...FOR ME! JK! Anyways, I have to do an art project. (No I don't, I'm just lying because I don't want to talk to you anymore!)





      I just worked 6 hours. I was only supposed to work 4. I almost cried when they said I had to stay on till 10.

      He picked me. He picked.... me :)





      Well, two days till the 18th. One year. I tried calling him today, but no one was home. I can't take this. I need an answer. Right Now. Anyways, work is harsh. School is harsh. Life is harsh. You know what's good right now? Music. Music's always there, and that's good. Where the hell would I be without music? Probably dead. Two damn days. After that? After now? I don't even know, but it's not up to me anymore.





      Seems like songs are written just for me sometimes. Guess.

Yes I did it and I'll do it again
It doesn't matter if I am your best friend
I don't think so
You're not that smart
Over and over it breaks my heart
The cycle continues time for your crime
The pain comes back in an ugly design
Her makeup smears
The tears that she cries
Over and over every night

Emotional swords slash my soul
And now the pain takes control
I think about you
I think about me
Think about the way that it used to be
I need a bottle
I need some pills
I need a friend
I need some thrills
A shoulder to cry on a friend to depend on
When life gets rough

Time and time again
You think about yourself before you think about me
Time and time again
You think about yourself before you think about me

It's like a fight every single day
It's always easy when you have it your way
Deep in my heart
In the depths of my soul
My selfish ways are out of control
I'm sorry that it comes down to this
I punch through the wall as I break my fist
The makeup smears
Tears that we cry
Over and over every night

You're so selfish
YOU'RE MAKING ME WANT TO END THIS RELATIONSHIP
You're making me want to end this

Loving ties unwind
Lost time behind
Loving ties unwind
Lost time behind

Time and Time Again - Papa Roach

I've realized that I've stopped being happy, mad, or sad, or anything. It's like I just don't feel anything anymore.





      I'm pretty freakn' angry these days. It's like, fine, you don't have time for me then screw you. Man, I have to be careful in these never know who's reading it, right? I don't know if I care anymore. Oh, I think we all know who I'm talking about. I'm just so pissed off how he can act like everything is ok. Nothing is ok. Actually, everything is screwed up right now. And sometimes, I actually like it better that way. It makes life interesting. It gives me someone to hate. It gives me a reason to hate the world. I gotta work today. Maybe I'll have an answer from you know who tonight. I have one messed up life. So many people I know have it worse off than I do, so where do I get off complaining. Screw that. Maybe it's all in my head, being pissed at the world. Or maybe I have a freakn' good reason. One good thing in my life just wants to screw my life over. Thanks a lot.





      MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic. Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.





      Is this freakn hurt Tasha week or something. Yep, I guess everyone I know probably get together to plan how they can all do something to screw me over at the same time. Let's see, most of the important people to me are screwing me over right now.

      So and so is drinking again. Pretty sure we all know who that is. I called him to say Happy Birthday yesterday and that didn't go to well once I found out what was going on. Here's a part of the email I wrote him last night.

      You're the one who breaks promises, not me. So since you hate making decisions so much, I'll give you a choice... either you quit smoking and drinking, or we're over. The sad thing is, I have no idea which one you'll pick. I hope it's an easy decision.

      You said you loved me. And you know what? I'm actually scared to make you choose, cause I'm scared you won't pick me.

      Well, there's a look into the worst of it. Candace is, as usual now, I guess I'll have to get used to it, completely ignoring me cause she has Mike. She tried to use "you always ignore me when you're with Nathan," to which I replied that I never see Nathan and when I do, we never ditch our friends.

      My sister has taken Alyssa's side on everything pretty much. Can't help but think how she got Alyssa that "Big Sis" keychain. What did I get? Nothing. Not that I care. Just the fact that Alyssa is now "Big Sis." I could have killed her.

      And now my parents think they are making everything better by trying to force me to tell them everything Alyssa does. Don't you think I would love to get it off my chest? I don't feel like dealing with other people's problems besides my own. But no, Tasha is the one everyone dumps their problems on. That's how it always is. Great, now I sound like the one complaining. Oh well, if you know me, then you'll understand. If you don't, and some of you think you do, then I don't really care what you think of me.

      You know what would be great? Running away. I need to get away from here, away from people who break promises, and people who treat me like crap. Maybe I could turn that into a poem. Oh look, one of my friends is now getting people to talk to me out of pity. Gotta love those pity-seekers.





      Well, I'm really sick at the moment. Pretty pooey, you know? Straight up trippin' boo! Ahh, that'll never get old. I had a chocolate milk today... it was good. Anywho haha, I wrote this short descriptive crime scene thing yesterday. It's pretty pooey too. We were the only school in 68 that had to go to school today! It sucked big time. We had our remembrance day assembly complete with crappy 80's video. It was pretty sad... as in pathetic. Um? Well, today, as you may have guessed, is Nathan's birthday! He's the big 16! Happy day, he's only a year behind me now hahaha :P SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU NATHAN! I LOVE YOU! Hope you liked the present hehehe :) I SAW THE MATRIX THIS WEEKEND... TWICE! It was awesome, way way way better than the second and a little better that the first. I don't even feel like going into all the reasons why I loved it. Go see it yourself. Alex and Erin hated it. Retards. Just kidding! Love you Erin! Hahaha, right so it was awesome, it's Nathan's birthday, and I am sick... oh! I don't have school tomorrow, so my boss scheduled me for all day! ERRR!! Oh and there's this guy at work named Ryan who's like such a pervert *ew ew ew* EW! He's like 23 and coming onto me. It's rather disturbing. Then there's Dan! I love Dan! He's pretty cool.... 'cept for the whole being like seven feet tall or something. Ok, so maybe 6'5 or so. Pretty tall. OH! AHH! I got my camera back from Comox (whatever) back on Sunday! My mom and I went up to get it and I saw Jaryd which was cool. We talked for like.... 3 seconds. Anyways, he's cool. EXCEPT FOR YOU KNOW WHAT! YES, YOU KNOW! Anywho, lovely pictures. Lovely lovely. Ask me for some... *drool* Nathan. He's a babe. I wanna talk to him so bad! But he's not home for... reasons. NOTHING BAD! Whee, I love him so much! Hehehe for his birthday, I sent him a card that had this picture of a little boy and girl standing in the ocean, and on the inside it said, "I've waded my whole life for you." It's pretty cool. Lalala, gotta run :)