Well, it wasn't true, which is a huge relief. Whee! Anywho, it's Halloween and I'm not doing anything. I have the most boring life. I got off work like 2 and a half hours ago... I should probably go to bed soon, I gotta work tomorrow too, 8:30 - 5. Darn, maybe I couldv'e gone and blown stuff up with Frazer... Oh well. Oh! Matrix Revolutions comes out on the fifth! I am sooo excited. Erin and Alex both dressed up as Agent Smith today at school. It was awesome. They didn't win, but they definatly should have. Hehe, Alex was pretty good at keeping a straight face, but Erin... oh I love Erin. Erin's great, he's so funny! He could not keep a straight face! He just kept smiling, it was so cute. Other then that... oh! Connie was the girl from the Ring. I have never been more scared in my life. Then she chased me down the halls, all the way around the circle. I'm seriously going to have nightmares. She looked exactly like the girl! Ok, I gotta stop thinking about it. I'm bored. Haha, I'm listening to BSB, I'm like obsessed with them again, it's awesome.





      Yea, so at school today. Jan is telling me that there's something she's not allowed to tell me... wrong move. So anyways, I forced her to tell me and she felt really bad. So I won. Well yea, I won't go into detail cause I don't want to get people in trouble, and I don't even know for sure if it's true, although I really wouldn't be suprised, which sucks majorly. Anyways, if it is true... there are going to be some problems and someone's ass is going to be kicked. Um yea, so this bites. Retard. ERG! I hate not being able to say what it is... but I'm sure you all know who it's about. Damn it all. SCREW IT! Ok, I'm making myself mad. I'm going go. Oh yes and if YOU are reading this. Why don't you just tell me so I don't have to pry it out of you. You'll get off easier that way. If it's not true, tell your friend not to spread rumors. If it is, then you're screwed.





      Well my weekend was utterly boring and pointless. I don't even remember what I did... there was a lot of sleeping, and not enough talking to Nathan. And there wasn't enough chocolate either... or Mr.Noodles for that matter. Well I did go to Victoria with Candace and Bethany and some other people. That was extremely gay. Neither Joel nor Evan was there! I was sooo.... bored. Yea, so not very exciting. Ahh, I wish I could see Nathan! I have seen him in so long and it really bites. Let's do it this way:

      Things that suck about my Life

1) I miss Nathan
2) I have a headache
3) ...The person I live with who will remain nameless
4) I hate school
5) My best friend is annoying more than she ever has
6) I still miss Nathan

      Well that was exciting. Erin will probably get on my case for whining too much. You whine that you don't have big enough boobs on your webpage Erin! (Erin is a guy) and no, he doesn't really have boobs, although I'm sure sometimes he wonders what it would be like. (Don't we all?) I need someone to rub my back :( Listen to this song by Garbage. It's like the best pissed off/in love/angst song ever. It's like the official ex-song. If you know what I mean.





      Today I was talking to Candace, and out of the blue she says: "Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you should break up with Nathan." How the heck does she expect me to take it. She just went on about how she was worried about me and basically pissed me off. So yea, not gonna happen "friend." Man, I feel like my best friend betrayed me. Wait... she did.





      Candace has been sleeping over for the past couple nights cause Mike is over. Candace's boyfriend, Mike is over. That really does hurt, although I'm glad for Candace. She's bringing the van tonight so maybe we'll go out. I haven't talked to Nathan in a while, but I suppose I should get used to it.

      Been watching sappy movies lately. Princess Bride and Romeo and Juliet. (aw so romantic) I haven't really done much else. I didn't go to Full Circle tonight... I don't even know what's going on with me anymore. Erin says he respects me as a Christian cause I don't force my views on anyone. But the truth is, I don't even know what my views are anymore.

      Scheryl and my mom went to Full Circle tonight though. Scheryl talked about how we can feel far away from God when we're disobeying him on something. And if we look back to when the feelings started, we can usually find the problem. I know exactly what I did when my feelings started, and I made a decision not to give it up. I don't even know what to do anymore except maybe I'll just... breathe.





      Mom said Nathan could come down for Thanksgiving. Nathan was going to come down with Karina. Now Karina's not coming down, which means Nathan can't come down because his parents hate me for writing something in which I didn't even mention them. The way things are going, I won't be able to go out with him till I'm 30. Life sucks. Harsh. But seriously, I'm pissed. Oh right, after I went to all the effort to obey his parents rules as weekend. "You and Nathan can spend more time together if you just obey our rules." Yea right, I'd like to see them follow through on that one for once.





      If anything in this whole world described our relationship. It would be this song Nathan. It's so perfect! (I made him listen to it but he probably thinks it's sappy crap ;)

Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby
Baby, Ooh, I'm so glad...

I will never find another lover
Sweeter than you,
Sweeter than you.
And I will never find another lover
More precious than you,
More precious than you.

You are the only one, my everything,
And for you this song I sing, and...

All my life
I prayed for someone like you, baby,
And I thank God that I,
That I finally found you.
All my life
I prayed for someone like you,
And I hope that you
Feel the same way too.
Yes, I pray that you do love me too.

I said, you're all that I'm thinking of Baby,
Said I promise to never
Fall in love with a stranger.
You're all I'm thinking of,
I praise the Lord above
For sending me your love,
I cherish every hug,
I really love you so much, baby, baby, baby.

You're all that I ever know,
When you smile on my face
All I see is a glow.
You turn my life around,
You picked me up when I was down.

You're all that I ever know,
When you smile my face glows,
You picked me up when I was down.

And I hope that you
Feel the same way too.
Yes I pray that you
Do love me too.

- All My Life by KCi and Jojo





      This is a Ghazal I wrote. A ghazal is a collection of shers of the same beher, having the same radif and kaafiyaa with at least one matla. I'm serious. Get it? No seriously though, it was hard.

Lying My Way From You

I remember believing in your lies
and knowing I was breathing in your lies.

I still remember taking your abuse
when I was the one drowning in you lies.

I can remember falling forever
and the crying and dying for your lies.

I remember only suffocating
when I was inhaling all of your lies.

I remember abandoning my life
when I found out I was living your lies.

And I remember how we fell apart
when you started believing in your lies.





      Hmm, well it's pretty obvious what I did this weekend... But yea, we left on Friday after school and I saw Nathan when I got there, so he did come and I was so happy to see him! And I got to meet Paul, but he left after a few minutes which was too bad. BUT I GOT TO SEE NATHAN! Anywho, um yes, things didn't go to well for a little while on Saturday, but then they were better and I won't go into details but even without words, I think we worked things out pretty well. Don't even think that by the way because I KNOW what you're thinking. Especially Candace. Anyways, it was so awesome and now I miss Nathan so much! If he doesn't come visit me, I may die, or something drastic like that. Probably not though. He says he'll come see me next weekend, BUT HE'S ALL TALK! Haha, actually it's kind of annoying. Yea so there's my interesting news. Oh yea, we were really good, and followed all his parents rules, so I'm hoping maybe that they'll let him come down to visit and later to go snowboarding or something completely awesome like that. But I doubt it and I'll leave it at that since I KNOW certain people who will remain nameless read this garbage.





      Ok things just keep getting worse. Apparently Nathan isn't even going to show up at the meet now. Why is he avoiding me? This is so pointless. We're never gonna figure anything out the way this is going. I mean, I want to see him so much! Like it's not like your feelings can change in one day after ten months. It's just too hard. No matter what happens, I still want to see him. Man, this bites. I never meant for things to happen like this. Nothing is going right. What the heck, is he actually mad at ME or something? He keeps asking me what's wrong. Well, N, maybe the fact that you just told me you aren't a christian might have something to do with it. Life sucks right now. Two days before we see each other after two months.





      Yea, so I ended up talking to N last night and things didn't go too well. Yea I don't think I'll even go in to what was said. Except that I don't know how things can ever work out between us now. Pretty sure it's impossible. Like I just don't understand how he could take back some of the stuff he said. It's like I found out he was a whole differant person. Like everything in the past 10 months had been a lie. Then he said the only thing he was scared of was losing me... Ok I fought through so much to be with this kid, only to find out the truth now. I shouldn't have trusted him all those times. God, he even made me cry if that's any indication of harsh the stuff was. I can't believe it, I'm gonna see him on Friday, and he blows me away with this. I don't even know what to think right now.