And I wonder...
If everything could ever feel this real forever,
If anything could ever be this good again...

- Everlong, Foo Fighters





      I went down to Victoria this weekend. (I had Monday off!) Hung out with Joel, Mike, Bryn, and some others. It was Candace and me. We mostly visited people from camp. Anyways, we went to the place on Sunday night and it wasn't what we expected. It was more like a boring church service which I didn't really get anything out of. Yea, but it was all worth it cause I got to see EVAN! Finally after like a year and a half, man I missed that kid so much! He's the sweetest. We all (Ben, Matt, Can, Evan, and me) went to the Garner's house afterwards and watched Family Guy, which was sooo funny! Oh right and Evan and I drove around, he is the craziest driver... well besides Alex. But it was sooo much fun! I miss him already! Quizmeet's in a week and a half... In Mission of all places. Yehaw.

      Anyways, by request (Yea Brendan!) here's another poem. Hey you can comment on them hey or whatever? Just click that Kick me again thing and say somethin.

Hurt

You know that feeling where you love someone so much that you cry
every night
thinking that if you could just be together, then everything would be ok?

You know that feeling where you just feel so insignifigant
every morning
thinking that if they'd jut give you the time of day, you'd never be sad again?

You know that feeling where you're so lost and confused
every day
thinking that if they would just call you, then everything would make sense?

You know that feeling where you miss someone so bad, that you ask God
every night
thinking that if you could just see them one more time, you'd be content?

You know that feeling where you just want to lie down and die
tonight
thinking that if they'd just tell you they loved you, that they'd really mean it this time?

You know that feeling where they rip your heart out
again
thinking what did I do wrong and wondering if you're the reason for their pain?

You know that feeling where you finally understand someone like me
now
thinking...?





      Hey, I know I haven't written in a while. I've been sick and busy. (with school of course) Today's the (((18th))). Anyways, here's a poem I wrote... I think I finally was able to put into words what music is for me.

Music

When you feel so mad,
you just have to get it out,
you just turn on the music,
and give a good shout.

When you feel so strong,
and you want the world to know,
you just turn on the music
and let it show.

When you miss someone
so incredibly bad,
you turn on the music
just to feel sad.

When the tears just flow,
and the pain won't stop,
and the music's the only thing
that you've got.

When there aren't any words
to describe how you feel
you just turn on the music,
and that's how you deal.
music.





      Man, I have missed those beautiful dark raining nights. I love them, there's just something about driving in the dark, in the rain. Reminds me of quizmeets when we're on the ferry. Good memories. Can't wait for the first meet, it's going to be awesome... other than the fact that there won't be much travelling since unfortunatly it's in Mission. Something feels differant... Summer is definatly over. Does anyone else know that feeling when it's dark and raining? I dunno, it does something to me, I like it. I want to go outside and just stand there and let the rain fall on my face.

      Yea so, maybe I should get started on my quizzing soon. Quizzing. Rain. Dark. It all seems so distantly familiar. Something weird happened to me this Summer, it was good though, and no, I don't know what it was. But everything is so distantly familiar... Dude, it's gotta be the rain and the dark. I love it. Cranbrooks in again this year... that'll be interesting...

      I finally talked to Joel again today. That boy! He's pretty freakn cool! Mike's down tonight and he'll be at church tomorrow... that's weird, another person from my summer, so weird to think about. Anyways, I'm gonna go downstaires, do my quizzing, open my window and listen to the rain.





      Well, I've been reading the book of James, which in my opinion is the best book in the whole Bible! Anyways so I was talking to Caitlin today, she's kinda in charge of the Bible Study on Tuesday's at school. I asked her if I could lead like 5 of them and do a study on James... and she said yes!! Yay, I'm so excited!

      Ahh life is getting back on track, my classes are pretty good; History, Creative writing, art, and a spare. I'm totally focussed on God and things with N are looking up, but he still needs prayer. But man, do I miss camp! I would give anything to be back there. I really hope I can counsil for Teen Retreat in the Fall.

      So yea, pretty much things are great! Full Circle starts up next week, I don't know, I really just feel so full of life, but I still need prayer to that I'll be able to be a living example for Christ at school! Quizzing starts on Sunday and I don't have any of my verses memorized!





      Things are differant now, we don't talk anymore... it bites. I don't want him to treat me any differantly, cause I don't think of him any differantly than I did before. Still have our picture in a frame above my bed. Still have "the N box" :P, and I still think about him like crazy!

      It's almost like I don't want anything to be differant, but I know that because of those words I said, it will be. I just hope I know when the right time is for things to start again... and I hope it's soon. I can't wait for the first meet in Mission of all places. He's not in quizzing... I probably won't be, depends... maybe I'll do the first quiz. I wanna kick some Moore butt again!

      Anyways I'm sick as nothing else today. My mom didn't believe me until I told her how I threw up at school three times. That was pretty gross. So yea, I think I'm dying or something... just kiddin. Hmm, I'm in a pretty good mood. Just miss N a lot as usual. Ahh, how long will I have to wait!? He better still be my prom date. Hahaha ;)





      Here's a little chorus I put together. Hmm, I could write a whole song, but that just hasn't come together yet because it's too hot to think very much. Maybe this is what I want someone to tell me. N?

He Said

and he said,
No matter what you do, I'll never leave you
No matter what you say, I love you more each day
No matter where you are, I'd travel so far
and No matter what you do, I'll always love you
Always love you

Does that work? I think I suck at this, but dude how else are you supposed to get your feelings out? Listen to music, write it down, or... write a song!





      Oh man, I wish this didn't have to be so hard. I didn't think it would be like this. I made the decision when I was at camp, and now that I'm home... I'm scared of what all this will mean. I mean I totally think this is what we need to do, but how can I control what he does? I can't. What if he just forgets about it and nothing ever comes together again. I'm living in expectation of the time when we're both ready.

      But then again, who am I to judge where he's at? What if he's at the right place already and I just told him we both need to be better? I wish there was some way I could know. But I mean, am I supposed to put a time limit on it, and say next year when he's 17, then we can go ahead... the point of this is to get closer to God, but camp's already fading for me and that is so scary. I don't want to be a hypocrite telling him the only way things will work out is if we're both focussed on God! I got baptized on Thursday... man that wasn't too long ago, and already it seems like nothing's changed inside of me. I don't feel like a new person. I can already see myself falling into my old ways. I want to be differant. I want so much to be on track with God.

      He asked me what I wanted him to do. I didn't know how to answer. If he asked me again, I'd say, I don't want you to do anything for me, I want you to do something for God and for yourself. I pray so much that we would both come to the spiritual point where we understand where our focus needs to be and when we're both focussed on God, that's when things are right... just how do I know when he is...?

      So here you go N, this is for you, I still love you:

I can't remember why we fell apart
From something that was so meant to be,
Forever was the promise in our hearts
Now, more and more I wonder where you are

Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you

Still have your picture in a frame
Hear your footsteps down the hall
I swear I hear your voice, driving me insane
How I wish that you would call
To say

I miss you
I miss you

Anytime - Brian McKnight





      This is a song by Number One Gun, a really good Christian group. It kinda works in two parts of my life right now, God... and someone else. Man I miss him, this is one of the hardest things I've ever done.

On and On

Could you be my answer
Could you tell me that I am
The perfect one for you
You’re the perfect one for me

Could you be too faithful
Could you show me anymore
It’s the perfect thing to do
It’s the perfect thing for me

On and on I see you
The life that comes together
To see that we’re forever
On and on I see you
The times we’ve spent together
The times that last forever

And now we will find our way
It’s the way that we’ll find this day
And I know you belong to me

Could you lead me on





      Well I deleted all the old stuff... I wish life was that easy. Here's the new stuff... Actually it's a poem or a song I wrote, I don't think it's too good.

My Everything

When will I see you again?
Everything's over,
and everything I said is a memory
Of a time when you held my life in your hands

When will the pain inside go away?
When everything's ok and you're with me again
but until then...

You're my everything
You're my inspiration
You hold me in your arms and tell me
Everything's going to be alright again

You are in the tears I cry
Every night I pour out my life praying you hear
I feel so broken, like you're still part of me
and for the first time, I don't understand

I've given my whole heart to you
And I'm so afraid you'll share my love with someone else
Until our story is lost in the hurt of another broken heart
but still...

When will I see you again?
When will I see you?

He's my everything
He's my everything
He's my... everything...
You're all I ever wanted