Oh man, I wish this didn't have to be so hard. I didn't think it would be like this. I made the decision when I was at camp, and now that I'm home... I'm scared of what all this will mean. I mean I totally think this is what we need to do, but how can I control what he does? I can't. What if he just forgets about it and nothing ever comes together again. I'm living in expectation of the time when we're both ready.

      But then again, who am I to judge where he's at? What if he's at the right place already and I just told him we both need to be better? I wish there was some way I could know. But I mean, am I supposed to put a time limit on it, and say next year when he's 17, then we can go ahead... the point of this is to get closer to God, but camp's already fading for me and that is so scary. I don't want to be a hypocrite telling him the only way things will work out is if we're both focussed on God! I got baptized on Thursday... man that wasn't too long ago, and already it seems like nothing's changed inside of me. I don't feel like a new person. I can already see myself falling into my old ways. I want to be differant. I want so much to be on track with God.

      He asked me what I wanted him to do. I didn't know how to answer. If he asked me again, I'd say, I don't want you to do anything for me, I want you to do something for God and for yourself. I pray so much that we would both come to the spiritual point where we understand where our focus needs to be and when we're both focussed on God, that's when things are right... just how do I know when he is...?

      So here you go N, this is for you, I still love you:

I can't remember why we fell apart
From something that was so meant to be,
Forever was the promise in our hearts
Now, more and more I wonder where you are

Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you

Still have your picture in a frame
Hear your footsteps down the hall
I swear I hear your voice, driving me insane
How I wish that you would call
To say

I miss you
I miss you

Anytime - Brian McKnight